Humor From Unfiltered News

[Joe_b_wanParticipant 15]

It’s bed time. I’ll post later.

[Joe_b_wanParticipant 15]

G. Edward Griffin’s Unfiltered News comes out every Friday evening/Saturday morning. He’s the author of THE CREATURE FROM JEKYLL ISLAND; A SECOND LOOK AT THE FEDERAL RESERVE. Back issues of Unfiltered News can be seen here http://www.realityzone.com/news.html

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question…

WIFE: “What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?”

HUSBAND: “Definitely not!”

WIFE: “Why not? Don’t you like being married?”

HUSBAND: “Of course I do.”

WIFE: “Then why wouldn’t you remarry?”

HUSBAND: “Okay, okay, I’d get married again.”

WIFE: “Would you live in our house?”

HUSBAND: “Sure, it’s a great house.”

WIFE: “Would you sleep with her in our bed?”

HUSBAND: “Where else would we sleep?”

WIFE: “Would you let her drive my car?”

HUSBAND: “Probably, it is almost new.”

WIFE: “Would you replace my pictures with hers?”

HUSBAND: “That would seem like the proper thing to do.”

WIFE: “Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: “Yes, those are always good times.”

WIFE: “Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: “No, she’s left-handed.”

WIFE: — silence —

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ODE TO THE SPELL CHECKER
Eye halve a spelling chequer:
It came with my pea sea.
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid,
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite.
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it.
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

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From British classified ads:

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

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Paraprosdokians – Definition:A rhetorical term for an unexpected shift in meaning at the end of a sentence, stanza, series, or short passage. Paraprosdokian is often used for comic effect.

1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

9. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

10. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.

11. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and say that whatever you hit was the target.

12. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

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Health Tips from 101 year-old:

Interview with 101 year-old Hattie Mae MacDonald of Feague, Kentucky:

Reporter: Can you give us some health tips for reaching the age of 101?

Hattie: For better digestion I drink beer. In the case of appetite loss I drink white wine. For low blood pressure I drink red wine. In the case of high blood pressure I drink scotch. And when I have a cold I drink schnapps.

Reporter: When do you drink water?

Hattie: I’ve never been that sick.

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A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, ‘Homer, pack your bags. I won the lottery!’

The husband said, ‘Fantastic! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?’

‘Doesn’t matter,’ she said. ‘Just get out.’

*****************************************

[Joe_b_wanParticipant 15]

A magician was working on a cruise ship. Since the audience was different each week, he performed the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, “Look, it’s not the same hat!” or, “Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table!”
or “Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?” The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything about it. After all, it was the captain’s parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it, with the parrot. They stared at each other with contempt, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day… and then two days… and then three days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot couldn’t hold back any longer and said…

“OK, I give up. Where’s the ship?”

*****************************************

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband with a fly swatter. “Killing any?” she asked.

“Yep, three males, two females,” he replied.

“How can you tell males and females apart?” she asked.

He responded: “Three were on a beer can. Two were on the phone.”

*****************************************

John, who lived in the North of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Ken. They loaded up John’s minivan and headed North. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered at the door if they
could spend the night.

“I realize, it’s terrible weather out there, and I have this huge house all to myself, but I am recently widowed”
she explained “and I am afraid the neighbors will talk
if I let you stay in my house.”

“Don’t worry,” John said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn and, if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.”

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf.

About nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it
out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow from the farm he had met on the golf weekend.

He dropped in on his friend, Ken, and asked: “Ken, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about nine
months ago?”

“Yes, I do,” said Ken.

“Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit without me knowing it?”

“Well, yes,” said Ken, a little embarrassed at being found out. “I have to admit that I did.”

“And did you happen to give her my name instead of yours?”

Ken’s face turned red, and he said: “Yeah. Look, I
am sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?”

“She just died and left me everything!”

*****************************************

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around, and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton pulled down his pants and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and saw his wife staring at him from across the room. She said, ‘You were drunk again last night.’

Patton said, ‘Why do you say such a mean thing?’

‘Well,’ she said, ‘it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ……. it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.’

*****************************************

English from around the world:

C~~~tail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctor’s office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER

In a Cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel’s rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

A Laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

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Creation Explained – the unexpurgated version:
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow, and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God’s great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, “You want chocolate with that?” And Man said “Yes!” and Woman said, “as long as you’re at it, add some sprinkles.” And they gained ten pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, “Try my fresh green salad.” And Satan presented Thousand-Island dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, “I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them.” And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight, and his cholesterol went through the roof. God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it Angel Food Cake, and said. “It is good.” Satan then created chocolate cake and named it Devil’s Food.

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote so Man would not have to toil changing channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

The God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his apetite. And Satan created McDonald’s and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, “You want fries with that?” And Man replied, “Yes! And super size them!” And Satan said, “It is good.” And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created the Obama Health Care System.

[Joe_b_wanParticipant 15]

When everyone on earth died and waited in line to enter Heaven, God appeared and said, “I want the men to make two lines: One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter.”

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said to the long line, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the head of your household and your family! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. How disgraceful!”

God turned to the one man, “How did you manage to be the only one in this line?”

The man replied, “This is where my wife told me to stand.”

Plus two great photos…

These are Lenticular clouds over Mt. Fuji.

This is the Glass-Wing Butterfly. Nature is amazing.

Cheers and have a GREAT weekend!

[RoyDalParticipant]

This is comedy gold! I like the pictures too. Keep the jokes and pix coming!

Society asks MGTOWs: Why are you not making more tax-slaves?

[Joe_b_wanParticipant 15]

Welcome to Louisiana

A husband went to the police station to file a “missing person” report for his missing wife.

Husband: I lost my wife, she went shopping and hasn’t come back yet.

Inspector: What is her height?
Husband: I never checked.

Inspector: Slim or hefty?
Husband: Not slim.

Inspector: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.

Inspector: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes according to season.

Inspector: What was she wearing?
Husband: Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.

Inspector: Was she driving?
Husband: Yes.

Inspector: What was the number, name, and color of the car ?
Husband: Black Jaguar with supercharged 3.5 liter V12 engine generating 333 horse power
teamed with an eight-speed Tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode, it has
full LED headlights, which use light-emitting diodes for all light functions, and it
has a thin scratch on the front left door.

Inspector: Don’t worry sir, we will find your car.

Blood Moon over Alaska

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade, listing every problem
they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved
and unlovable, a long laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up,
walked around the desk and, after asking the woman to stand, he embraced and kissed
her long and passionately, as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow. The woman
became silent and sat down in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least
three times a week. Can you do this?”

“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.”

It looks like a parrot but, look closely. Amazingly, it’s a painted woman!

DAILY MOMENTS OF ZEN

“Lexophile” is a word used to describe those who enjoy a play on words,
such as “you can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish”, or “to write with a broken pencil
is pointless.” Here are some of the best lines for lexophiles.

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

Batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you’ve seen one shopping Center you’ve seen a mall.

Police were called to a day-care center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she’d dye.

Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.

Who says man cannot fly? (My first attempt posting a video.)

DAILY MOMENTS OF ZEN

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

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Oh, those truck painters!

Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

His mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it is gone.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom.

It used to be only death and taxes, Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

My next house will have no kitchen – just vending machines and a large trash can.

Definition of a teenager? God’s punishment, for enjoying sex.

Thought for the day: Be who you are and say what you feel because those that matter, don’t mind; and those that mind, don’t matter!

And As You Slide Down that Banister of Life You Should Pray That All The Splinters Are Pointed The Other Way.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

Living on the edge.

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was,
‘Name seven advantages of Mother’s Milk.’ The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in
particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it’s high enough off the ground where the cat can’t get it.

He got an A.

Camping at Yosemite!

Explosive photos of seven epic lightning strikes. You’ll have to go here to see them:

http://www.snowaddiction.org/2013/12/7-epic-displays-of-lightning.html?m=1

[Joe_b_wanParticipant 15]

In this Friday’s (2/13/15) Unfiltered News, an apology was given for the first photo I posted in this thread.

Someone used Photoshop to make a single lenticular cloud (probably the one at the bottom, near the peak) into five clouds.

A fake and a hoax.

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