Grinding you down into a pulp of misery

[Dashing Young DissidentSpectator]

Warm greetings gentlemen.

I have been browsing on this site for about two weeks now, reading several different posts in the forums, and have loved reading everything here. I’d like to introduce myself and tell you my story if I may. I will do my best to condense it as much as I can, so apologies if it ends up being a huge mind numbing novel and all over the place, full of swearing and displays signs of a mental breakdown (hehe).

I am turning 32 this October. My story begins when I was 23. I am from England and moved to New Zealand in 2006 to visit my estranged family who emigrated there in 2001/2 after not seeing them for almost 5 years. Thats a mother, a (half) brother and sister, and a stepfather who I’ve known since I was 3 years old. It didn’t go very well to say the least, due to the ex military stepfather who I have always clashed with and he did everything he could to cut me out of the picture as I reached the legal age of him being able to throw me out when we lived in England (which he did). He was a complete c~~~ and made my stay there at his precious house as difficult as possible until I left in despair and anger. To cut a long story short, a met an older woman (she was 39 I was 23, I know…pure insanity) online on this s~~~ty New Zealand dating website (never again) who I clicked with at the time and ended up moving to another city (Christchurch) to meet her, and eventually live with her, despite how weird and impulsive it was at the time. She had 3 kids to an ex husband, a 15 year old, a 13 year old and a 7 year old, and while this bothered me, and would definitely seem ridiculous to any of my friends or so called family for me to get involved, I still ventured into unknown territory being the young naive t~~~ that I was at the time.

I had nothing to go back to in England. I was broke, came out to NZ on a total whim, had no other family apart from my grandmother who I had lived with who was sick of the sight of me and vice versa, and I wanted to escape the inbred s~~~ hole town that I had endured for so long. And of course, admittedly, I needed a place to stay. After a miserable year of living with this woman and finding out she was a total mess, she told me she was 3 months pregnant with my baby. I honestly wanted to f~~~ing top myself after she told me. How could I have been so stupid, so careless and moronic. I didn’t even like this woman, couldn’t f~~~ing stand her or her horrible, disrespectful wanker kids. She never even consulted me about it, just told me she was having it and obviously there was no changing it. She told me I was ‘free to leave’ If I wanted and she would raise the child without me. In retrospect, maybe I should have just done a runner and gotten the f~~~ out of there, but being the person I am, I didn’t like the thought of this child being born without a father and having a child somewhere in the world that I didn’t know. I was 23, confused and distressed as f~~~ about the whole thing and it ate me up for months and months. My own birth father (a yank) abandoned me and my mother when I was 2 years old, so I didn’t want to repeat history even though I never knew the prick.

The birth of my son should have been a ‘nice’experience I suppose, or whatever the f~~~ a man is supposed to feel at their first childs birth, but I was completely numb. I felt absolutely nothing, and drove this obese, ugly wart hog who I had absolutely no attachment to what so ever to the hospital, in labour, hoping this was a horrible f~~~ing nightmare I would soon awake from. I honestly don’t remember the birth at all, some how the memory is not there, probably because how traumatising it was for me.

I took my son to an an adjacent room so I could have some privacy and let his mother rest, and held him in my arms, looking down at him, and he was silent, looking back at me. The whole thing was unreal. I said something stupid like “hello…I’m your dad.” We must have drove home not long after, and this new little human being was fast asleep in his carry seat thing. We got home, and I put the car seat on the middle of the bed and watched my son for about 2 hours, in complete shock and confusion as to wtf had just took place. There was now this little baby fast asleep on the bed who wasn’t here before, and he was MY child. I do remember though, an hour into this scenario, I broke down in tears feeling gutted and ashamed of myself for bringing someone into the world because of my stupidity. I wasn’t ready to be a father neither did I want to be at aged 23. I had completely f~~~ed my life up.

Fast forward 8 years…my son and I are very close. I have been back to England once in 2011 for 7 months. I have had many jobs over the years, lost a good engineering job due to the recession, and went through the devastating 7.1 earthquake here which completely annihilated the city. I was in and out of hospital from 2007-2011 with heart problems. I have atrial fibrillation which was finally diagnosed here in NZ. So I get an irregular heart beat now and again which is more of a f~~~ing nuisance than anything, it doesn’t scare me at all as im so used to it.

I’m a musician, a professional drummer and well…a competent singer and metal vocalist. I’m heavily into film making, movies, and am a writer as well. I only play metal, but i like other music as well. Im an artist as far as im concerned, and utterly useless at anything else. (Like keeping a job lol.)

The entire time spent here in NZ has been a pure personal hell for me. I’ve done the responsible thing and stayed for my son and raised him best the can. I hate the woman i had him with and went through hell with her and her kids which i will prob explain in another post.

Over those lonely, miserable 8 years, all my friends back in England disowned me, despite me keeping in contact with my best friend who i was drumming in a band with. Known him since 1998. He went ghost on me then finally told me ‘we had nothing in common’ anymore which broke my heart and severed contact with me. The very last person I expected to f~~~ me over and he did. We even met up in 2011 in London when I went back, and he was weird as hell towards me. So the whole life i used to know in England died a long time ago.

In 2013 I parted ways with his mother and I had met a much younger woman than her, only 4 years older than me who had a daughter the same age as my son. I had known her for a year before moving into her place, and i tell you what guys, she changed for the worse after i did. I could not f~~~ing believe it. I had gotten away from my sons foul obese pig ignorant mother, and jumped from the pan into the fire it seemed with this new woman. I had no idea her kid was the brat from hell. This little bitch made my life so unbearable i ended up taking lorazapam for the stress and drinking myself into a f~~~ing coma with whiskey. Her mother was also another bat s~~~ crazy psycho drama bitch who would be up and down like a f~~~ing yo yo on a daily basis.

All ive wanted to do in all the 8 years of my suffering, was play in a metal band and rock the f~~~ out at gigs and record an album in the studio. I never found it in NZ and have always had the most god awful luck.

What happened to me in the end guys was I moved out of that psychotic household at the beginning of this year to get away from those two demons, and I am now homeless and jobless. I am jobless because the clinical depression i have suffered my entire life and the acute stress and anxiety caused by those f~~~ing bitches crushed me inwards and i found it impossible to hold down a job feeling like i wanted to end myself on a daily basis.

In my desperation, i had to sell my 7 string PRS electric guitar, my guitar amp, my f~~~ing black magic pocket cinema camera, all my audio equipment, all the s~~~ i saved up for years to but with my hard earned cash at pawn shops and on the NZ equivalent of ebay, to feed myself and petrol for my car I sleep in most nights. My son and his mother and her wanker youngest son from her ex live with her father because she was f~~~ed over by the real estate company, and i sometimes sleep on this camp bed in the living room out of pity from the grandfather who also has bitch problems.

Ok, im not entirely jobless, i work as a bouncer on the weekends at a s~~~ hole dive bar in some nasty industrial estate on a fri or sat night which ive done for 3 years. The cash barely lasts me 2 days. It’s pittance. For the other days of the week my ex is reluctantly giving me cash until I wait on a letter from my grandmother to find out whether she will pay for a plane ticket for me to go live at hers.

My life is utterly f~~~ed. I am 31, i have worked my arse off over the years working two jobs supporting someone else’s kids who showed me zero gratitude and disrespected me. These were the type of arrogant f~~~ing c~~~s who would log into the internet router of the internet I WAS PAYING FOR at our house I PAID RENT FOR, and had the bloody cheek to put a speed limit on the net to my computer. When I notified their mother in rage I was told that “they can do whatever they want”, which left me no choice but to smash open their bedroom door and verbally threaten them, because quite honestly, nothing else worked. Did they care? Did they f~~~. Did they have an ounce of respect for a grown man paying for them to sit on their f~~~ing arses on world of war craft all day getting mummy to make dinner for them every day and kissing their arses? Did they f~~~.

I feel utterly broken. But at the same time i feel carved out of wood. I feel weak but I also feel strong. I feel despair but I have hope. Then i feel nothing, then i feel everything. I spend my days in the local library on my laptop, using the wifi, secretly sipping whiskey and swallowing codeine pills, listening to music on my headphones, wondering what the actual f~~~ happened to me, my life, and the person I used to be. That happy go lucky 23 year old metal head with dreams of being in a band and making films.

And then it hits me…jesus f~~~ing christ….its 2016????? How did life pass me by so fast. Who am i? What am i doing? What do i do now? WHAT DO I DO NOW????

I get this horrible depersonalisation sometimes, which is the bodies defence mechanism for acute stress, where I feel disconnected from reality and confused as to who or what i am, as weird as that sounds. Through all the s~~~ my ex has told my mother whos shes bum chums with, im now seen as a mental patient, a loser, despite everything ive done and being here for my son who thinks im the best dad in the world.

I’ve completely lost track of time over the last 2 years. I kept my bouncer job but was unable to find a full time job, and when i did, i would just walk out or never turn up again as i couldn’t face it anymore. I should have gone back to the UK years ago but i just couldn’t leave my son with that useless fat bitch. She is a land whale now. Unf~~~ingrecognisable. She is so fat that I have a hard time convincing myself its the same person. 5 years i put up with her steadily putting on weight until she morphed into a f~~~ing hideous monstrosity and never gave an iota of a f~~~.

So here I am, a broken man, writing my film scripts in the library, writing poetry, writing my short stories and working on a novel, hoping my grandmother will agree to the plane ticket, and I will go back to England and hopefully find work there, and buy myself a new camera, a new guitar, and everything else i need.

I have no qualifications, no trades, i have nothing and am nothing as far as credentials and accolades go. But to me, its all bulls~~~. I do have talent, and i know i have the fortitude and determination to get films made in the UK once im back. I have once friend who i met friends with over the 7 years in NZ who is just like me and wants to make films. So its a ray of light i have in my world of darkness.

I’m devastated to leave my son, but i mean, what else options do i have. I have battled with his mother to give me custody and take him back to the UK but she is determined to keep him in NZ, which is a baron wasteland.

I am a pariah in society, the black sheep, ostracised from civilisation, im outspoken, have no interest in a career apart from film making or music, and f~~~ing despise the 9-5 world and would rather eat a bullet than succumb to that bulls~~~.

Thanks for reading my long as f~~~ story, i hope i haven’t bored the s~~~ out of you. Would love to hear from anyone whos experienced anything similar, and please feel free anyone to comment and give advice etc, would be very much appreciated. I never made any friends in nz the whole time ive been here, never got to talk to other dads or men about women etc and never received any help what so ever. I really have been isolated this who time. But its given me so many ideas for films and stories and so something good has come from it, plus my son brings me sunshine on these dark days.

Cheers.

[Jan SobieskiParticipant 28791]

Welcome home brother!

Love is just alimony waiting to happen. Visit mgtow.com.

[Dashing Young DissidentSpectator]

Thanks 🙂

[Truthseeker82Participant 6406]

Welcome. I’m glad you found refuge here with us. We all make mistakes – but we work to move forward in life and learn from those experiences.
You’re to be commended for putting your son first. While the mother sounds like an atrocity, at least he has a caring Dad. Women’s nature at its worst can be bruising and its best confusing. Going forward, remember you cannot ever read a female accurately – they are designed by nature to deceive. Hope to hear more from you and welcome to the road home.

[Dashing Young DissidentSpectator]

Thanks Truthseeker82 🙂

[experiencedParticipant]

Welcome DYD.

You have done a great service here by pointing out to all who read your intro, how truly wonderful a man’s life can be made to be, by associating with single moms.[SARCASM!!!!]

Most single moms have already f~~~ed up one guy’s life, but that is never enough for them.

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.
And
You have learned from all of it.

Again, Welcome here!

"It seems like there's times a body gets struck down so low, there ain't a power on earth that can ever bring him up again. Seems like something inside dies so he don't even want to get up again. But he does."

[NerevarParticipant 8040]

Goddamn, what a soul-crushing story 🙁

Welcome to mgtow, a place where you can always stay!

"One of the best things internet exposed is just how insane women are." - Freeman_K

[The Manipulated ManParticipant 1856]

Dear DYD,

Appreciate your introduction.

My heart and prayers goes out to you.

Dashing Young Dissident wrote:

I feel utterly broken.

When I hit low points in my life, “bottoms,” participating in twelve step groups helped a lot.

AA and sometimes NA had coffee and some snacks at the meetings. And someone usually bought me lunch.

Most of the men there have been through the same s~~~ I went through and worse.

It was good to hear the honest stories of other men.

The men of AA were the most helpful and many went out of their way to get me out of a crisis.

Being rigorously honest and doing a fearless moral inventory which is fundamental to Twelve Step Recovery, are masculine qualities.

Twelve step groups like ALONON and ACA are sadly dominated by women, so their meetings are dysfunctional, even though the men who write their books are brilliant. Woman are natural born liars and their pusillanimous/ manipulative nature is opposed to the fundamentals of Twelve Step Recovery.

Dashing Young Dissident wrote:

atrial fibrillation

My Martial Arts teacher who is quite formidable had something similar where his heart would race to scary levels. Medications didn’t help much and caused complications. Five years ago, some Doctor performed a surgery through his arteries and inside his heart which burned off some of the nerves causing the problem. Now he is alive, well, and pounding on his students.

Dashing Young Dissident wrote:

wanker

Last year, I wrote a post called “Soppy Wanker” in the “Health and Fitness” section of the Forums. Links to all of the posts and replies of each individual MGTOW can be found in their Profiles.

Dashing Young Dissident wrote:

The entire time spent here in NZ has been a pure personal hell for me.

Dashing Young Dissident wrote:

NZ, which is a baron wasteland.

Do you mean a culturally baron wasteland?

Many of us Yanks loved the series about two Kiwis living in New York, “Flight of the Conchords.” The sparse New Zealand Councelet in this comedy suggested some poverty.
My favorite episode was when Bret was dating an Aussie woman.

Spending time in New Zealand is one of the things on my bucket list. Some family moved there a while ago.

What’s life like for a free man in Kiwi Land?

What s~~~ is the Gynocracy up to in NZ?

What happens when a man finally comprehends the cold and calculating thoughts that are going through a woman's mind, while her eyes are brimming with tears?

[Anonymous 24]

Until men around the world gain legal rights to their DNA, meaning, no child shall be born of it without his consent, this will continue to be a common story.

[Jack123Participant 324]

Welcome DYD,

It wasn’t long ago that I was writing my story on here – 7 months to be exact. I have a feeling there are a lot of guys trapped in relationships just like yours. These guys either tunnel their way out one spoonful of dirt at a time or become institutionalised into thinking getting ass-raped is just another normal day. Both ways are long, hard and dirty. You’ve escaped the horror of the prison showers and you’re on the other side of the 39 foot wall. Sure you’re dirty, tired and angry, maybe you are even lost. How did this happen to me, where am I?

Most guys can’t deal with the big city lights, responsibility and unforgiving endless choice that freedom provides. They crawl straight back into the hole and return to the comfort of institutionalised abuse. Those guys will know when to have their meals, when to be home, what they are doing on their weekends (chores) and you can be certain that they won’t be having enjoyable sex again.

You’re free now. What are you going to do?

The choice is yours.

[HitmanParticipant]

You Are Not Alone you are in good company here . glad to have you onboard!
3 years ago I had $0.19 to my name I had to sell everything I could and go deep into debt so I feel your pain brother stay strong it gets better.

[Dashing Young DissidentSpectator]

Thankyou to everyone for the warm welcome.

[Dashing Young DissidentSpectator]

Five years ago, some Doctor performed a surgery through his arteries and inside his heart which burned off some of the nerves causing the problem. Now he is alive, well, and pounding on his students.

Sounds like heart ablation. I’ve been offered that procedure but its sounds intense, you are awake through the whole thing and it doesn’t always work. They have to poke a hole though the heart wall as well if I remember correctly. They used to burn the tissue, but the newer method is to freeze the heart tissue thats causing problems.

[Dashing Young DissidentSpectator]

Do you mean a culturally baron wasteland?

Many of us Yanks loved the series about two Kiwis living in New York, “Flight of the Conchords.” The sparse New Zealand Councelet in this comedy suggested some poverty.
My favorite episode was when Bret was dating an Aussie woman.

Spending time in New Zealand is one of the things on my bucket list. Some family moved there a while ago.

What’s life like for a free man in Kiwi Land?

What s~~~ is the Gynocracy up to in NZ?

Thanks for the kind words. Yes, I don’t want to offend any Kiwi guys on here, but New Zealand is about 20 years behind the rest of the world, and a ridiculously expensive place to live. You are looking at a high tax country with London and beyond prices for the food basics. You will also be taxed another 15% for anything you import thanks to their Prime-minister John Key.

The food here tastes like s~~~. There is no flavour to anything what so ever and you are charged premium rates for utter s~~~e.

John Key also made dodgy back door deals with MGM Studios and Peter Jackson to keep the Hobbit movies in New Zealand which required CHANGING the employment law and screwing over sub contractors, the unions, etc. This was pretty big news at the time. Peter Jackson then rewarded himself with an 80 million dollar private jet not long after…like a good little capitalist Kiwi pig.

New Zealand is very archaic, suffers from a huge tall poppy syndrome, and is obsessed with drinking and rugby. None of the houses have central heating, most average houses cost on excess of $500,000 and you will then have to insulate your home costing another $20,000 or so.

New Zealand has a huge jingoism problem. And definitely suffers from a superiority/inferiority complex.

Now, the average man will struggle like f~~~ in New Zealand, living here is a completely different story. If you are wealthy and loaded then it doesn’t really matter, wealthy people can live in comfort anywhere in the world. The wages are p~~~ poor and the cost of living will f~~~ you in the ass on a weekly basis.

People back home in England have always responded in confusion and discord to me when I’ve told them New Zealand isnt this Lord of The Rings haven they think it is. Visually it is, but thats where it stops. I challenge anyone who hasn’t been to New Zealand to live here for 2 years and remain.

Immigration NZ pedal their bulls~~~ propaganda to potential migrants and visitors, coaxing them into a fallacy, to simply rinse their wallet. You have been warned. Take heed my good men!

The women here are thick as s~~~, and more like the men every day. You want to find a ‘lady’ or a ‘real woman’? Forget it. They dress like men, have a revolting personality and attitude. Of course, this is the majority I’m talking about. There are exceptions, but bloody good luck finding them.

For a single man with money in his pocket, who wants to buy a house here and settle down, ask yourself this-do I want to live in the middle of nowhere and live in utter isolation and pay out of my arse for it? If you want to get away from all the political turmoil in the world, New Zealand is perfect for that. If you simply want to come here and do absolutely nothing and fade away, its the prefect place. But my question is, why come to New Zealand when you could go to Australia which wipes the floor with NZ in every aspect. The people are nicer and more with it, the money is better, theres loads more to do there, and you will be HAPPIER there.

Don’t get me wrong, theres some beautiful places in NZ to go see and visit, and hell…you may even like the place and want to stay. I was like that when I first came here…but then I saw it for what it really was.

My stepfather and my family all live in Aussie now and have done for years. They absolutely love it there and I’m suspecting they are going to stay there until their dying day (the parents anyway.).

Just my two cents. Again, I mean no offence to any Kiwi guys on here, just honestly telling you of my 10 year experience here as a ‘whinging pom’ as they like to call us lol.

[Dashing Young DissidentSpectator]

Welcome DYD,

It wasn’t long ago that I was writing my story on here – 7 months to be exact. I have a feeling there are a lot of guys trapped in relationships just like yours. These guys either tunnel their way out one spoonful of dirt at a time or become institutionalised into thinking getting ass-raped is just another normal day. Both ways are long, hard and dirty. You’ve escaped the horror of the prison showers and you’re on the other side of the 39 foot wall. Sure you’re dirty, tired and angry, maybe you are even lost. How did this happen to me, where am I?

Most guys can’t deal with the big city lights, responsibility and unforgiving endless choice that freedom provides. They crawl straight back into the hole and return to the comfort of institutionalised abuse. Those guys will know when to have their meals, when to be home, what they are doing on their weekends (chores) and you can be certain that they won’t be having enjoyable sex again.

You’re free now. What are you going to do?

The choice is yours.

Thanks jack123. Haha I like your analogy. Well, moving onwards is what im doing. I’ve been at a stale mate for years, wading through pungent stagnant waters for years on end wondered why the f~~~ I put up with it and didn’t leave sooner.

[Author]

Posts