Home › Forums › Relations~~~s › Is my father being a problem my mother's fault?
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IGMOW (I Go My Own Way) 4 years, 7 months ago.
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I know here, that a normal narrative is the woman is always the problem in a relationship. Maybe I am missing this, and am just too stupid seeing it.
My father has a hard time going along with anyone (due to my work state, I either am here, or end up homeless in a shelter or no internet). He is continuing, no matter the context, to use abusive language. Right before I typed this, he yelled the following to my mother: “If I could kill you and get away with it, I would.” Those words and other ones come out of his mouth every day. That is the reality I listen to. I guess I am supposed to speculate why my mother is the cause of all this, but why? His father was a raging alcoholic, and even without alcohol, he is like that.
If you detect that my thoughts aren’t the same as others here, it might be because of my experiences. Am I wrong? Is him acting like that my mother’s fault?
The narrative I see come up around MGTOW wears on me at times, that it is the women, and only the women, all the time, who are the source of all evil on the planet. I try to see things different, and I am aware of all the bull. I try to take away something that, it doesn’t matter who is at fault whatever, get married to the wrong woman, and it becomes hell. And I fully do see the problems with what is in gynocentrism, hypergamy and so on. But, honestly, I have been screwed by other things in a MUCH larger way. I have student loan debt, because I had male mentor figure tell me I had to get out of the house where I was, and get a job (I go back years later to talk of things, and while the conversation went pleasant and I vented, he managed to duck stage right and is no longer available, and too busy). It led to a snowball I am not recovering from. And that is my mother’s fault? I lost a 401K on a business venture that went south with a male business partner, who didn’t know how to maintain relationships with anyone, would scheme against business partners and would repeatedly get screwed. I ended up going bankrupt because of a man on the Internet pitching get rich quick schemes, one scheme the SEC went after and warned me about. Oh, there are some women I had problems with, one in particular, but I see the problems as deeper (female case worker who had me get out of the house here before time, and managed to get some financial stuff).
That is my life now, and the entire narrative of why life sucks is that it is women?
Want to know more here, as I am typing this, I try to shut a door in the other room, to keep the noise down and my father threatened to trash the door if I shut it again.
Want to know why going my own way matters, even without the narrative of the women are the problem? I want to get the hell out of here, and the social norms don’t work for me. Is it ok to have non-conformity, or does it have to be defining myself against women and always have women are evil on my mind?
For me, I have to take ownership of myself, no matter who, because if I don’t, I will get screwed again, no matter who or what the entity is that will do this. But, maybe it is just women alone. Women alone doesn’t work for me as a narrative.
"I am my own thang. Any questions?" - Davis S Pumpkins.
I don’t believe all men are innocent and should get away with whatever they do because there might be some woman that may have caused it. As a MGHOW I am focusing on women related issues, but I can’t deny many occurences of men being at fault, or try to cover their actions. Reverse “patriarchy” campaign isn’t worth s~~~. From your description your father seems just like a scumbag. If you want to find an excuse, you will always find it, even if sometimes there just is no excuse available.
I was raised in a verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive household. My father was the author of this misery. My mother wasn’t much help. She was a good woman that worked shift work for the city. This shift work began when I was in grade school and went on through high school. As a result I would only see her for a bout two to three days every other week. Subsequently, my old man had free reign over the kids.
Because of this experience, I did not trust men in general for almost 15 years after leaving home at 17 years old.
MGTOW discusses women because, as men and young boys, we have witnessed, or directly experienced, the devastation that a woman is capable of causing in relationships. They socially and legally posses all of the power in interpersonal relationships. This truth does not preclude the possibility that a man can be both a bully and misogynist. In general, the MGTOW philosophy is not one of misogyny. We neither hate nor like women. We just don’t see the emotional and financial benefit of keeping one long term if at all.
That you are MGTOW is not the beginning and the end of a person’s identity. It may be at the forefront of your thinking right now. I am going through this also. But it is not the sole focus of my identity. I am a father, student, woodworker, gardener. I am a man. Alive and whole. With spiritual, emotional, and intellectual depths. And so are you. These attributes/qualities empower you to carve your own path in the world. Have faith in yourself and be of strong heart.
Putting too much trust in any one person when it comes to major decisions (money, living accommodations, investment, debt) is a recipe for failure.
Do your own due diligence. Only a foolish man blindly puts his faith in another. Including his own parents.
I believe in you, and in any other man’s ability to succeed in this world and to be happy.
"I asked you a question. I didn't ask you to repeat what the voices in you head are telling you" ~ Me. ........Yes I'm still angry.
Interesting, I’m new here and just read my first post, yours.
Your father may have anger management problems. He may (or may not) have been pushed there by others, including women and men.
I think each case is different. And you’re the best placed here to judge your father’s behaviour.
What I’ve noticed though, on myself, is that reading others having the same difficulty as I did is getting my anger a little higher, and I hate to be angry, had some anger management problems while I was kid and trying not to go back there.
That said I don’t think it’s always women fault, but here it is a forum where mens talk about their bad experiences to let the steam out and compare/get acknoledge they are not crazy. ( or should I say, violent, abusive, sexual maniac etc)
So it’s probably normal that it’s giving that impression that everyone is blaming women’s for everything. This is frustration getting out about a situation that is opressing us.
Maybe there is other mens here that may identify to your father and may try to explain why they were acting like this, so you may find answers to your question, and maybe see another face of the dime, that you probably missed (or not).
I assume that you want to find a human in your father, understand why someone could act like this and how this could be related to women, or not, and I hope you find out.
Regards
What I see, in MGTOW, is a way for a single man to be able to overcome a lot of the issues of the world, if he can get his stuff together, and it isn’t just problems with women.
With my father, he is full of fear about the remaining years, and feels a need to control things. He fears dying from what I can tell, and has causes a snowball effect. I think he is feeling powerless over life. He hasn’t fostered good relationships with anyone and it compounds with him. He also starts out in an irritated state a lot as a starting point, so he doesn’t have much of a place to go up. Yes, it gets bad to the extent that when I try to put barriers between his yelling and myself, he takes it as an offense, and wants to rip the barriers away, like he wants others to sample it, or what I do for my own sanity is an attack against him.
But, for me, does it matter why he is the way he is? I just need to try to avoid him if I can, and get on with my own life. I realize there is a no win situation here, so why play? I can go ahead and try to fix him, or fight him, and in the process never develop an identity on my own, that works when I am independent of him. That I can’t afford to do, as I see it.
I actually think there is a degree of liberation sometime in futility. You begin to not give a f’k at all about the situation. And you stop trying to be manipulated and look elsewhere. Also, in places of pain, trying to master a shifting of focus helps also. When I was laid up with back issues that caused pain, the only way I could manage was to shift focus to doing things constructive.
"I am my own thang. Any questions?" - Davis S Pumpkins.
I have student loan debt, because I had male mentor figure tell me I had to get out of the house where I was, and get a job (I go back years later to talk of things, and while the conversation went pleasant and I vented, he managed to duck stage right and is no longer available, and too busy). It led to a snowball I am not recovering from. And that is my mother’s fault? I lost a 401K on a business venture that went south with a male business partner, who didn’t know how to maintain relationships with anyone, would scheme against business partners and would repeatedly get screwed. I ended up going bankrupt because of a man on the Internet pitching get rich quick schemes, one scheme the SEC went after and warned me about.
I am just noticing a pattern Richard, the excuses in your story brother. I don’t know how lucrative the youtube business can be, and it is admirable that you have been making videos to help other Mgtow, and I don’t know you’re entire story, but it’s time to focus on yourself brother. Best of luck.
This is a great video, and I am aware that everyone may not agree with the part about fathers.
Because in order to be able to think, you have to risk being offensive.
Richard,
My Father turned mentally ill when I was in 4th grade. And I am talking off the rails schizophrenic. He was an asshole to begin with, and when he went nuts he refused to take meds and just got 10x worse. The only thing I blame my mother for is being an enabler for 7 years, when any normal woman would have left him. A normal woman would not have wanted to subject their child to potential 24/7 emotional abuse, that is Lizard Brain level ignorance on her part.
Is it my mother’s fault that my father went bat s~~~ crazy for 7 years = NO.
Is it her fault for letting me be exposed to it for 7 years = YES.
Sovereignty above all else.
Richard, it definitely sounds like your father has anger issues, has he been on the hamster wheel for a while? Has he been supporting you, and are you capable of going out to support yourself?
I’m not trying to be a dick, but it sounds like you are not meeting the basics of Maslow’s hieracrhy of needs, specifically safety/security. You need to respect yourself and find some way to leave, you’ll feel much better. You can’t save the world and your father will have to sort himself out. At this point in time, it appears to me that you should focus on yourself.
my father threatened to trash the door if I shut it again.
Because in order to be able to think, you have to risk being offensive.
I have student loan debt, because I had male mentor figure tell me I had to get out of the house where I was, and get a job (I go back years later to talk of things, and while the conversation went pleasant and I vented, he managed to duck stage right and is no longer available, and too busy). It led to a snowball I am not recovering from. And that is my mother’s fault? I lost a 401K on a business venture that went south with a male business partner, who didn’t know how to maintain relationships with anyone, would scheme against business partners and would repeatedly get screwed. I ended up going bankrupt because of a man on the Internet pitching get rich quick schemes, one scheme the SEC went after and warned me about.
I am just noticing a pattern Richard, the excuses in your story brother. I don’t know how lucrative the youtube business can be, and it is admirable that you have been making videos to help other Mgtow, and I don’t know you’re entire story, but it’s time to focus on yourself brother. Best of luck. This is a great video, and I am aware that everyone may not agree with the part about fathers:
I have too much time on my hands, and nothing working. So, I go to do YouTube videos to sort things out, and get my thoughts down. It is therapy of sort for for me. I do say this now, with myself heading out to a Meetup later tonight for game design, which is what I do.
In regards to excuses, I just mention things I had, because I played the sucker, and just went along. That is my fault with it. Even if there is the case of being a victim, you have to recover for it, and stop being in it. I bring it up, because I didn’t fully go my own way, but allowed bad influences in. Idea is to get better and never again. I was also saying that, with me, women haven’t been the main problem I have faced. I do see MGTOW as “no excuses”.
In regards to Maslow, oh yes I am short in a lot of ways, but I can work on some areas, and see. There is a lot of mental work I do, so I can keep focus and so on. I have to do what I can here, and move past a lot, and do it without really any money either. It is what I have.
"I am my own thang. Any questions?" - Davis S Pumpkins.
Hi Richardhutnik,
I can not only identify, but I can relate with you in regards to how my father was abusive…to the degree that yours sounds like mine on so many levels. ( He even took my sister’s virginity, the bastard!) That being said and shared, I feel that I may have some thoughts that may (or may not) be helpful to you bro…..
<span style=”font-family: ‘Open Sans’, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px; background-color: #fbfbfb;”>For me, I have to take ownership of myself, no matter who, because if I don’t, I will get screwed again, no matter who or what the entity is that will do this. But, maybe it is just women alone. Women alone doesn’t work for me as a narrative.</span>
Forgive me if I come across harsh, but after rereading your post a few times now, I am not understanding why the bulk of it seems to be more focused on the validity (or lack thereof) regarding the narrative, instead of your mom (and/or yours) life in danger here.
In short, I propose you are asking the wrong question here, given the overall context and feel of your post. I am more concerned about you and your mom, and whether or not if your father would ever snuff her (and you?) out of existence.
Which brings me to:
I too once had this train of thought…and (in my case) anyway, was a recipe for disaster…
1. If I take ownership of myself = I wont get screwed.
Unfortunately, this for me was a false sense of mental solitude and security….people, mostly women ( that I opened myself up to intimately, or not) would still exploit ( at the bare minimum, rekt me in worse case scenario) me regardless of how much I took “ownership” ( i.e pay for almost everything, man up, be responsible, logical, common sense, etc. ) because people can and will say & do anything, depending on their agenda, etc… and one never knows when or where the next onslaught will come from, or what it will be, or how bad, etc.
Result (consequence) : I found myself chasing my own tail so to speak, trying to figure out why this defense for my well-being failed, and thus the never ending cycle of what is wrong with me ( or women, my father, the world, or an entity, etc) would spiral even more out of control, on an emotional level, at the very least…and I would find myself in this loop in my mind of, I took charge of myself, but I still got screwed anyway, wtf?
In tactics of Chess, this is akin to playing strictly defensively, and waiting for your opponent to come at you, and then still losing because the offense overpowered your defense = game over, I lost.
2. Maybe it is just women alone as the narrative, but that doesn’t work for “you” as the narrative:
<span style=”font-family: ‘Open Sans’, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px; background-color: #fbfbfb;”>Right before I typed this, he yelled the following to my mother: “If I could kill you and get away with it, I would.” </span>
In this point, the narrative here is about the implications of wanting to kill your mother and get away with it (aka not have to pay the consequences), Not to mention all the other f~~~ed up s~~~ that is going on in this dynamic( Like, if you were no longer living there, she no longer has a witness of his threat being carried out). Sounds like many women I have met and known…want all the power, cake and eat it too, with no responsibility or consequences….see victim card, and men-hating and always blaming us men for everything under the sun, for examples of this, that women so often use/abuse to manipulate others (mostly men) to gain whatever it is you have that they have targeted. These tactics can be done by both genders, but it seems that females are masters of it, and most the time, it seems they are the harbingers of it. Obviously not the case here with your mom, based upon what you have shared.
Result (consequence) if you go back to point 1. as her son, how do you take ownership of yourself in this situation? Especially if your father ever carries it through?? It sounds like only having a defensive strategy here brings an extremely high risk factor of whether or not your father will ever follow through. I am not a betting man by no means, but the odds must be weighed….if one is to make a calculated risk assessment and take “ownership” of any given situation.
If your father were to carry out this horrific threat, would you regret it the rest of your life, on not taking action now to secure the safety of your mother and/or yourself? …..IF he did, how would you taking ownership of yourself, keep you from being screwed if this scenario were to ever play out?
Just food for thought…as I stated near the beginning, this train of logic never worked for me. I had (and it’s an ongoing process) to start thinking about HOW I was going to get more control over my life, to minimize potential risks/threats. A strictly defensive strategy has never worked for me personally, and can only speak for myself in that regard. Thus why MGTOW is now my home.
I suppose, one could debate/argue the narrative, one hand women are at the center of marriage, family, etc…and therefore is at the base of our society, and all that is built upon that foundation (society, civilization) vs it being on us men that built (most) everything upon that foundation by way of blood, sweat, tears, and lives on many occasions….for us to have said civilization. The issue, among many others here…is that we have worked( been robbed of our primary biological roles on almost every lvl, if not every) ourselves out of that job…and have been stripped of almost all roles…many are no longer able to provide and protect ( 2nd class citizens, atms, sperm banks, no longer have rights to our offspring, the list goes on and on and on) it took for us to be here as humanity in a whole, in this “modern era” >…>
So, if it is not women being the narrative to the foundation of humanity, then it just throws it right back on the men? Really?? Just, NO…
And hence, why we are here on this forum, trying to draw strength from each other to be informed, and help each other not only survive, but stand and thrive the reality we are having to deal with due to The feminist movement.
In closing, if the feminist movement had not gone to the extreme, wouldn’t you or (your mom) would have already called the police to get a restraining order to get some kind of protection and paper trail going to try and have some kind of peace of mind that you are safe & trying to do something about it?
But alas, this is just how much havoc it has caused us men, we are sitting here discussing validity and whys & wherefores, instead of taking immediate action….because we have been rekt by said entity as a whole, and we are assessing the damage of it.
Nothing but respect here for ya man, and I say these things to you in hopes that you will get you and your mom safe, so we can continue discussing and sharing our viewpoints and life for many years to come.
Cheers,
TribalAge
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