How to be less of a pussy in heated situations

[6shinystonesParticipant 51]

For my job, I’m not a cop, but I deal with similar stresses. Let’s just say that most days I have to break very bad news to people. I am a messenger. Some people take it well, others get very angry, at me. Sometimes I can handle it calmly. Other times I become very intimidated, start to shake, have an obvious quiver in my voice, etc. I am not that big or tough of a guy. My deescalation techniques usually work, but sometimes they don’t. For the times they don’t are the times I need help. I’ve never been intimidated into backing down on my responsibilities, but I have been intimidated to the point where it is visible/audible to third parties. It’s embarrassing, I’ll admit.

How can I toughen up, or maintain my composure in these confrontational situations? I work out and eat well. I’m in the best shape I’ll ever be. Someone I know in RL said I should take martial arts or some similar self-defense class. Maybe this will help, but I feel like this is more of a public speaking scare (which I am fairly good at, by the way). And I’m not sure how much knowing how to fight will help. I have never been in a physical confrontation on this job and hope never to be. It’s all talk, albeit scary talk.

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Thank you.

[Duke TogoParticipant 2664]

You will evolve over time to better handle such situations. Just accept your current abilities and keep exposing yourself to those situations so you can getting better at handling them. Quick fixes are garbage and don’t work. You need to be patient and accept you will make mistakes.

And yes, start a martial art, preferably a grappling art with live training and grind your way through training. This will develop you in ways you cannot imagine at the start.

[SpiderHerderParticipant 3787]

I have to agree with martial art training. Knowing that you can divert a physical threat easily (if it ever gets to that point) will give you more confidence and lessen the stress in any other situation.

As for the rest, I think it will get better with time. But quick question regarding this: have you been doing this for long or is it fairly recent ? Have you already noticed improvements since you started doing it ?

[AwakenedParticipant 35203]

SpiderHerder wrote:

I think it will get better with time.

“Thick Skin” takes TIME to Grow.

Like MOST Things, The MORE that YOU do them, the easier they become.

In a World of Justin Beibers Be a Johnny Cash

[MonkParticipant 17038]

To some extent the answer depends on the type of bad news, and the sort of people to whom you are delivering it. Generally, I’ve always found a ‘not my problem’ approach to be best.

You don’t have to be stiff and cold, but at the end of the day, it’s THEIR bad news, not yours.

[6shinystonesParticipant 51]

Hi all, thanks for the replys.

Duke Togo wrote:

You will evolve over time to better handle such situations. Just accept your current abilities and keep exposing yourself to those situations so you can getting better at handling them. Quick fixes are garbage and don’t work. You need to be patient and accept you will make mistakes.
And yes, start a martial art, preferably a grappling art with live training and grind your way through training. This will develop you in ways you cannot imagine at the start.

Looks like I’m going to have to research a martial art some more. That is what many people seem to be recommending.

SpiderHerder wrote:

I have to agree with martial art training. Knowing that you can divert a physical threat easily (if it ever gets to that point) will give you more confidence and lessen the stress in any other situation.
As for the rest, I think it will get better with time. But quick question regarding this: have you been doing this for long or is it fairly recent ? Have you already noticed improvements since you started doing it ?

I am fairly new at this, less than a year in, and my confidence has definitely increased and I am a much braver person than I was a year ago. I have improved to some degree in the stressful/confrontational parts, but not as much as I feel I should have. Which is why I sought guidance.

Awakened wrote:

SpiderHerder wrote:

I think it will get better with time.

“Thick Skin” takes TIME to Grow.
Like MOST Things, The MORE that YOU do them, the easier they become.

I do wish there was a way to practice this task, to get better at it. But the only practice you get is actually doing it.

Monk wrote:

To some extent the answer depends on the type of bad news, and the sort of people to whom you are delivering it. Generally, I’ve always found a ‘not my problem’ approach to be best.
You don’t have to be stiff and cold, but at the end of the day, it’s THEIR bad news, not yours.

People, in the emotional/irrational state my words put them in, take out their emotions on the source, which is me. It is their bad news, and I do not lose sleep over the things that happen… But I wish I was just better in some of those moments. I always get over it later, but I’m striving for improvement in those heated times.

Again, thank you all for your advice and wisdom.

[black_knightParticipant 2602]

If, like you, I’d never come to physical harm, I’d be reflecting on that. I’d internalise that fact and let if work for itself. What I mean is, I’d let that drive my confidence in practically knowing I’m not going to come to any harm. This confidence in turn would therefore become visibly present, leading to even less possibility of being attacked. Think about it, if somebody showed supreme confidence whilst you’re getting angry with them, are you going to attack them? No. In conjunction with de-escalation skills, I believe this would really work. This is what I’d be trying.

Another way would be to accept that one day you may well be attacked, and genuinely resign yourself to it. A bit like coming to terms with the fact that one day you’re going to die. That’s certainly one way to reduce fear. Acceptance of the inevitable I suppose. I kinda believe in the universe helping you out here. All the times in my life I’ve genuinely resigned myself to a potential inevitability, that inevitability never occurred because I’d completely changed my energy towards it. But that’s my personal belief that you can kinda influence fate by your genuine fearless and accepting energy towards it. Self fulfilling prophecies and all that.

[Talisman62Participant 18]

Check this book out.
https://www.audible.ca/pd/Verbal-Judo-Updated-Edition-Audiobook/B072P61CBH?qid=1541423177&sr=sr_1_1&ref=a_search_c3_lProduct_1_1&pf_rd_p=65c74350-6dfb-47fa-85fd-1459a4762abd&pf_rd_r=FGZ4900SQ9BHP92VBP28&

I made the discovery myself about a year ago after seeing it discussed on another manosphere forum.

The skills in there recently helped me de-escalate someone with a serrated knife and a suicidal person.

Definitely keep up with the healthy eating and the gym! I would second other posters and say that physical martial arts train you well also.
I would also add a practice of meditation into your routine as well.

Good luck.

[Sky-OParticipant 18949]

Facing FEAR

F – False
E – Evidence
A – Appearing
R – Real

You need to find something outside of your work environment (first) that causes you to feel anxious and induces similiar physiological responses that you described above.

Face it – own it – f~~~ it (hard) and conquer it.

Then, begin approaching your work situations with the firm, objective understanding that you conquered and overcame something greater already.

Without going into all of the details – After I learned how to skydive and became good at it, nothing from that point on caused me anxiety in any aspect of my life.

Because nothing could possibly be more stress (or fear) inducing than getting out of a plane at 12,000 feet. Nothing.

Find something to conquer that is greater than what currently causes you anxiety in your work environment. Confront it – merge with it – don’t let it break you.

Then walk away like a boss.

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