I discovered MGTOW on Sunday, after a weekend that ended with a woman I was dating telling me I was not worth her time and that if I tried to approach her again she would tell the entire office I’m a virgin. I explained that in detail in my intro. Before this weekend I had no idea about the red pill or any of the ideas discussed here, but I know that if I hadn’t found it, I wouldn’t be trying to crawl out of the hole she got me in. I would have probably ended my life, the emotional pain I felt was so much. This incident was the final straw, it wasn’t an isolated one but the accumulation of everything just really got to me.
It has been so hard to try to understand why this happened to me or why it happens to a lot of men. In all honesty, is hard to change a lifetime of trauma in only a couple of days here, but I’m trying my hardest. I promise. I’m reading and listening to everything all the guys here have sent me. But I still woke up this morning feeling very sad. I’m 25- years-old, and I know my life hasn’t been great, and that maybe I should much stronger mentally but this morning, just thinking about going to work and seeing this woman walk around the office, just made want to vomit out of sheer anger. I’ve suffered from panic attacks since I was a teenager, and I’m afraid that it might happen to me at work. The level of cruelty she showed towards me, make me believe that she might enjoy seeing me like that. Not sure if anybody else here has ever had a panic attack in a public setting, but it’s one of the most horrifying things ever.
I guess I’ m not sure why panic attacks happen to me, but maybe it’s connected to how I was brought up, or maybe is genetic. I don’t know. The past couple days I’ve been thinking a lot about how I grew up. I was raised by a single mother, who had a lot of boyfriends throughout my childhood, my aunts, and my grandmother. I never had a male figure in my life, so I never really knew how a man had to behave. My mother’s love always felt conditional. If I behaved the way she wanted me to then she acted caring. She wanted me to always be polite, a gentleman, and be quiet. She always told me she didn’t want me to become like my father. None of the men she dated ever stuck around for long. As a kid I honestly always hoped one of them would stick around and be my dad. Like, I just wanted someone to take me to the park, or an ally in this house full of women. I never had a voice in this house.
All my childhood and teenage years my mom wanted to have just caged at home. I never had any friends because I had to go from school straight home to take care of grandma or help my aunts. I didn’t mind. I’m not ungrateful. They did provide for me, but I never felt much love. I always felt like my aunts, my mom, and my grandma would project their hatred towards the men in their lives on me. Sometimes I just wanted a hug you know? Or like to feel protected or like someone had my back. Of course, I was always super shy and quiet because that’s how my mother taught me. I was an easy target for bullies at school. When I showed up with a black eye or bruises none of them told me to fight back or that they would help me out. They would instead be mad at me. I always felt they were so ashamed of me just because I was a boy.
My mother didn’t want me to hang out with other boys or young men. She never allowed me to play sports, or to join any activities. I wasn’t allowed to bring friends into the house and I had all the duties of “the man of the house.” Whatever that meant. To me it meant that on weekends I had to mow the lawn, or clean the house, or run errands. It was a pretty sad childhood and teenage years. When I became a teen I felt like me being a young man caused a lot of conflict at home. Like my mom and my aunts didn’t want me to be masculine. I was just normal you know? Like any other 16 or 17 year –old boy I wanted to do things. One time one of my aunts accidentally caught me masturbating, and it was like the end of the world was coming. She told my mom and she scold me. She told me I was disgusting and that nice people didn’t do those things. I felt so ashamed and embarrassed. Little by little I just became a shadow of a boy. It was like she didn’t want me to be a man, or like being masculine was a crime. It really messed me up, and of course, I had to dad, no uncles, no grandpa, and not even cousins because my aunts never married or had kids. I was the only boy in that family. I felt so alone and like they didn’t understand me or wanted to.
When I finally moved out of that house I tried to start a normal life, but it was very difficult to get my mind off what I had been trained to feel. Believe it or not my panic attacks and anxiety actually got worse once I moved out. I felt so incompetent, like I didn’t know what to do with so much freedom, and that would make me freak out. For the first time in my life I started trying to go on dates, often very unsuccessfully. I’m not a model or an actor, but I think I look Ok, so I always thought that if women were not paying attention to me it was because of my personality. Sadly, even at this stage in life I couldn’t find supportive men around me or friends. Co-workers at the office were all married with kids or in long-term relationships with their girlfriends. Sometimes I just wanted to go out for a beer you know? Like to have a buddy to talk about that new movie or that one awesome football game, or whatever. I noticed that most of the guys at the office either hanged out with other guys that were married or with their high school friends. I didn’t have any high school friends and at some I just stopped trying to invite co-workers out for beers. Rejection hurts a lot, and I guess I was already wrecked emotionally to take more. When I turned 21, a few years back, I thought of looking for my dad, but I knew my mom wouldn’t tell me anything, and maybe he wouldn’t want to see me.
I kept on trying to date. Back then I felt like asking a girl out was the bravest thing a guy could do. Sometimes they would say yes, but then when I asked for a second date they would just act like if I was harassing them. Dating apps just made me feel even more stupid. I felt like it was a job interview just to get a date. I thought, “Is there really not a single woman that’s interested in me?” That hurts a lot. It make questioned whether I was the problem, or maybe if I had listened to my mother, or maybe if I had a better job, or if I started going to the gym they would find me more attractive. At the same time, I often feel like I have no voice, like nothing I say matters. At work and everywhere else I’m often told, “You shouldn’t talk about that because you are straight white male.” I just feel so dismissed, like my thoughts just don’t matter for being a straight male. I mean just because I’m a straight male doesn’t mean I can’t feel compassion right. Why do women and society have to make me feel like I’m the worst monster just because of how I was born?
For those of you who don’t know yet, I was recently dating a woman from work, which I now see was a terrible mistake. We went out for a couple months, but she didn’t want to have sex. I’m a virgin, and of course I was excited with the prospect of having sex. After a couple months dating I decide to plan a weekend getaway as a special occasion for us to finally be intimate. She cancelled on me the day we were supposed to leave (Friday). Then she wouldn’t reply to my calls or texts. There was no reason for her to act that way. We hadn’t argued or anything. I was really upset and shocked by her behavior. I went to her apartment on Saturday and she very aggressively told me she wanted to do with me and that if I approached her again she would tell the whole office that I’m a virgin. It just f~~~ing broke me down badly. I’m still not fully ok, but thanks to the fact that I discovered this site I’m trying to get out of this hole. This girl would always tell me that she thought I was too innocent and pure for her, but I guess I thought she meant it in a good way. I don’ t do drugs, I don’t drink often, I have no tattoos, I’m respectful. But now I see that being innocent or naïve is a negative quality for women.
Saturday I did drink a lot after she told me those things. I got really drunk because I was angry and hurt. On my way home I took an Uber, and the driver told me he had seen the same “lost puppy” eyes I had on so many other young men. Then he told me about MGTOW, and that’s how I go here. I don’t want to be a mangina. I don’t want to disappoint all the guys that have shared their wisdom with me here, but I know still feel weak mentally. It really makes sad that I never had a father in my life. I wondered how different I would be if I had had an ally in my life growing up. At 25 I still feel like a child and not a man, and that angers me with myself. Sorry for the very long post. I just have a lot of thoughts in my head right now.
Antipathy 2 years, 8 months ago.
