I NEED THIS

[Binary LogicParticipant 2351]

Greetings all,
First let me say, KM, I apologize for posting this in Main. Also, I would have sent this to you anon, but f~~~ that, all here I consider brothers, old and new. And they deserve to hear it as much as any other in my opinion. Regardless, I’ve not got my bearing all together as I am just waking up. I want to pen it while the feeling is fresh. With that in mind, all that read, please forgive me if I jump back and forth. I have yet to master the thrust my thoughts into a coherent pattern. KM, Tower, and a few other vets have that s~~~ down to a science… I envy their thought process.

It’s 5.A.M here in Germany. I’ve slept all of but 2 hrs, sitting here till the wee hours in the Morning trying to code. I am up early because what little sleep did bring me, was anything but pleasant. I have been a member of this forum, of this site, of this godsend of not more than a year, perhaps less. And I just want to take a minute and reaffirm why the f~~~ I am here.

I came here bent, but not broken. For those that figure my intro is to long to read, or too well buried in the thread to remember, long story short, my wife conceived and carried another mans child to birth while still married to me. I was like a docile lamb then, a broken shell of a man, to the point where I did my very best to just swallow what was fact, and move on. Trying to salvage what little I thought was left of my marriage. Suffice to say I have moved on to better things, and not necessarily greener pastures per say, I just learned to water and care for my own f~~~ing grass.

But the nightmares still haunt me. Not as frequently, but they come. Nights such as the last. I spend my few short hours sleep, chasing proverbial shadows. In these dreams, I often encounter my wife, and I search, beg and plead for answers that my mind somehow magically tends to deflect with roundabout vague answers, or answers questions with questions. Suffice to say the answers never come.Then, sometimes it is out of deep sorrow that I awake. And sometimes, I am awakened by my own rage induced, in dream screams, or simply the act of trying to contain it..

I once learned in combat, that you can take anything, but sometimes you just have to take what your mind deems as too much in the moment, and put it in the f~~~ing box and deal with it later. And it seems in terms of my failed marriage, that s~~~ sometimes spills over, or it fills the box up just a little too gd much.
And so I come here, I ingest knowledge, ingest truth, gain an ounce of insight and understanding. And it helps lose my box a little. And I continue to keep reading, keep ingesting wisdom till my head and heart are content and no longer overwhelmed.
No I’m going to purposely jump tracks for second. I will say that I am not by any means suicidal. I don’t believe in self-pity. That is the real enemy. I’ve survived wars. Literally, and not some go to a different place and sit in a safe base deal. It was more trading lives as bullets fly back and forth. I should also say that doesn’t make me any better than the next man, but it does put things into perspective. What you value. What you truly can and can’t deal with. I can tell you as many times as my life flashed before my eyes, the one thing that ran through my mind were thoughts of my wife smiling at me. That’s the only motivation I needed to make sure it was the other guy taking a dirt nap, not I. In hindsight, it should be a testament of how as men, we truly care for our significant others. Even if at times it seems like it’s not enough.. we give a f~~~ as much as one human possibly could. We place them on undeserving, unearned pedestals.

So now I spend my days forging ahead, I make a decent salary, and get to travel the world. Again, that doesn’t make me better than the next man. I’ve also decided to undertake the task of earning a Doctorates in my field of work. Starting from the bottom. Again, this doesn’t make me better than the next man. But I know realize I set out the long term seemingly unobtainable goals, simply to keep my mind distracted. For when I stop to reflect… it only hurts when I breathe. The benefit to this is that even if I don’t reach every last single thing I set out to do, I still turn out better than if I had stayed in that relations~~~. And once I do reach a target, I simply push the goal line back. Fact of the matter is, if I’m still breathing, there is more work to be done. I’ve learned to be like a junky with a bad habit, I always need “just a little bit more.”

So, I need MGTOW. If I had to chose between that and my next breathe, it would be MGTOW. NO, it would be this sole site and the men within it. So much clarity here. So much insight. So much truth. This place here, is a Soul Sanctum. Not to sound blasphemous, but it’s not like a religon. One is not bound by an act of faith. If anything, irrefutable truth is provided with evidence time and again, and that largely makes it an easy pill to swallow. I need this because, quite frankly, f~~~ going to see a psychologist. Why in the hell would I go talk to somebody that I have to pay to give a damn? And what about my bro’s in Arms? I respect their sanity to a degree that few can fathom. If they’ve found their normalcy, who the f~~~ am I to go uproot that with my own problems? Furthermore, it’s evident that what I have dealt with qualified as a totally different kind of war. And ironically enough, many men here are more accustomed to that particular type. This place here, its a first exposure to a grand truth for some, the last great bastion of hope for others…

That’s all I guess.. in it’s inconsistent, in-cohesive, random glory, thanks for the ear gents.. I’ll try to keep the ramblings to a absolute minimum.

Funny, isn't it? How women thrive on a mans time, attention and resources, while simultaneously telling him he isn't enough...

[anonymousyamParticipant 4605]

Okay so basically your wife cucked you? is the child half black, half arabic or half spanish? did it happen you were married to a native german woman? and how come you can survive war without issues but when your bitch wife cheated on you you finally lost it?

Aside from that i don’t know what the f~~~ you should actually do here aside from never marry again you probably should visit a doctor or maybe you can learn to control your dreams via lucid dreaming.

Just an east coast asshole who likes to curse, If you get offended by words like fuck, cunt, shit, piss, bitch or any racial slurs then you just scroll down.

[Binary LogicParticipant 2351]

anonymousyam wrote:

Okay so basically your wife cucked you? is the child half black, half arabic or half spanish? did it happen you were married to a native german woman? and how come you can survive war without issues but when your bitch wife cheated on you you finally lost it?

Aside from that i don’t know what the f~~~ you should actually do here aside from nev

Hey bro, it was just a half awake rant. And no, this happened years ago. Back in the states, I’ve since just kind of did my own thing, work, travel and educate. Never marry again, yup, got that down to a T. Go see a doc… nah. Not my thing. Lucid dreaming would be cool.. but, I don’t foresee sleep being of any use as there is just too much s~~~ left to conquer. Anyhow, thanks for the input.

Funny, isn't it? How women thrive on a mans time, attention and resources, while simultaneously telling him he isn't enough...

[FunInTheSunParticipant 8283]

Hey Binary,

Best wishes to you as you pursue your college degree. I hope you get to a place in your life where you can be at peace. You deserve a better life after all the hard work and sacrifices you’ve made.

—Fun

"I saw that there comes a point, in the defeat of any man of virtue, when his own consent is needed for evil to win-and that no manner of injury done to him by others can succeed if he chooses to withhold his consent. I saw that I could put an end to your outrages by pronouncing a single word in my mind. I pronounced it. The word was ‘No.’" (Atlas Shrugged)

[Binary LogicParticipant 2351]

FunInTheSun wrote:

Hey Binary,

Best wishes to you as you pursue your college degree. I hope you get to a place in your life where you can be at peace. You deserve a better life after all the hard work and sacrifices you’ve made.

—Fun

Thanks Fun. I’m sure it will. I suppose what they say about old wounds IS true. I find everything is perfectly fine during the day, but obviously, subconsciously, either the stuff is unresolved, or just not buried deep enough to be completely forgotten. As I say,I’m a little bent, not broken. We may be MGTOW, but we are still human. We still have hurts like everyone else. Thanks for the vote of confidence, means alot brother.

Funny, isn't it? How women thrive on a mans time, attention and resources, while simultaneously telling him he isn't enough...

[WallyParticipant]

Hope you find the peace you seek. I have never been in that situation but can only imagine how hurtful that is. Good luck with your degree and I have to agree this site is a soul sanctum, it saves lives.

"what a waste of a life, to marry, give up your freedom, just for the hope of not dying alone. Don't get married Son."

[Enjoy The DeclineParticipant 1719]

I think that what you are looking for is some closure for the sh*t that has happened to you. You also pointed out that you needed answers for why it happened to you. The only advice that I can tell you is that maybe you will not get answers from the woman that did this to you, but you can get answers from learning about woman psychology from this web site as well as mgtow books in general to cope with how you are feeling. I do not think that a psychologist is going to help you much, but the psychologist would also help you describe how you are feeling as well as help you have a more accurate perceptive on how the world really perceived. But from one of the introductions I read in this site, if there is one thing I learned, it is that you need closure to finally be at peace with yourself. I just saved you over 100 dollars right there just for that advice alone. Only when you read up about woman psychology with the help of mgtow books as well as with all the content in this site’s archive content will you get your answers to your unanswered questions, because then you would gain a new insight about human nature that would help aid you into figuring out the answers to the questions you have been wanting to answer.

"Question everything" - Albert Einstein

[Binary LogicParticipant 2351]

Wally, Decline. Thanks for the kind words.

Enjoy The Decline wrote:

I think that what you are looking for is some closure for the sh*t that has happened to you. You also pointed out that you needed answers for why it happened to you. The only advice that I can tell you is that maybe you will not get answers from the woman that did this to you,

I absolutely agree. 100%. I know the answers will never come. Or if they are justified, it is because… Vagina. I understand this while awake. Sure, but I don’t think I either *truly understand it, or more specifically have INGRAINED it into my subconscious. After all, it only f*cks with me occasionally whilst I sleep.

Enjoy The Decline wrote:

. I do not think that a psychologist is going to help you much, but the psychologist would also help you describe how you are feeling as well as help you have a more accurate perceptive on how the world really perceived.

Funny you mentioned that.. I once talked, briefly about it to a VA psych.. their (her) advice, be a mangina… this was some years ago. And as you can see… it er… didn’t work.

Enjoy The Decline wrote:

Only when you read up about woman psychology with the help of mgtow books as well as with all the content in this site’s archive content will you get your answers to your unanswered questions, because then you would gain a new insight about human nature that would help aid you into figuring out the answers to the questions you have been wanting to answer.

Yup. I found this place, or it found me (never can tell) about a year ago. It’s helped tremendously. So much so that I would say I’m actually endebted to most here. I can say with certainty, it’s helped me to keep from bouncing off the walls, and better understand the world around me. As for my issue, it’ll take time I suppose. And time is the one thing No man has control over… anyhow. Thanks for the insight, feedback, kind words of reassurance, and listening to the rant. Hope it doesn’t detract from your day brother.

Funny, isn't it? How women thrive on a mans time, attention and resources, while simultaneously telling him he isn't enough...

[AttonParticipant]

that doesn’t make me better than the next man.

Not better just f~~~ing miles ahead of the game. I think everything with will work out ok for you.

A MGTOW is a man who is not a woman's bitch!

[Anonymous 42]

Bro, you’re in the know, things are only gonna get better! I used to lay awake with proverbial worms in my stomach and bats in my head after seeing and being involved with married women. I never had an interest in them until women had finally whittled away my respect and lowered my standards to 0.

Once you reboot with logic and understanding your mind will take care of it’s self, while simultaneously becoming hypersensitive to things you never dreamed you’d see, you gain insight to your soul and start protecting that above all else.

The s~~~ I can take now and still fall asleep amazes the f~~~ out of me! When you’re sleeping you’ll find it’s the only time you’re consumed by emotion. Once your logic has emotion in handcuffs (where it ought to be) your mind will run allot smoother giving way to the more pleasurable side of life…

Thanks for the complement B-L, I’m honored more than you could possibly understand, especially coming from a guy that ducked flying lead.
Thank-you, and I salute you!

I’m only more than pleased to help men get the war of illusion out of their heads.

[Maraudrz1Participant 2250]

You can come on here and rant anytime you feel the need. As you may well know there are many subjects on this site that may help. We are all brothers-in-arms here. We are here for each other.

Women's brains and vagina have one thing in common. There is nothing in there until a man puts something in there.

[Anonymous 3]

I had a call from my daughter yesterday, she has some problems. She complained about her self image, and how she talks down to herself.
I said to her: stop talking to yourself! Who are you talking to? Who is listening to you?
Everybody does this, but if we think of it is the very definition of insanity.
How does one step into a cold shower? You don’t think about it, and just do it.

Thinking about the past is useless. Accepting the past is necessary. It takes more guts to say “I was an idiot” than to try to rationalize other people’s behavior. Hell! If we don’t accept our own idiocy how do we expect other to do it?

[Binary LogicParticipant 2351]

Thanks Atton, Tower. Much appreciated, the words of encouragement. Thank You to Maraudrz1, it’s nice to know at least one is open to the idea if I ever need to vent again.

Thank you too Zen, your words do resonate just a bit. However, I would say that I think just flat out ‘Accepting’ things for what they are is kind of a No-go.

I mean, we accept money, we accept the idea that the world is round. We accept the idea/or fact that woman are outright bats~~~ crazy… in contrast, we don’t simply accept the fact that talking to yourself is normal, you wouldn’t accept being pushed around or talked down to. Why is that? It’s because some things warrant a response or justification. Saying “Because” is simply not enough.

With that said, we would probably slap fire from someone that placed there hands on us. Knock-out, drag out, choke-out fights aren’t anything new to us. But when all-out phsyical warfare isn’t an option when someone has wronged you, the next best thing you get is answers. At least to me.

As an afterthought, I now have to go dig through the forums to find an old post KM put it regarding that… I remember a scene cut out of a movie with Gerard Butler and Meg Ryan.. he basically started with the 50 damn questions too.. but more importantly, I remember KM and the others posted something significant there.. I’ve got to go hunt brother. Thanks Zen, you might have helped more than you know…

Funny, isn't it? How women thrive on a mans time, attention and resources, while simultaneously telling him he isn't enough...

[CPT ObviousParticipant 2760]

Thank you for posting this. Truly, thanks. Its posts like this that keep me coming back to the site.

While hopefully cathartic for you, it was helpful for me, too. Lots of parallels between your story and mine. I had (and still have) many similar feelings and experiences. I have been contemplating writing a similar vent. This forum is a perfect place to let it out. Just haven’t gotten around to it, but reading yours is the next best thing.

Thinking about what you said reinforces a thought I keep having: Combining a cheating wife, painful divorce, and a combat tour is very poisonous elixir to one’s peace of mine. I have not slept well since getting back from Afghanistan. We were an infantry team embedded in an Afghan police headquarters and went outside the wire at least once a week. From the sounds of your experience, I don’t think I need to tell you anymore about the stuff we experienced. But as you mention, you put those feelings in a box at the time. The thought of dying didn’t even really register. People shooting at us, trying to blow us up, was just surreal. However, when you get back to a “normal life” it seems like the brain can’t process what happened.

I am (or at least was) in IT as well. People like us have a very logical brain, so it’s tough, if not impossible, to reconcile what the ex-wife did. Consequently the brain continues to run in an endless loop trying to resolve the what and why. Like you, I am working on my second masters to keep my mind distracted.

My only request is that you not “keep the ramblings to an absolute minimum.” Instead, fire for effect. There are some here, like me, that need to hear ‘em.

"You don't know a woman till you have met her in divorce court."

[Binary LogicParticipant 2351]

CPT Obvious wrote:

Thank you for posting this. Truly, thanks. Its posts like this that keep me coming back to the site.

While hopefully cathartic for you, it was helpful for me, too. Lots of parallels between your story and mine. I had (and still have) many similar feelings and experiences. I have been contemplating writing a similar vent. This forum is a perfect place to let it out. Just haven’t gotten around to it, but reading yours is the next best thing.

CPT,
From the bottom of my heart, thank you man. THANK YOU. Although I lack answers I’ll never get, having someone say that they truly understand what I was trying to convey, helps a million fold. Right now I really lack the words to describe the burden that takes of my shoulders.
I would never wish something the things we’ve endured on any man, no, not even my worst enemy. And the fact that my story somewhat parallels with yours, is comforting. Not because misery loves company, but because you can whole-heartedly relate.

CPT Obvious wrote:

Thinking about what you said reinforces a thought I keep having: Combining a cheating wife, painful divorce, and a combat tour is very poisonous elixir to one’s peace of mine. I have not slept well since getting back from Afghanistan. We were an infantry team embedded in an Afghan police headquarters and went outside the wire at least once a week.

I too had those same issues with sleeping. I of all people understand that you can physically leave a place, and mentally still be trapped there. And again, I too have considered that the combination of things are pushing many of us to ledge, some actually stepping off of it. But that you are cognoscente of the combined afflictions tells me that you’ve at least found a starting point to deal with it.

CPT Obvious wrote:

The thought of dying didn’t even really register. People shooting at us, trying to blow us up, was just surreal. However, when you get back to a “normal life” it seems like the brain can’t process what happened.

THIS. That right there. I’ve thought about that two. And really when I considered it.. it’s phases.

On the typical 12 month tour.. your first 3 months are spent just trying to remember the lay of the land, absorbing as much information about your surrounding as you take in and retain. You don’t have time to register, just time to react.

month 3-6, you are becoming about well adjusted, you know where to look for danger, you’ve got the routine down.. you spend the next three months honing your reaction skills.

month 6-9… the magic in-between. Not yet time to go home, not quite done with mission. But something happens here. You come to terms with your own mortality, you understand that death is inevitable and comes for us all. You also kind of realize that the only real control you have is how, or when you go, so you remain vigilant and watchful. Other periphery sense are heightened. You know what your battles footsteps sound like, what his snoring pattern is like, you know who is who by the way it smelled when they sneeze.You gain what I can only describe as “eyes in the back of your head”. Adrenaline is put on tap and quite literally on demand. I hate to say it.. but in essence, you almost feel invincible.

Month 9-12 is sheer hell.. It’s just the waiting game, you are hoping to get back home. Unaware all that time that home is not nearly as you left it.

Does that sound about right? Or am I off my rocker just a bit?

CPT Obvious wrote:

I am (or at least was) in IT as well. People like us have a very logical brain, so it’s tough, if not impossible, to reconcile what the ex-wife did. Consequently the brain continues to run in an endless loop trying to resolve the what and why. Like you, I am working on my second masters to keep my mind distracted.

My only request is that you not “keep the ramblings to an absolute minimum.” Instead, fire for effect. There are some here, like me, that need to hear ‘em.

That right there. Right there. Exactly. It’s comforting. Not in a pity type way, it’s as I said before, understand in the absence of answers. I too needed to hear that, and I didn’t realize it tell I read it. Thank you brother. THAnk YOu ThankYou THANK YOU.

-Sharp Salute!

Funny, isn't it? How women thrive on a mans time, attention and resources, while simultaneously telling him he isn't enough...

[CPT ObviousParticipant 2760]

Binary Logic wrote:

And the fact that my story somewhat parallels with yours, is comforting. Not because misery loves company, but because you can whole-heartedly relate.

Hey Binary,

Well said. When I was going through my first divorce, I felt so alone. I had moved out after my wife cheated — didn’t want to disrupt the kids lives, but couldn’t live with that cheating, crazy woman anymore. But after a couple months of amicable separated living, she initiated a ground zero divorce. Abuse allegations, restraining order, cleaned out bank account, extreme demands, crazy lies posted all over social media.

I was in a bad place, crawled into a bottle for a while. I felt like I was the only one was going through something like this. But when I re-connected with a friend who went through something similar, it really helped. Just knowing others had traveled that same s~~~ty road is comforting. Finding MGTOW was like a weight being lifted off my shoulders.

Like you say, I don’t want or need pity, just understanding.

Binary Logic wrote:

But that you are cognoscente of the combined afflictions tells me that you’ve at least found a starting point to deal with it.

Thanks, and yes, I have. Recognizing the root cause is the start. I was doing pretty well for a while. But recently I have been struggling again. These feelings can be cyclical especially when something happens to dredge up memories and let old feelings out of the box.

Binary Logic wrote:

Does that sound about right? Or am I off my rocker just a bit?

That sounds about right. But everyone’s mileage will vary. I didn’t have the “sheer hell” you describe. It was more just a continuation of what you describe in months 6-9. I had this weird dichotomy of feeling invincible, yet feeling I would be dead before the tour was up. We had several close calls, but just shrugged it off. However, seeing the aftermath of an IED that killed several squad members of an outfit we pre-mob’ed with, was a reality check. It happened just a couple miles away from our COP.

But my last month was just weird. I was so used to the routine and the prospect of dying, going home just didn’t seem real. And your comment….

Binary Logic wrote:

Unaware all that time that home is not nearly as you left it.

…is so true. When I got back, it felt like my first time at Disney World. My reality had changed and the “real world” didn’t feel real anymore.

Lastly, thank you for this:

Binary Logic wrote:

understand in the absence of answers

That statement really helps me frame some of my thoughts. Instead of trying to find logic and answers where none exist, find understanding of the bigger picture with men who can empathize.

Again, thanks for sharing your thoughts. It makes the weight I choose to carry feel lighter.

"You don't know a woman till you have met her in divorce court."

[GrumpyParticipant]

Binary

From my experience there is always a real “trigger” event, sometimes it is a memory, most times (for me anyways) it is a recent event that reignites the memory.
Is this what happened with you?

I know I am guilty of purposely opening a few of my old wounds so I can reinforce to myself why I will never do something again. That is my personal therapy choice, and it works for what is BEST for me.
Are you doing/thinking something like this?

What doesn’t work for me is when external stimuli forces me to revisit issues that I have already dealt with, because it doesn’t “suit” the conventional norm according to some people, and they reopen my “wounds” to help “fix” the issue to their liking.
Could this be the issue?

I mean no disrespect, nor do wish to minimize what you are going through ATM. I am just launching out targets in order to (hopefully) assist you.

There was a time in my life when I gave a fuck. Now you have to pay ME for it

[Anonymous 3]

Binary Logic wrote:

We accept the idea/or fact that woman are outright bats~~~ crazy… in contrast, we don’t simply accept the fact that talking to yourself is normal, you wouldn’t accept being pushed around or talked down to. Why is that? It’s because some things warrant a response or justification. Saying “Because” is simply not enough.

Let me clarify what I mean by accepting, using with my personal story. Being a very clumsy guy, when I was young I refused to acknowledge this reality. I was in denial, and would act up doing stupid stuff making situations a lot worst.
The actor Ben Kinsley once explained how he played a drunk guy: he would repeatedly think “I am not drunk!”. Denial leads to irrationality.
When I finally accepted the reality it was not like I entered a depression (again a denial mechanism), but rather a non-emotional fact.
Now, by accepting a fact I can do something about it, and I did: taekwondo, aikido, karate, hema… I have always practiced disciplines that improved my capability.
I am not the best at it, but I get to be average, and that is a lot better than I was before.

[Prefer Peace to PieceParticipant 10809]

Binary,
Thanks for taking the time to write and share your experience. Reading your post brought back memories of my own experience with “love”.
I’m so sorry you went thru this. It is very painful when someone you love betrays you.
When it happened to me, I finally realized that she never really loved me. I think many people go through a post traumatic stress disorder scenario when something like this happens. You will feel better with time.

Pursuing your PhD should be interesting. Enjoy your studies. Take up some hobbies. I took up golf the day my ex went crazy. I also bought a German Shepard. Hang out with nice people, but don’t give your heart away again.
Good luck and again thanks for sharing

[Author]

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