A couple of years ago I was really down. I hurt my back and got pretty depressed, I guess. I thought I might have to move out of the hills, and started looking at all the s~~~ I had collected over the years. Stuff I had forgotten about. Old projects I never finished. Old books by the ton. All manner of crap. I felt a bit panicked at the thought of moving it all and finding a place for it.
Trapped, and alone.
Anyway, I decided just to lose some of it. Then some more. I went through every old box and junk drawer, every closet. Emptied the attic. Everything I owned came under review. I gave away extra furniture, sports equipment I don’t use, old clothes. If it was ugly, worn out, of poor quality, or just unlikely to be used, I chucked it. All my old computers and anything on a floppy disk. Redundant dishes, ill-fitting clothes, hundreds of books, parts for cars I had, obsolete computer manuals, broken stereo equipment. A world of junk and I wasn’t even a hoarder keeping trash. It was just a lifetime of things.. I used to keep some stuff if I thought I might use it someday. My new rule was, if I might NOT use it, it goes. I can get another one if need be. Do I really want to spend my time dicking around with old computers? No, out they go.
It started out as a difficult task, and it was shocking how emotional it was, and how crazy it seemed to care about this… stuff. I got mad, and sad, and really felt the years that have gone by.
Then it got good. Every box of stuff or bag of “things” that I donated or threw away was like a rock taken off my shoulders. I got lighter and lighter as my pile got smaller. I went back through the remaining pile again. This time the criteria got tougher. If it doesn’t IMPRESS me, it goes. It was amazing.
In the end, everything I own is for my life going forward, and very little remains to salute the past.
The effect on my mood has been remarkable.
I dusted out the corners of my mind as well, and unloaded a bunch of baggage. Childish expectations, procrastination, lingering doubts and guilt, a lifetime of disappointments and insecurities needed to go along with all the physical junk. Things put on hold in anticipation of one day “settling down” and finding a “soul mate” to complete my life. I had to accept the fact that there is no someone and someday, and that I did not do that. I also had to accept the honest truth that I don’t ever want to. My life going forward is mine, and none of it belongs to, or will be put on hold for, a relationship I don’t want with a woman I don’t know. My life is complete, but it is not done.
I got off my ass and fixed up my house the way I want it. My house makes me happy now. Not a sign of a “woman’s touch”, and that’s fine. The s~~~’s mine.
I replaced the transmission in my “baby” sports car. Now I drive it through the mountains rather than looking at it sadly and feeling helpless. No need to feel down when you live in the mountains and have an old sports car. Trust me on this.
I quit smoking cigarettes. Cold turkey and a pack in my pocket, no tapering off or gum or pills. I just f~~~ing quit. Almost 2 years now. I have gained 20 Lbs. (I really needed it!), I feel younger and stronger than I have in years. I really think I saved my own life.
For the rest of my life now I will travel light. Things that are broken, worn out, or poor quality will not accompany me on my path. I will be nimble rather than sedentary. Never trapped again. If I feel like taking pleasure in the company of some of the many “wall” flowers out there, I will without guilt or attachment. If I don’t, That’s fine too. No more baggage.
"I am is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that I do is the longest sentence?" - George Carlin
TheWalker 4 years, 1 month ago.
