Dear pZ1$.
Sorry you are feeling sexually deprived. I am glad that you feel like you have people you can turn to in this forum; however, I encourage you not to take all these comments to heart as people are making a lot of sexist comments and assumptions about your wife’s sexual endeavors without much information. I certainly wouldn’t feel hopeful or desirous of my wife if I were reading these comments on your end.
First and foremost, you said your wife was never very sexually motivated to begin with. Some people just aren’t. You knew that going in so my question is: did you assume that would change? Most people don’t change. Also, The comforts of marriage and the monotony of routine have seemingly decreased her desire even further. This is normal.
I am left wondering some things:
1) does your wife have a negative sexual history? Do you know if she has ever been sexually assaulted or forced into sex when she was not consenting? If so, that could be why she requires so much control over when and how often she has sex. It could also impact her level of motivation.
2) What does your wife think of her body? It’s clinically proven that women with negative self-image have less body confidence and thus less desire to have sex. If body image issues are the case maybe you can help. Ask what she thinks of her body and how you can help.
3) Have you asked her what the barriers are? If she is an honest person by nature she may give you insight into what is going on for her.
4) How is your communication in general? A lot of times sexual intimacy decreases in the relationship when emotional intimacy has decreased. When did you have your last date? How often do you chat about things other than work or kids or responsibilities? How well do you talk about feelings with each other. By nature, the majority of women are emotionally driven during sex. Put emphasis on turning on what is between her ears and you may find the key to turning on what is between her legs.
5) what does she do for work? Is it a high stress job? Maybe that is why it consumes her time. Also, stress causes fatigue. Fatigue can have a severely negative impact on sexual drive.
6) Forget what some forum members are saying: you do not tell your wife that she had to have sex with you, and that won’t make her want you any more. It Would probably make her want you less, actually. Consent is always necessary. Married or not married…without consent you don’t have trust. As s~~~ty as it is that your needs aren’t being met you should be proud and honored that this woman trusted you enough to choose to spend her life with you and trusts you enough to know she can say no.
7) have you ever explained how you feel when she doesn’t have sex with you or refuses? How do you feel when she says, “ugh, let’s just get it over with.” More than just sexually frustrated, you may feel undesirable, hurt, rejected. Tell her this if you haven’t. She cannot argue with your feelings and she can’t read your mind.
Anyways, as far as dropping out of a marriage just because of lack sex seems petty, but what I’m learning (obviously the hard way) is that it’s usually not just sex that is lacking, it’s the intimacy and closeness that leads someone to want sex, that is the important issue. I’ve been reading and talking to a lot of different people on related topics and in most cases there’s a lack of romance and intimacy way before the lack of sex becomes an issue. Sex usually masks the lack of attentiveness in a couple before the sex stops. An example would be the woman gets angry because the man forgets an anniversary or other important date they fight then make up. The real reason for the tension was because of lack of thoughtfulness on the husband’s part but it was made better with make up sex. Basically a quick substitute for the lack of attention she initially wanted. Sooner or later though that substitute loses value because the person realizes their feelings weren’t valued to begin with. Anyways, moral of the story sex and intimacy are two different things but if you can balance them equally neither loses value.
The movie “The River Wild” (1994) had a scene between a mother and daughter:
Daughter: “…but I’m really sick of the whole thing. I’m sick of the whole fight. Everything has become unbelievably hard.”
Mother: “Huh? Honey, forgive me, but you don’t know what hard is. That’s because you give yourself an out. In our generation, we had no out. That was the pact of marriage. Do you think if I gave myself an out…with your father, given his orneriness and his deafness…that I wouldn’t have taken it years ago?”
That dialog struck me when I saw that otherwise mundane action/adventure film and has stayed in my mind ever since. I see it as stating marriage isn’t as convenient as basic dating, that if it isn’t working out and gets too difficult that it can just be ended quickly and cleanly; rather marriage requires work, even for those who are a “perfect match”. Too viewpoints I’ve read recently on what someone in a marriage should do when the first inkling of the thought of divorce enters his/her mind:
- Don’t let the problems get so bad that you can’t easily recognize then fix them. The problems sneak up on you and metastasize very quickly. You need to act quickly to save yourself and your relationships.
- It’s tough in life, and it’s better to go at with a partner than by yourself.
Finally, If you want support figuring out how to improve your sex life my suggestion to you is to talk to your wife. Ask questions instead of jumping to conclusions. She is the keeper of all the insight you need to resolve this.
I wish you strength and courage with communicating these issues and figuring out a way to resolve the concerns.
Crowbar 2 years, 11 months ago.
