How I came to understand my Father

[YuriParticipant 185]

Dad? I know it is too late at this point, way too late infact, but i still wish to say: I am so sorry, i understand now. I understand completely and i wish i could have helped you while there was the little time. But for what it is worth, you might just have taught me the best lesson a father can give to son, one that will probably save me a lifetime of the pain you had to go trough.

Hello my fellow men, brothers, friends. I want to share with you today my tale, the tale of a young man which thanks to MGTOW came to understand and forgive his father. For it was one of the most difficult questions and endless thoughts that was on my mind from the painfull day of January 24th, 2008.

At that day, my father did not call for a week and nobody saw him for 3 days. My mother, while estranged from him, grew worried and decided to go down to the little hut he was living in after being expelled from the household to see what was going on. That was around the early evening. Just about 25 minutes later, i got the call that changed the path of my life for the next 8 years.

„Yuri….your father is dead.“

I froze, chocked, and felt…numb. I wanted to cry, i wanted to yell, but i couldn’t. As i found out later, i was in severe shock. My mother came home, my older sister with her husband came in. We hugged my mom, listened to what she wanted to say and went to sleep a bit later. Still, i felt numb to it all.

(It was only years later i found out that my father died after cheap homemade alcohol that ruptured his throat, causing him to die in severe pain.)

This feeling continued all the way to his cremation that took place 3 days later. It was only during that moment when i saw his casket descent into the fire that it all came to me. I realized that i will never see him again. He was gone. Completely. I cried during and after, but the real despair came only after we came home.

As my mom fell asleep, I went outside to the garden. The night was cold and silent. And it was at that moment that i let go. I cried like never before. I howled my pain and despair and unleashed it upon this before tranquil night. I cried until my eyes burned and my throat could no longer scream. I literally cried myself to sleep. Only it wasn’t sleep for I awoke every few minutes, the thoughts racing trough my mind.

I rose on the second day, and from that day on, the questions never stopped for me. The questions of Why? When? How? The questions that nobody else asked. To me it just didn’t add up. How could this have happened? How could it have happened to my father?

Because my father was not always or ever the sort of man that would cause his own death trough alcoholism. No, he was a different man many years ago. A man so perfect it buggered belief how he got to be that completely different person. He was tall and muscular, with typical Slavic features of chiseled jawline and razor sharp cheekbones, with long curly hair on his side and eyes that burned with passion. He was not only a great athlete, representing our country on international events but an A+ class millitary man among with being sharply smart, earning a PhD. along with several state level awards for his doctorate work. He was always technically proficient and never afraid of new technology. This man never looked back for better times, but only looked forwards into the future.

And yet somehow along the line, something happened. He got unhealthy and fat. He lost his chiseled good looks. He stopped doing any sort of sport. He took up alcohol and smoking, giving up all of his dreams. The once virtuous man with a burning desire to take it to the man lost the shine from his eyes. For a long time i was puzzled and lost for no explanation to me made sense.
From people saying „It just happens.“ to women in typical fashion going „He was a man what did you expect?“ to my favorite „It was his friends that did it.“

Over the years however, i became smarter and sharper. I learned to question and evaluate. I had my own awakening, and as it all progressed, with me uncovering new information and viewpoints, it came together.

My dad never truly wanted to settle down. While he didn’t mind having someone by his side, what he truly wanted was to change everything. He wanted to cause a revolution no matter the cost. He wanted to make the world a better place for everyone. To write, travel and learn eternally. In a heated scenario where a single thrown molotov can spill over into a revolution, he would be the man to throw that molotov.

However, everyone else had different plans. People were expected to marry with a kid on the way by age 21, settle and have the man provide for the woman, to be the „good man“ that takes care of everything and never complains. A good little drone in the cogwheel of socialism, an utillity to the state. All of this one could say at the time was a reasonable deal as the women were expected to keep up their part of their deal.

But as i found out, that got kicked into the head very quickly.

My father caved in and married my mother, and things took a turn for the worse very rapidly. Suddenly my father was never good enough. He either never made enough money, never cared enough for my mothers emotional needs, never cared enough for the children. Suddenly his athletic nature became a problem and his dreams of grandure pure poison to the ears of in-laws. All of a sudden he was a loser in the eyes of people, just for the fact that he expected sex more than once every 3 months and maybe some time alone to spend on his thoughts and interest. Everything negative that happened was his fault alone.

He started falling down an abyss that eventually consumed him. Sometimes i still think i helped push him there, but i have learned to simply accept the fact that i was but a child and didn’t know any better.

So my father is gone and has been for years now. Would have my life been easier with him? I can’t know for sure. All I know for sure is the following.

As he died, the only male figure i could look up to and learn from died with him. Suddenly i was sorrounded by females of all kinds and i got to see them, their nature and thinking and flawed reasoning in massive detail. Financial mismanagment caused my life to become even more difficult than before and had to go trough rough times trough which i had to help dig myself and my family out. What i know is that trough my father i saw the downfall of the family unit, the split of the sexes, the way society and the pressure it exerts can destroy any man there is.

What i know is that my father gave his life so that i wouldn’t make the same mistakes.
And father, i promise you, when the time comes to step up and throw that molotov, i will do it. I will ignite the fire.

I will finish what you started.

The right man at the wrong place can make all the difference in the world.

[Anonymous 54]

Im.sorry for your loss. Im sure he is very proud of you, None of this is your fault. You are a good Man.

[Anonymous 5]

Yes, you were just a kid while this happened.
He did what good men think they have to do and he put aside his own dreams for the sake of those he cared for.
Like most men, he sacrificed himself for what he thought was the greater good. He did “The right thing”

Most of us have done the same to some degree and paid accordingly.

Unfortunately Briffault’s law applies and it’s an unending task with zero genuine appreciation,,,,, just demands for more, and more, and more.

He sounded like a terrific bloke and I bet him and my dad would have gotten on terrific.

[survivorParticipant 610]

You are right indeed! My father was trapped in his marriage to my mother (his second marriage) and I now realize my father wanted sex badly and my mother never gave it. We had a nice house growing up but the walls weren’t that thick and I did hear love through the walls. What he wanted was intimacy and my mother, while she acted like a saint towards us kids, was vile towards him. She expected him to just pay the bills, grow the vegetables in our small garder and orchard, cut the grass, kill the snakes, cut the wood and be a robot. But men aren’t robots and need lots of TLC. When he didn’t get it, he responded with depression and alcoholism. For years while I was growing up his alcoholism was on-again and off-again. Two-times or more I think he went to rehab. I spent part of my childhood growing up in AA meetings all around our community. Eventually my mother decided to never show him the love he needed, I see now, and fell into total depression and alcoholism dark and deep that lasted for years; my father was a RN who was initially trained as a combat nurse at the very tail-end of WWII in the 40’s but later switched to become one of the rare male RNs in civilian life. In fact, the war was over he told me before he saw any fighting. He spent several years in Okinawa after the war was over since he was already enlisted and when the enlistment was up went to nursing school back home in the US. I think it was in the military when he learned to drink. He got married the first time, had two kids, one of whom I later met in life; that relationship went bad and then he turned to drinking. He left her and married my mother later on. Same pattern. I remember my dad trashing our brand new house that they paid and worked so hard for when they had it built in the 80’s in various drunken rages. Now the shoe is on the other foot, mine. Unlike my dad I did learn the lesson to stay away from alcohol; I’ve never touched a drop in my life. But I wish I could say the same for a loveless marriage. In the past I was very critical inwardly of my father, but not so much now. While he was right in his feelings and right to be angry at my mother, his response was way off. Ultimately he allowed himself to simply die from alcohol-related poisoning and liver complications and he died in his sleep while I was away at college. He opted for that instead of the pull-the-trigger option. What’s the common denominator between my dad and me, and really all of us here? Women and their true nature. Forgive my sloppy writing style. Bringing all these feelings back from years ago and writing intelligently about them is difficult.

"Shot through the heart, and you're to blame, You give love a bad name, I play my part and you play your game, You give love a bad name."--Bon Jovi

[WallstreetParticipant 63]

Same story here. My Mon and dad met in college. He was 20, she was 17. Supposedly she was incredibly intelligent and graduated college early. She landed her provider, locked him down with 3 kids, then got fat and smoked 3 packs a day. She never allowed our dad to discipline us or put boundaries on us because she was afraid that doing so would rub her of our love, to this day I think women are incapable of unconditional love of even their kids. When being a mom got to rough, she would lock us in the closet and go for a drive. Dad started drinking because he knew he had got his ass trapped…

Flash forward 20 years, mom has had her 2nd stroke. The first stroke didn’t teach her to stop smoking or overheating. Stroke happened while dad didn’t have med insurance on her, so as youngest at 26 I quit my job and took care of her. My mother would not comply with our needs, it was all about her, waking my dad up for a cigarette, asking for a cigarette every 5 minutes. My mother, like most women, was incapable of caring for anyone other than herself.

4 years of taking care of her, and at the end of it my dad has his first and last heart-attack. I buried him. I tell the story to other women, not even a single pity f~~~…

All women are trash…

[YuriParticipant 185]

Thank you for the kind responses everyone.

I tell the story to other women, not even a single pity f~~~…

This, exactly this. After it happened i did not go to school for a few days, naturally. As such a female classmate hit me up on a chatting program to ask me why. When i told her that my father died her only response was “Oh well.” In Slovak, it is one of the most dissmisive phrases you can use.

Even the years after i lost him, when people asked me “And what about your father?”, it was pretty much always the women that had the least empathy. Be it for his story or just the fact that the man in front of him has lost his father.

Unlike my dad I did learn the lesson to stay away from alcohol; I’ve never touched a drop in my life.

This. The truth is i was never truly drunk in my life. The most anyone ever gets me is “tipsy” and thats when i cut myself off. I scoff at the bar and clubbing scene as i do smoking. Some call me a “pussy”. I start singing myself a little song about the Grim Reaper everytime that happens.

Bringing all these feelings back from years ago and writing intelligently about them is difficult.

I understand fully as I am sure does everyone else here. Actually had to stop a few times while writing my own post because i was getting overwhelmed with emotions.

The right man at the wrong place can make all the difference in the world.

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