Here's a little Story.. If you have advice, lend your wisdom

[HugoParticipant 2]

I stumbled upon this site yesterday unknowingly while reading an article that caught my attention on Facebook.  I’ve been reading a lot from here over the last 24 hrs and agree with just about every word of it wholeheartedly.  I have an experience I’d like to share and to see if anyone can give me some reasonable advice as I have not been able to figure out what I’m supposed to do. I had an experience with a woman about 6 years ago who displayed the typical “princess” attitude that has been so widely hated by men everywhere. We worked together and I was just getting out of a 3 years relationship in which I had been cheated on several times by a woman that I put my trust in.. imagine that.

I knew from the beginning that it was nothing more than a rebound, she wasn’t my “type” in that she was very materialistic, would always brag about her past of coming from a rich part of the country and how her high school was one of the richest public schools in the nation, how everyone drove BMWs and mercedes at 17 years, yada yada, yada.. all of this talk while we both worked as a server at a restaurant. I was in my 2nd year of college.. she was not and had no college education. I didn’t know this at the time, but her parents are not super rich. They live in a modest neighborhood, drive modest cars, and not to stoop to her level of materialism, but her parents house could fit in my parents garage. My parents do very well, but I’ve NEVER been open about it, I was always actually a little embarrassed when friends would come over and be like “dude your parents house is humongous.”  

My point being, why is she so pretentious then? She was always very good at one-upping every story I had or fun event I shared. – Ex: I took her out for valentine’s day and somehow we got to talking about vacations and whatnot. I said my favorite was one with my family to jamaica. She said hers was a trip to All-Star week in Miami when she went down with a girlfriend, ended meeting a random rich guy, missed her flight back, and proceeded to stay in Miami with said guy on a sexual romp for over a month despite her family pleading and begging for her to come home “and back to reality.” she said her dad almost had to fly down there to come get her. – Nobody could prove it, but everyone knew there’s no way she could be telling the full truth about a lot of stuff, that she would lie about things to make herself look better than others. Her friends and our coworkers would comment and say things like “wow she thinks she’s hot s~~~” and it was clear that she just thought the world of herself. One the first times we hung out, we went to a concert with a group of friends from work.

One of the girls in the group was asked why she wasn’t drinking and she said she didn’t have much money to drink, but just wanted to be there to enjoy the show. So my girl, says “watch this” and leaves me, goes up to a random guy and starts flirting with him, gets him to buy her 2 drinks, and walks away and gives one of the drinks to the girl who didn’t have enough $. She said, “You gotta learn how to get what you want.”  I knew right there she was a piece of s~~~, but I was using her to get what I wanted, puss.

So anyway, in month 3 it was thought that we were exclusive when she all of a sudden says that a guy friend of hers from back home wants her to go to vegas with him and a group of friends “as a friend.” She said that he was old friend a million times I’m sure as a way to justify it.  She bragged about how he’s paying for her flight to get there, paying for their trip, etc so she doesn’t have to pay for anything. when she gets back she talks about how she’s got him wrapped around her finger, that she’s just using him to get free stuff and that she would never even dream of sleeping with him. She mentions the nice dinners they all went too, money he gave her for shopping, gambling, etc even has the guts to tell me she talked him into buying her fake t~~~. At that point, i was done.. I wasn’t going to be made a fool out of again.

Seriously, she expected me to believe he did all this for her and she didn’t sleep with him or have any physical contact with the guy??? I even saw a pic of them at dinner in vegas and he had his hand down the side of her shirt. So I ended it, it was good timing too because there was girl I started seeing at that time who was wholesome and a real down to earth girl that I had a lot more in common with. HERE COMES THE BOMB: We didn’t talk for about 3 weeks and one day I get a text from her that says exactly “We might have a problem.”  Followed right after by a pic of a f~~~ing positive pregnancy test. Of course I s~~~ myself. WTF how could this happen.. I’m not even sure it’s me.. she literally just got back from Vegas with a dude that would do anything to hook up with her.. even buying her fake t~~~.

So of course I didn’t have the most positive reaction. her sister was pregnant and all I could think of was that she either did it on purpose so her sister wouldn’t get all the attention, or that there’s a good chance it was the other guy who took her to Vegas. I asked her if it was either one of those and from that moment on, I’ve been the bad guy. I wouldn’t commit to her and force a relationship and hold her hand through it because I genuinely didn’t know if the child was mine.. however I did do the things I felt I was supposed to in that situation, go to the doctor appts, etc. At one appt, the doctor pinned down the conception date to within 2 weeks – 4 days of those 2 weeks was spend in Vegas.- The moment I questioned, i was the bad guy, the enemy. She hated me and let everyone know it.

Told everyone we worked with and friends that she would take me for everything i had, I’ll never see my child, etc. I was a broke college kid playing in a band at the time, I had no money. She said she would sue my parents…. I mean seriously? she didn’t do anything to make me want to change my mind about not being with her and working through it. To sum it all up, the baby was born, did a paternity test and the baby is in fact mine. She’s 5 years old now and the love of my life. But my life kinda sucks right now. She up and moved right after the baby was born and lied to me saying she was just going home for a week for thanksgiving. Never came back. We went to court and we have joint custody with her being primary, she was court ordered to add my name to the birth certificate.. because she went behind my back and did it without me and left XXXXXX in the father’s space.  So at that point, in order for me to see my child I had to drive 8 hours.

I’m a good guy, I believe in doing the right thing and accepting responsibility for my actions, and I honestly don’t want my child growing up with an absentee dad. So I did what I thought was right and moved to her part of the country after I finished school to be a factor in my daughters life. While I was still in school, I would drive 8 hrs to come see my daughter every few weeks. Now I live here and this area is EXTREMELY expensive to live, everyone is so pretentious and arrogant that I now see why she is the way she is, she’s a product of her environment. I struggle to pay bills and have ANY money at all, after forking out 50% of my monthly income for renting a decent place to live, suitable for a 5 year old, then add on child support, student loans, other essential bills.. I’m flat broke with no end in sight.

I make a respectable living, but cannot save any money and am constantly in the hole. meanwhile, baby mama is thriving in this arrogant and pretentious area with the support of her family and bitchy and judgmental friends, while I have no family within 8 hrs, and very limited friend circle due to the arrogance of people around here and the fact I grew up and lived my entire life in my home city, where we met. She STILL has not gotten the birth certificate changed now over 4.5 years later citing a ton of different excuses, mainly that her lawyers are working on it or that my home state is a pain in the ass to get anything done.  

All the while, I have done EVERYTHING I’m supposed to according to the court order plus more. I love my daughter more than I can ever express, but I’m miserable here and I honestly don’t know what to do. I can see her mother rubbing off on her constantly and it depresses me. I don’t want her to grow up to be the attention whore. I don’t want my daughter to think i don’t care about her, and that I’m leaving her, and it’s hard to be an effective father if I were to move back to my home city and drive up 1 weekend out of the month to see her. I feel like if I leave, my daughter won’t have that force in her life to keep her from becoming just like her mom and to grow up appreciating the important things in life, not the new boots from Neiman Marcus and how to use guys to get what she wants.

I’m always the bad guy in everyone’s eyes because of the one sided story she’s told them. Her whole family and friends think I’m a piece of s~~~ when in actuality, if they knew the whole story, I’m sure they would take a different view of me. Anyone who knows her knows how she is.  No one can see what I’ve sacrificed to be here and be in my daughter’s life on a constant basis. I gave up a good job, was on fast track to mgmt, paid half of what I do now for rent for a much larger place, and left all of my child hood friends and family to step up and do the right thing. I’ve told myself that when she goes to college and turns 18 I’m moving back home, but it’s only been 2 years and i feel like I’m becoming a grumpy old man… and I’m only 28.  Apologies for the novel, but its a long story and I didn’t know if anyone here has experienced something similar who can lend some words of wisdom.

[Raymondo DinzaoParticipant 2]

Hugo, I just posted a reply to the thread I need advice, please.  My story relates a little more directly to his situation but go ahead and read it and if you have any questions feel free to ask away.

[jambearParticipant 282]

Damn this is horrible. I have no clue on what you should do. Sorry.

I guess you could try to look for an oasis of normal people in your area. Try to build a better life . It seems like your doing the best you can in a bad situation, just continue doing that. I know you said you love your daughter above anything else but if you have to away for awhile to get in a better potion to help her then that is what you might have t do. If you are miserable and useless to her then proximity will not make up for that. Ask yourself “what is the best way to help my daughter?” If being close an miserable is not working out then maybe being faraway and happy is. Something to think about I guess.

[KeymasterKeymaster]

Devastating. I would like to thank you for writing this all out. Advice here is very difficult, but you are aware.

Women fight unfairly with social manipulation etc. and backstabbing / ostracizing. It’s how they play.
Rise above it and don’t count that as one of your problems. Her c~~~ing “friends” are not your problem.

She must have the birth certificate changed – by court order.
If you are ordered to pay, and she expects you to, she will make sure she makes that happen.

Have you tried to appeal to her good nature? Meaning, if she is human (or humane) at all… she might be capable of finding it within herself to make some effort to understand and appreciate your efforts. Just because it’s legal in this country for a woman to allow herself to get pregnant without a man’s consent, doesn’t make it RIGHT. For this reason alone, I would not be as generous as you. Perhaps she would get my money, but she and her child would not see me again.

Your good intentions as a well-meaning father are grossly overshadowed here (with you visiting so rarely) and passing on proper values to her will be damn near impossible in this kind of a climate. Even if you were married and living with her, there is a severe limit on the proper discipline you can maintain. Just raising your voice and saying “NO” is considered a form of “abuse” now, and for that reason, what can you do, really?

A woman gets p~~~ed when a man questions her pregnancy claim? Too f~~~ing bad! Women are out there buying FAKE positive pregnancy tests from craigslist!!! Women never get to get mad about that again! Paternity fraud is LEGAL in all 50 states. It’s a f~~~ing REQUIREMENT to question it. A woman who holds her hand out for your money and support had better understand WHY you are questioning it. $250K to raise a child to 18??? The lottery commission doesn’t cut checks until you show them a ticket either.

But I digress…

Perhaps thinking of surviving and bettering your OWN life for the time being should be the priority.
YOU are number one. And if you don’t look out for number one, nobody else will.

If you keep doing what you've always done... you're gonna keep getting what you always got.

[Red PillParticipant 11]

Dude.  You can’t pay child-support if you’re not the daddy (Birth Certificate).  I realize you’re the paternal father…

When you’re the daddy (on the birth certificate), she doesn’t get to move far away from you (at least in my home state, I’m not a lawyer), without written consents from you, stuff like that.  There are benefits, if you’re wanting to be there for your huge mistake, of having documentation as the father.  What if your huge-mistake was in the ICU at the hospital and visitation was “family only” and the rotten woman (baby’s momma) denies you access after you’ve been paying thousands for years?  You must flex what little muscle you have and stop paying her for abusing the system and you.

Child support (including back-support, since you’re such a great father) will be paid as soon as this B-certificate gets sorted, which will also help you out with her not being able to relocate your child to places that hinder your ability to be in her life.  Good luck.

[TheNinjaUWannaH8Participant 386]

Hugo…Thanks for sharing your story.  I’m sorry you have to go through that Shiet. You are a good dude with a wonderful daughter. Try your best to find the silver lining as much as you possibly can.

[BrainPilotParticipant 7640]

Hugo,

I don’t have kids, so my insights are limited.  But as crappy as this woman is, she needs the child support $$$.  It sounds like no amount of money will be enough for her, but she’s not giving yours up, that for sure.  And if she has to put your name on the birth cert to get it, she will.  About the only influence you have with this she-beast now is to somehow maybe remind her that child support only lasts 18 years, then your obligation is over.  If she wants help sending your daughter to college, there are some things you may need from her…  She already thinks of your money as hers, and she’d like you to feel worthless.  But the reality is that your ability to earn money on behalf of your daughter has a value that she can’t take away, but will not last past your doughtier turning 18.  Beyond that, your involvement is voluntary and optional.  She can’t realistically sue your parents.  That’s probably a brain fart.  But you and your parents can very realistically send your daughter to college…and that possibility is far more likely than your dumb ass ex has of doing it.  So, your child is a hostage, and will be for a time yet.  But that will not be forever, and time is not on her side.  Some guy who might buy her a drink in a bar… is not going to be a scholarship fund.  Your situation is not good, but it’s not permanent either.  Focus on that…

Look, it's not my fault that tornado dropped a house on your sister. Now get back on your broom and get your ass out of here... and take your monkeys with you

[harpo-my-“SON”Participant 2410]

Hugo I had very limited visitation through the years with my only child a daughter.. The input I made towards her upbringing was small. Still she is in college now and we have a good relationship. Don’t worry so much and take care of yourself..Children understand more that you realize about these situations.. I beat myself up for years for not being a bigger part of her life. Then I find out my daughter saw through the tales her mother told about my character. Do what you must to feel right about it, but don’t destroy yourself..Best wishes..

I was bound to be misunderstood, and I laugh at those who misunderstand me. Kind mockery at the well intentioned, but unfettered cruelty towards those would be prison guards of my creative possibilities. This so as to learn as much from misunderstanding as from understanding. Taking pleasure in worthy opponents and making language fluid and flowing like a river yet pointed and precise as a dagger. Contradicts the socialistic purpose of language and makes for a wonderful linguistic dance, A verbal martial art with constant parries that hone the weapon that is the two edged sword of my mouth.

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