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Tagged: Parents
This topic contains 6 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by tripvan 4 years ago.
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So I am about to go on holiday back to my home country, by extension my childhood home, and I decided to spend a few weeks somewhere away first to get some more time by myself away from work and having fun and to really enjoy the time off.
I know that in the past when I spent time with my parents, I basically turn into full on avoidance mode. Both of them work. Basically my mother’s games and shame tricks drain me to no avail until I get out of the house, whilst my father is getting older and quickly getting on with his life. I basically have to find excuses to be out of the house all the time or else I go crazy, which works for me when I am on holiday because then I can make best use of my time there. On their off time they basically just sit in front of the TV on their recliners and enjoy their time off from work.
A few months ago I told him that I was going to rent a truck and help throw out some stuff from the house, like the old sofa. Then my dad piped up, and for the first time ever I saw him worried about some ‘thing’ he cared about. Little did I know, he has owned that sofa for maybe forty years. And he began to explain to me how his plan was to re-furnish it with new leather, but he never got around to it. He could even mention the quote he was given to do it twenty years ago or so.
That’s when all these memories started flooding through my mind. He was an architect before I was born. He wanted to build a houseboat, and he even built a scale model of this thing that I remember playing with as a kid. And then another memory where he confessed to me plans of laying some concrete and building a garage in front of the house – also never happened. And I should mention this house was bought, it wasn’t designed and built according to any plans he might have had for a house. And before he met my mother he sculpted a statue that was taken down and very recently put back up for public display.
Last year my father was diagnosed with cancer and is currently going through radium therapy. I need to spend time with him, but he does nothing by himself. As I said he is getting older and even though he still works all week I dread the day in the future when I will get a lone phone call from my mother.
He doesn’t do anything outside work by himself. He is a kind man always spending time with my mother, always travelling with her, helping her out, etc. This means that when I do spend time with him it is always with her. In my childhood we used to bike ride together, but these days he is too out of shape for it. So I just have to figure out how to get him alone, right?
Well it isn’t as easy as that. When I have got him alone in the past basically every word that comes out of his mouth has my mother close along side it too. They are “very happy together”. They are like the same person, and in my mind he is an amazing example of how a “very happy together” marriage still will absorb the male identity into a pile of goo.
These days when I get to talk to him over the phone by himself, there comes a silence, and he brings up me being alone. I have already told him to not worry about me and that I have everything that I could possibly want, friends around me, plenty to do, am single and happy. Today he asked if I were lonely, I told him of course not I have plenty to do. I thought he was sympathising because he knows what life is like being alone. But it made no sense because I never gave any indication that I was feeling alone. Then it hit me like a lump in my stomach.
He might be feeling more alone than I could ever imagine.
I need ideas of how to get him on his own, physically and mentally, so I can have a real conversation with him before it’s too late. Suggestions, MGTOW?
“That’s when all these memories started flooding through my mind. He was an architect before I was born. He wanted to build a houseboat, and he even built a scale model of this thing that I remember playing with as a kid. And then another memory where he confessed to me plans of laying some concrete and building a garage in front of the house – also never happened.”
Don’t make the same mistake. Take the limited time you might have and spend it wisely. Later on you will regret not taking the time to be with your father when you had the chance.
Your situation looks a lot like mine. When my father was diagnosed with stage 3 lung-cancer a while back I very much tried to spend as much time with him as I could, alone time too. At least once he dies, I will not have the regret of “I should have…”.
Since my fathers condition was terrible as well and there was basically nothing we could do together because of it. I would just visit my parents, and as the night would progress my Dad and I just sat together and shared a glass of single malt whisky. Because I knew there was nothing more we do, like fishing, going out, this was for me the best I could do, just talking about stuff. It’s true when they say, the best things shared are the small things.
Maybe you could go out and do something if he’s up for it. What does he like to do, what are his hobby’s? Perhaps a hike or fishing day? If not, maybe go and into a local bar without your mom to share some quality time.
Promise me you are not going to make the mistake of postponing, delaying or waiting to do this. When cancer is involved things can rapidly go for the worse, and you might regret it later. Some things in life are beyond our control.
Good luck brother.
I need ideas of how to get him on his own, physically and mentally, so I can have a real conversation with him before it’s too late. Suggestions, MGTOW?
The simplest solution is offer to take him to lunch. Just you and him.
If he takes cancer treatments, you can offer to take him back and forth from those treatments.
The simplest solution is offer to take him to lunch. Just you and him.
If your mom is inviting herself to the plans you made – just you and your dad – tell your mom “I want dad’s advice on women. You know, just the guys.”
It may not be entirely true, but at the very least she might “accept” that as a reason to “allow” the guys time alone.
Pick an activity that you know that your mother can’t stand. Camping?
This is a ruse. Head out of town, get a hotel in an area that you two can take the time to talk with each other.
This may be difficult as he is not in the best of health and convincing her to let him go may be difficult.
"I asked you a question. I didn't ask you to repeat what the voices in you head are telling you" ~ Me. ........Yes I'm still angry.
No tricks or games. Just say you want to spend time alone with him. Get 2 tickets for something he can go to.
I bathe in the tears of single moms.
Thank you guys for the great suggestions. He doesn’t fish, and hiking tires him out pretty quickly. He doesn’t like the idea of camping and sleeping on the ground so that would be out of the question. Lunch might be the best idea, as a beer could be had there and mom would be at work.
If your mom is inviting herself to the plans you made – just you and your dad – tell your mom “I want dad’s advice on women. You know, just the guys.”
I can imagine this working, thanks!
I would just visit my parents, and as the night would progress my Dad and I just sat together and shared a glass of single malt whisky.
Thank you Skank Spanker, indeed simple moments like these could bring us closer.
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