Home › Forums › Relations~~~s › I need some advice dealing with family over a belligerent relative.
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Slingshot 3 years, 11 months ago.
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I need some advice dealing with family over a belligerent relative.
I find myself in a catch twenty-two situation. I cannot leave the environment. I lack the means. I am still working on that. But, those around me seem to want to cause me problems.
Though, my main problems are having to deal with emotional immature people around me. For the most part I just ignore them and I am fine.
But recently, within the last few years, after being hurt one to many times, I have cut off communication with one family member that has spent decades of their life making my life miserable. Presently, I completely ignore him. In my mind he does not exist in my world.
Before you ask. This person is a man. Not a woman.
The problem with this person is he is an asshole. He is a stubborn pig. Literally. The man likes to snort all the time like a pig. And he acts like a pig. And not the nice kind of pig. He cannot decide on his own what to do. But, he will criticize any action or statement made around him by anyone.
He is built around the size of a adult brown bear, standing up. But, he has the emotional maturity of a child. He literally lacks the intellectual comprehension required to understand what he is doing is wrong. He cannot be reasoned with.
Everyone hates him. People have told me that to my face. The only good thing he is good at is he is a hard worker. That is it.
And for over thirty years, for the sake of my family, I have tried to “get along” with this person. And when I finally decide to give up and walk away, my family wants me to try to “get along” with him.
It would be funny if it was not so sad.
I do not if those around me just enjoy seeing me suffer, or they just want to see the drama that situation of me having to deal with that asshole creates.
To maintain peace in my family I have ignored this asshole. And it has worked for the most part.
My other relatives want me to acknowledge his presence. To say good morning, good night, please, thank you.
But, every time I have made a polite, pleasant comments to him, he has already responded with rude, emotionally abusive manners and comments.
I have tried to tell my relatives this person has to be the one to change. To be the one to come up to me and be nice. To offer to do social activities, like talk and got to lunch. I cannot come to him. Because doing so will just continue the abusive cycle. And they refuse to listen.
And I have reached a point where I would rather be dead than even look at this person.
That is the only way I can put this that will not get me arrested.
Though, this man is overweight, overstressed. Which is his fault, we all told him to stop being a workaholic and relax. But, he refuses to do so. He is also middle-aged. My original plan is just to out wait him. I figure he will give himself a heartattack or stroke in a few years.
Given I have tried to stop this path and he refused my advice, this is all on him. And I will no longer have to do with him, one way or another. And any way this happens, I will have nothing to do with it.
I know that is cold. But, that is the kindest mindset I have been able to muster towards this person.
Any advice you have that could help me with be greatly welcome.
Maybe approach him nicely with plenty of people around, family that will see he is the problem. At least try to always have witnesses.
Hmmm, if it was me, I would dish it back to him tenfold exactly as he dishes it out. He is a bully and those who put up with him are giving him permission to misbehave.
I would not allow anyone to tell me to be nice to him so if you cannot avoid him, dish it back until he starts avoiding you.
Alternatively, use a taser.
ONCE UPON A TIME there was a man who never found a wife and he lived happily ever after. The End.
Anonymous42I’m with Keith, fire up the old s~~~ blower, adjust the shoot, let er rip!
It sounds like you’re dealing with an alcoholic or substance abuser. If that’s the case, all you can do is make yourself scarce from his existence limiting the endless abuse.
Don’t let anyone s~~~ on you, throw it back in their face!
I sir, am an asshole.
Give the person the opportunity to criticize/denigrate or pull what ever bulling technique he wants on you, in public (family present).
Then politely ask him “what the f~~~ is your major malfunction?”
He is a bully, most are cowards. If he comes at you boot one of his knees out (kick inside the leg). Perfectly acceptable self defense maneuver, especially if you use the correct phrase to the police.
Most likely he will sputter and bluster, then you just let him have it vocally with both barrels, and f~~~ him off for good.
As I said, I sir, am an asshole.
I don’t take bulls~~~, just f~~~ him off and enjoy your life, or don’t. That decision is yours to make.There was a time in my life when I gave a fuck. Now you have to pay ME for it
Maybe approach him nicely with plenty of people around, family that will see he is the problem. At least try to always have witnesses.
I tried that. The first sign of trouble, the rest of the family either washes their hands of the situation, or they blame me for the situation, with the justification that it takes two to dance.
Hmmm, if it was me, I would dish it back to him tenfold exactly as he dishes it out. He is a bully and those who put up with him are giving him permission to misbehave.
I tried that when I was very much younger. I caught ten times more hell from the rest of my family than he ever did.
Then politely ask him “what the f~~~ is your major malfunction?”
I tried that. He refuses to answer in usually the rudest ways possible.
He is a bully, most are cowards. If he comes at you boot one of his knees out (kick inside the leg). Perfectly acceptable self defense maneuver, especially if you use the correct phrase to the police.
I realize he is a coward and a bully. But, he is also just smart enough to usually keep it as emotional abuse or hurting me in a non-direct way. Physical violence will not work here.
Most likely he will sputter and bluster, then you just let him have it vocally with both barrels, and f~~~ him off for good.
As I said, I sir, am an asshole.He will scream, raise his voice over mine, and won’t let me speak. He has the emotional maturity of a child. Trying to reason with him will not work. I have tried that to no effect.
I don’t take bulls~~~, just f~~~ him off and enjoy your life, or don’t. That decision is yours to make.
That is what I have been doing. And it is clear that he and the rest of my family don’t know how to response when I just ignore the abusers and go about my life. This is clearly working great for me, but clearly not for them. And when one of them complains, usually the excuse of just keeping the peace gets them off my back for a few days. But, lately that excuse has not been working out so well.
Thanks for the advice guys. For what it is worth. I have tried a number of things. I didn’t get to this point by giving up. I reached this point because I ran out of other civil options. Ignoring him is the last civil option I have, and I am not going to allow myself to be trapped in a situation where someone is going to be physically hurt.
Faust
Sometimes keeping the peace means removing yourself from the situation, and staying out of it.
Take 2 steps backwards, turn in either direction, and walk away.
Taking care of you is the priority, no need to risk you, in a losing battle.
One cannot help others when one cannot help themselves.There was a time in my life when I gave a fuck. Now you have to pay ME for it
Move out and move on. Find a way.
ONCE UPON A TIME there was a man who never found a wife and he lived happily ever after. The End.
Sometimes keeping the peace means removing yourself from the situation, and staying out of it.
Take 2 steps backwards, turn in either direction, and walk away.
Taking care of you is the priority, no need to risk you, in a losing battle.
One cannot help others when one cannot help themselves.I understand what you are saying. And by ignoring people, it forces those people to do one of two things. Leave me alone. Or, tried to hurt me in a more overt manner that allows me to respond in a way that I am legally justified in doing.
Personally, I just want to live my life and be happy. But, I was born into a f~~~ed up situation where many of those around me have sought to hurt me for the sole sadistic joy of it.
I sometimes wonder if God created this particular asshole just to make my life miserable.
Move out and move on. Find a way.
I am working on it. I have spend decades working on it. But, it is like climbing a vertical flat wall of a mountain with one’s bare hands. I keep trying, but I keep getting no where. And in the meantime, I try to make the most out of my situation.
Faust, it’s a classic catch-22 with him. Maybe you’ll have to work on the others, or maybe you’ll just have to ignore the others the same way.
Nobody who understands your previous efforts and doesn’t just want to see more drama will encourage you to try interact.
Either way, you’re going to suffer stress from the situation. Choose the one that bugs you less and work on the people that aren’t ignorant monsters, or purposefully start cutting them loose too.
At some point you’ll be on your own, you can either be lonely or just finally and peacefully alone.
Remember the Robin Williams quote that’s been used around here before. “I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone.” If they ignore your concerns, they fall into the later group.
I failed to realize in my youth that I was the prize. I was going to work. I was going to earn. Little did I realize that due to feminism, that no longer meant I had to share. Road soon, Desert after.
This person is a man. Not a woman.
Toxicity does’t depend on sex. Especially to a MGTOW who sees through all kinds of bulls~~~. 90% of the “men” you will associate with are wandering around in some sort of “haze” and delusional coma. They can be even more dangerous to your mental health and well-being than women.
My blue-pill male friends are actually WORSE to hang around with – because they are male.
“White knights” are your true enemy.And for over thirty years, for the sake of my family, I have tried to “get along” with this person. And when I finally decide to give up and walk away, my family wants me to try to “get along” with him.
That’s bulls~~~. To PRETEND to get along with someone “for the sake of appearances” is stupid…. it also turns you into a two-faced hypocrite to appease other people. NO. “I don’t like you, so stay the f~~~ out of my face” is perfectly acceptable.
Tell your family “No. We don’t get along. Accept it. It’s perfectly fine. You don’t choose your family. Therefore, you are not required (or expected) to like all of them.”.
If you keep doing what you've always done... you're gonna keep getting what you always got.This is a tough one…really tough…there might be a way out, there’s a slim chance here…
There is one last thing you can try with this pinhead. It is a strategy to drive him out of his childish mind and make him look like a fool to everybody else…
What you do is this: you endeavor to maneuver your interactions with this idiot so that any contact you have with him he has to initiate.
In other words, you never approach him for anything, you only let him approach you.
Then, when he says something – absolutely anything really – you say “So what are you saying?”. Then, when he answers, no matter what he answers, you say “So, what do you mean?” Then when he gets worked up more and says anything else, no matter what he says you say “So, what are you saying?”. Then when he explodes and says something else you once again say “So, what do you mean”…and so on and so on round and round until he gets it through his peabrain that you will not take him seriously about anything anymore – you have cut him off from the human race and any communication with you.
For instance, if he comes to you and says “get in the car, your Mom wants us to go to the supermarket and get food”, you say “so what are you saying?”. Then if he yells, “you stupid t~~~, get in the car!” you say “so what do you mean?”, and so on and so on until he gives up and goes away.
If you do this correctly and often enough this pinhead will eventually begin to question his own sanity – no matter who he is. If he is functioning idiot with an IQ of 75 that is barely “trainable” for simple repetitive tasks your repetition of these phrases will eventually sink into his micro mind, and if he is a rocket scientist with a 160 IQ your repetition will eventually make him doubt that he is communicating effectively with anyone anymore.
As for other people seeing this behavior on your part, you simply tell them that you don’t understand what he is saying, or meaning. If you do this enough eventually everybody he has contact with will begin to doubt the pinheads sanity – not yours – and eventually everybody will sub-consciously fall on your side of the fence behind you, because in reality they don’t like him either.
Eventually, the pinhead will be ostracized as “misunderstood” by pretty much everybody, and the pinhead will really doubt his own sanity.
You have to be ruthless with this course of action however. Never deviate from these two phrases, no matter how much you want to. And never ever explain anything to the pinhead.
Stick to these two phrases and only one of two things can happen: he will start to go out of his way to avoid you, or he will become desperate to make himself “understood” by you. Either way you win. If he takes the first course you’re much better off – you don’t have to deal with him anymore, and if takes the second course of action you simply keep saying “so what are you saying” until he gives up and goes away.
Either way it will drive him nuts.
This actually works, we did it in The Navy with some really dangerously stupid pinheads – the kind of people who can get you killed if they’re not on the ball and playing for the same Team all the time.
In fact, one pinhead got so desperate to be understood that he actually had a nervous breakdown, and he got mustered out of The Navy on a Section 8 “mental” discharge.
The day he was mustered out we had a terrific party at the Officers Club!
Hope this helps!
RIARGS
PS: In the good old days when we had an individual like this that everybody in our group had to deal with we would all get together, plan a convenient time, and beat this individual to a pulp. We wouldn’t break bones or anything like that, we simply knew how to leave him with bruises over every square inch of his body. That would always straighten him out real quick. Times have changed, mores the pity. Different times, different wars, etc…
"In my many years I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two are a law firm and three or more is a Government..." - John Adams
I cut most of my family off..they’re like radioactivity, limited exposure is best. .if at all. It sucked to have to do it, but emotional vampires drain the life out of a soul pretty quickly. Never forget your first priority is to save yourself!
Toxicity does’t depend on sex. Especially to a MGTOW who sees through all kinds of bulls~~~. 90% of the “men” you will associate with are wandering around in some sort of “haze” and delusional coma. They can be even more dangerous to your mental health and well-being than women.
You are preaching to the choir. I consider a number of the men worse than most of the women I deal with. And these are women I am not interested in.
That’s bulls~~~. To PRETEND to get along with someone “for the sake of appearances” is stupid…. it also turns you into a two-faced hypocrite to appease other people. NO. “I don’t like you, so stay the f~~~ out of my face” is perfectly acceptable.
There has been times in my life where I was forced to live and work closely to this asshole, and I tried to be nice just to get through the day without violence.
Tell your family “No. We don’t get along. Accept it. It’s perfectly fine. You don’t choose your family. Therefore, you are not required (or expected) to like all of them.”.
Besides imparting on them to inform the asshole that he has to change. That is what I told them. I am just leaving the asshole alone.
There is one last thing you can try with this pinhead. It is a strategy to drive him out of his childish mind and make him look like a fool to everybody else…
What you do is this: you endeavor to maneuver your interactions with this idiot so that any contact you have with him he has to initiate.
In other words, you never approach him for anything, you only let him approach you.
This is exactly what I am trying to do.
I cut most of my family off..they’re like radioactivity, limited exposure is best. .if at all. It sucked to have to do it, but emotional vampires drain the life out of a soul pretty quickly. Never forget your first priority is to save yourself!
If it wasn’t for my father, whom has been kind to me. I would likely take my chances and do this. When I am not getting s~~~, he does. And he and I are on the same page about a lot of things. He and I have a conversation once about the subject of dealing with asshole. He response to me I could have said word for word. He has been a good man to me, and only when he is gone, I will cut ties. Unless I am forced to do so sooner.
Guys, you have been offering great advice. And this is not an issue of lack of options you have given me. But, that I have tried these options. And I am sure that these options have worked in the past for others. They sound really good. Though, these options clearly do not work with someone whom is this much of an asshole.
Let other people know how you feel, let them witness for themselves how he treats you, and call them out on his bulls~~~. You don’t have to “get along” with him if he isn’t trying to “get along” with you. It won’t work unless there is give and take. Extend the olive branch a few times, and make sure family is there to see it. When he starts flapping his gums, he will show everyone how bad he his. Then you can say
“I’ve tried to get along with him, bury the hatchet, make peace X number of times and no luck. I’ve done all I can, but he’s just an asshole.”
And you’ll be right. So when your family keeps asking you to “get along” with him, tell them to go talk to this asshole. You can get along just fine, he’s the one who should be trying to get along with you. They might try to turn it around on you, don’t let them.
Get out ASAP. Also, this is coming from a guy who doesn’t talk to a large chunk of his family, so take that for what it’s worth. If they’re bad to me, or a negative influence in my life I get rid of them. Family or not.
Remember the old saying blood is thicker than water? It’s an old corruption of the following term.
“The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.”
It means exactly the opposite of the shortened version we use today. It means that essentially the family you pick, the people you love, your friends are more important than the people who you didn’t have a choice with. Your family is there, that means nothing. I have at least 3 “families” of friends, football dads, ect that raised me because my real family is a bunch of f~~~ ups. Hope it all works out man.
Feminism is a movement where opinions are presented as facts and emotions are presented as evidence.
Alternatively, you could just be a massive asshole right back to him. Who knows, maybe that’s the only thing he understands, that you won’t be walked all over. Make jabs at him, poke fun, make snarky remarks, try to p~~~ him off. This has worked for me in the past with some dudes. For whatever reason, that’s all they respond to.
Feminism is a movement where opinions are presented as facts and emotions are presented as evidence.
Let other people know how you feel, let them witness for themselves how he treats you, and call them out on his bulls~~~.
That is the thing. Everyone knows he is an asshole. Others have told me as such. He treats everyone badly. I just have known him the longest and he has treated me the worst.
I figure he is going to destroy himself, one way, or another, I just do not want to be around him when he does so.
He must be your father. Bummer.
You pick your friends, you are shackled to your relatives.
ONCE UPON A TIME there was a man who never found a wife and he lived happily ever after. The End.
He must be your father. Bummer.
Oh no. The asshole is a different relative. My father is the only real reason I still have any connections to my family. I would cut loose from them by now if he was not alive.
My father is a good man. And while he is not mentally a broken man. He is an old man. And time has worn his body down. And I enjoy talking to him.
“Family peace” is not solely your responsibility. Why should it be? Keep avoiding the guy and treat him how he treats you when he is unavoidable.
I bathe in the tears of single moms.
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