If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

[RoyDalParticipant]

Speaking of fun stuff …
If you’re not familiar the work of Steven Wright, he’s the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: “I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.” His mind sees things differently than most of us do. Here are some of his gems.

1 – I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 – Borrow money from pessimists–they don’t expect it back.

3 – Half the people you know are below average.

4 – 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 – 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 – A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 – A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 – If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

9 – All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 – The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 – I almost had a psychic girlfriend … but she left me before we met.

12 – OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

13 – How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

14 – If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 – Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 – When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

17 – Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 – Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 – I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

20 – If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 – Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

22 – What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 – My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

24 – Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 – If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 – A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 – Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

28 – The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 – To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 – The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 – The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

32 – The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 – Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.

34 – If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

And the all-time favorite:

35 – If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Society asks MGTOWs: Why are you not making more tax-slaves?

[HitmanParticipant]

A much needed laugh! Thanks brother!

[KeymasterKeymaster]

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

I remember when I first heard that one and found it HILARIOUS – and brilliant! I haven’t heard it often said by many, but thanks for the share RoyDal.

If you keep doing what you've always done... you're gonna keep getting what you always got.

[Anonymous 24]

RoyDal wrote:

1 – I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Obama did, many times over… (I know, he actually got it first just for fancy talk, then did the killing later)

Good post Roydal, I had never heard most of these before. In fact, the only ones I am sure I have heard were numbers 10 and 26, and 26 is likely my favorite, now I know where it came from, thanks.

[Just a ManParticipant 934]

Thirty-ish years ago I saw his stand up on TV and I have not forgotten:

“Some people lose buttons…

…I lose button holes.”

The man is hilarious, beyond a doubt.

Philosophy, the female repellent

[OgreParticipant 5863]

His delivery always added a lot to it. Absolutely dead pan, and looking like he just woke up.

He and Mitch Hedberg have very similar styles of just throwing a thought out there and letting it soak until the laugh comes. With people that didn’t have much going on upstairs they usually were so far behind that the laughs would come WAY late.

I failed to realize in my youth that I was the prize. I was going to work. I was going to earn. Little did I realize that due to feminism, that no longer meant I had to share. Road soon, Desert after.

[FreedomParticipant 295]

I have heard and quoted many of these without knowing who authored them. Thanks for the info!

It is wise to fear dangerous commitments.

[KTHParticipant 151]

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

[chirParticipant]

Whats the Speed of Dark?

Just a little faster than the speed of light. When light shows up Dark is already gone.

Rimshot please…
“Badum-tisshhh”

It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion, it is by the beans of Java that thoughts acquire speed, the hands acquire shaking, the shaking becomes a warning; it is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.

[chirParticipant]

I thought about procrastinating but I decided to put it off for a while…

Rimshot please…
“Badum-tisshhh”

It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion, it is by the beans of Java that thoughts acquire speed, the hands acquire shaking, the shaking becomes a warning; it is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.

[ShinyParticipant 2307]

Love the man’s work. My favourite is, “there’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot”.

[LeoParticipant 25]

Thank you! I heard some of these before (especially “To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research” seems to be famous among students) but didn’t know who was the author.

For now my favourite is:
“A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.”

[The Batman 2020Participant 2112]

Shiny wrote:

Love the man’s work. My favourite is, “there’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot”.

Been there, at least I’m usually drinking beer though

Your 20's are for learning, your 30's are for earning.

[Sky-OParticipant 18934]

‘If at first you don’t succeed. Skydiving is not for you.’

If at first you don’t succeed during a jump, cut away your main and pull the reserve handle. It is one of the few dangerous things in life that has the option of an almost instant second chance.

[Chaff/FlareParticipant 3235]

Sky-O wrote:

‘It is one of the few dangerous things in life that has the option of an almost instant second chance.

That and a gun. Hmmm I like both.

When you find yourself in the majority, it's time to reflect.

[Chaff/FlareParticipant 3235]

chir wrote:

Whats the Speed of Dark?

Just a little faster than the speed of light. When light shows up Dark is already gone.

Rimshot please…
“Badum-tisshhh”

That is a very good question. Up/down, matter/ antimatter, positive/ negative , hot/ cold.

What is the speed of dark?

When you find yourself in the majority, it's time to reflect.

[DanceMyOwnWayParticipant 2096]

chir wrote:

I thought about procrastinating but I decided to put it off for a while…

Rimshot please…
“Badum-tisshhh”

I need this quote on my fridge! 🙂

If you fall down 7 times, get up 8

[MGTOW_MedicParticipant 184]

Nice OP, much needed laughs

I’ll share a few platitudes from the past I have heard.

“The Best Things in Life are Free”

They may be free for you, but someone else is paying for them.

“The Rich get Richer and Poor get Poorer”

The rich do get richer, the poor, having little or nothing to lose, can only get richer. If diligence won’t do it then charity will.

“Honesty is the best policy”

Should read, “Credibility is the best policy”

MGtOW_Medic - EMT - P, Firefighter Lvl 2, Hazmat Ops

[Author]

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