It's Important to Set Limits

[Quiet ThomParticipant 116]

Men going their own way. So simple, yet so right. The understanding that you are not obligated to be the ATM in a relationship, the understanding that you are not your girlfriend’s personal, unpaid body guard, and the understanding that you aren’t your girlfriend’s problem solver/Mister Fix-it/slave laborer, is exhilarating. Like some of my brothers on these fine forums, during my married life, I was a blue pill swallowing White Knight mangina to a limited degree. I was never 100% completely that way because I always had a sense that something was way out of balance, but I sure drank some of the kool aid for what I thought was for the good of my marriage. Now, it begins. And ends. I had found myself overwhelmed with my work load between doing a lot of maintenance s~~~ at my girlfriend’s house and working (maintaining) my house to a point where I had no time for relaxation. It snuck up on me because I like being a good guy and being helpful, but f~~~…..it was getting crazy. Truth is, if I had thought this out, I never should have started helping her with anything at her home. My anger bubbled to the surface and my girlfriend wanted to talk about it. Gentlemen, I have to say that I am so grateful to this site because I went into this conversation fully armed with the knowledge of what was to come and how to combat it. I gave her my position and, true to feminine form, she told me that she also worked a lot (she does, BTW) and was sometimes overwhelmed too. I said calmly, “You wanted me to talk about what’s bothering me, right? Why are you making it about you? Do you work at my house remotely close to the amount of work I do at your house? I know the answer if you don’t.” She was mildly stunned and had to concede the point. I told her the imbalance of the work done at each others home wasn’t her fault, but it sure was my problem. She has fibromyalgia and it somewhat limits her ability for hard labor…..I get that but, guess what? That’s her row to hoe. I also told her that, although I don’t mind being helpful, my property and my relaxation time has to take precedent in my life. She said she saw my point. So, the line has been drawn. We’ll see what happens now that I’ve removed part of my “attractiveness”. For the complete picture, you Gents should know that we are both in our early 60’s, both in good health considering, and both look 10-15 years younger than we really are. She is twice divorced and has had a lot more dating experience than I’ll ever have. I am a widower and have dated 5 women (including her) since my wife died. We are very sexually active (yeah….hard to believe, I know) and we enjoy each other’s company. I do love her to a degree and she says she loves me…with women, you can never be all that sure. BUT, if it ended tomorrow, I’d be more than fine. That’s been my mindset since I entered the dating arena. Ride the wave as long as it lasts.

[ILiveAgainParticipant]

Eeeuuuwww old people having sex 😆

Just kidding … I should talk … I’m old and not getting some 😔

You did good man. You told it straight and kudos for it.

Now let her digest. I hope she does the right thing but …. vagina.

Good luck and let us know please

[chirParticipant]

Now that you have drawn the line in the sand its time to sit back for a bit and observe.  In her mind she heard “blah blah blah I can’t work at your house as much. blah blah blah”   She now knows that the free labor has been ratcheted back a bit.  The relationship currency is not 100% in her favor.  Observe the reaction over time.

It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion, it is by the beans of Java that thoughts acquire speed, the hands acquire shaking, the shaking becomes a warning; it is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.

[RoyDalParticipant]

chir wrote:

Observe the reaction over time.

I agree. Stay alert. Pay attention.

Society asks MGTOWs: Why are you not making more tax-slaves?

[vincentosaurusParticipant 147]

Dont let the fibromyalgia sway you. I also have it and guess what, I work overtime then I go home I renovate the s~~~ out of my new house.
It hurts like hell and I get so tired I want to cry sometimes but I never let anyone else pick up my slack. We all have problems to bear but spreading that pain on those around us is only selfishness.
Also the best way to manage this condition is by eating well and pushing past the pain to keeping your body moving. So really it’s better for her to do this stuff for herself, call it physical therapy.

[Quiet ThomParticipant 116]

Well Gents, I’ll tell you what….she is definitely walking on eggs around me. She is normally very sweet, but even more so now. And no, I don’t believe in unicorns. I usually wouldn’t say s~~~ even if I had a mouth full, and this really surprised her. Credit where credit is due…..she knows when to back the f~~~ off. However, the advice to observe her reaction over time is sound, no question about it. Just to be clear Vincentosaurus, she didn’t trick me into doing work at her house. I, pretty much, did it to myself nice guy (sap) that I am. Now I’m going to undo it to myself. I guess it’s true that no good deed goes unpunished. Thanks for the laugh ILA. The thought of us having sex grosses me out too. Chir and RD, thanks for your sage counsel.

[GrumpyParticipant]

ILiveAgain wrote:

Eeeuuuwww old people having sex 😆

Yup same here. Just a dirty old man who cant be trusted – Valdy

 

There was a time in my life when I gave a fuck. Now you have to pay ME for it

[MgtowWaveParticipant 4352]

Having a woman walking on eggshells is a bad idea.You are old enough to know this.

I would bet you dollars to pesos she will seek revenge for it after things settle down.

A woman scorned.

frankly my dear i don't give a damn

[Quiet ThomParticipant 116]

Brother Wave, I respectfully disagree with your assessment that a woman being careful not to p~~~ you off is a bad thing. If she’s being subversive she’s putting on one hell of a show. She told me this evening that she called her son and asked him to come over and do a bunch of things to help her out. And he agreed to help. I am far from nieve, but she seems to have gotten my point. I really get no sense of her being upset by any measure. I am still monitoring the situation though.

[vincentosaurusParticipant 147]

Quiet Thom wrote:

Just to be clear Vincentosaurus, she didn’t trick me into doing work at her house. I, pretty much, did it to myself nice guy (sap) that I am. Now I’m going to undo it to myself. I guess it’s true that no good deed goes unpunished.

Sorry I didn’t mean to say she had but I see now how I came across that way. All I meant by ‘sway’ is that as nice guys we tend to try and help people out when they have a problem but this isn’t the type of problem you can really help with. I didn’t think she had asked you for anything but your own sympathy caused you to want to do these things for her and before you know it it becomes an habit and even expected of you. All I mean to say is you can sympathize without picking up her slack and besides like I said it’s actualy good for her to do it herself.

[BlackEagleParticipant 54]

MgtowWave wrote:

Having a woman walking on eggshells is a bad idea.You are old enough to know this. I would bet you dollars to pesos she will seek revenge for it after things settle down. A woman scorned.

RoyDal wrote:

chir wrote:

Observe the reaction over time.

I agree. Stay alert. Pay attention.

These two.  walking on eggshells i feel like as if she knows how to maneuver with her conscious  until you drop your guard. i kinda do get the feeling of revenge , that she might pay you with the same token relating to  sex

[Quiet ThomParticipant 116]

Vincent, you’re right about being a good guy and helping people. Sometimes you have to say no for your own good. I still screw that up on occasion. I’ve been very diligent and keeping an eye on her to see if she was going to hand out any bulls~~~ for me to deal with. So far, nothing has changed. Nothing. We’ve been together about 5 years now and I’ve yet to experience her crazy woman side. I’m sure she has or had one, but I’ve never seen it. Ever. I have a very strong personality and she knows I have no tolerance for woman jedi mindf~~~ing s~~~. I can be an evil prick if someone jerks my chain but, given a choice, I’d rather not get upset. That being said, I’ve probably raised my voice (I don’t yell) at her maybe twice during our time together. She has a milder and very laid back personality. And yeah, I’ll say it….she is sweet, sexual (ick….old people screwing!!), and nurturing to me. Does that mean she has an agenda? I would think she does but, at the end of the day, who doesn’t? All I care about is that it benefits me. So, Black Eagle, please know that my eyes are wide open and if she tries to manipulate me using sex as a reward/punishment thing, I’ll end our relationship. No…I’ll F~~~ING end our relationship. I’ll not let a woman hold me hostage for any reason…..especially that. S~~~, that tactic would never work on me. I was a married man for a looooong time and that means I’ve learned to do without sex for a loooong time. Truth is, she appears to like sex as much as (or more than) I do. She has been to the dating circus and spent time with the clowns. Perhaps her motivation is that I’m a widower and not an angry divorcee, that my kids love and like me, that I own my own home, that I have some neat toys I don’t mind sharing, that I’m not ugly or stupid or addicted to anything, that I’m fun, stable, and can fix things, and blah blah blah. In short and especially in my age group, I’m a valued commodity. Sorry to sound like a self absorbed asshole, but I would be very, very difficult for my girlfriend to replace and she knows it. Why? Because most guys in my situation and age group are dating/screwing/whatever women MUCH younger than themselves….because they can. My lovely girlfriend would not be difficult to replace with a newer model, if that’s what I might chose to do. Anyhow, I have learned to limit any emotional attachment to the opposite sex. If my present relationship ended, would I be distressed by it? Nope. I’d be fine…not angry or bitter at all. Remember my Brothers, in any relationship the person that cares the least has the most power. Cheers!

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