Getting there

[Symmetric MGTOWParticipant 570]

It will soon be two months since she left me and I have made a lot of progress. Her leaving me was to me the ultimate red pill and I swallowed it as graciously as I could. Not going to lie, it still hurts. Her words hurt, and her actions hurt even more.

But yesterday I had an epiphany. I was cleaning the dishes when I started thinking of all the things she has said to me in recent times: that I hurt her, that I ‘hit’ her (read my intro topic for more info on that accusation) and that she was actually ‘afraid’ of me these days.

I reflected on those words that, to be honest, had been bothering me for so long. And then I had a beautiful epiphany. I remembered all the nice things I did for her while we were together. All the beautiful, unforgettable experiences that she will remember until the day she dies. All the words, all the love, all the meaningful things and actions. Every single beautiful moment we shared together… and there were many of them! And then it hit me. It hit me that I am way, way more than what she claims I am.

I realized that in order for her to leave me she turned me into a grotesque cartoon in her mind: in her mind as it is I am just an angry violent man that shoved her and pushed three times in over six years of being together and loving each other). But I am more than that. I am way more than that and I reject her image of me. She can keep her creation, that’s fine, I don’t care anymore if that’s what she thinks of me. I refuse, however, to accept said cartoonesque image of myself as reality.

I made mistakes, and I am paying way too much for them. But I am not making the ultimate mistake: letting her define who I am or how I see myself so she can feel better about ending our marriage.

That’s her lie, not me, I am not that lie. I, unlike her, chose to live and deal with reality.

It was a beautiful moment. It brightened my days.

As I said a few weeks ago… I feel like a phoenix rising from the ashes.

Thought I’d share this as an update with my brothers here.

God bless you all.

[SkeptiskParticipant 3679]

Women will make any excuse to make her seem “right”, even creating a monster caricature in her mind. It shows more of herself than you, JL. Maybe the monster is the one that resides in her.

"Expecting to find a decent woman on a dating site is like dumpster diving and expecting to come out with a gourmet meal." Won'tGetFooledAgain

[Symmetric MGTOWParticipant 570]

Skeptisk wrote:

Women will make any excuse to make her seem “right”, even creating a monster caricature in her mind. It shows more of herself than you, JL. Maybe the monster is the one that resides in her.

Indeed my friend. Women are really good at rationalizing some of their worst actions by turning men and significant others into caricatures. Nothing we can do about it but continue working on ourselves to improve our reality.

Cheers

[Soldier-MedicParticipant 2566]

Good to hear from you.

I still go through the occasional epiphany myself. Don’t feel bad or think it strange if they are still popping up from time to time five years from now.

Fleshing away the layers of the self delusion that men create in order to stay sane takes time and patience. These delusions are a product of living in a state of cognitive dissonance that is know as modern wedded bliss. Stripping them away all at once would cause you to either curl in to a fetal position, or run down the neighborhood street screaming at the top of your lungs.

I envy you in that your latest realization was a blessing. For me they have been moments of retroactive terror and fury. Imagine coming to the realization that you shared a bed and home with some sort of gargoyle clothed in the skin of a human being……………….Rant suppressed.

Glad you are finding peace and happiness.

"I asked you a question. I didn't ask you to repeat what the voices in you head are telling you" ~ Me. ........Yes I'm still angry.

[stopmockingmanParticipant 441]

May I interject this for your sake- mine she left 2008- still in courts- she said I molested the children- she is slowly dying in court, you are and will be fine, I will be fine, all men on this site will be fine.
2008, I still hurt from 3 children wrenched out from me a court order telling her not to say disparaging word against me- does not work with a C~~~.
Do you have children? NO? Count your f~~~ing blessings, and spit on her f~~~ing evil soul!
COURTS have f~~~all power to make do- MAN/CHILDREN BACK TOGETHER AGAIN.
It always hurts, it always will, REASON for
mgtow site.
The hurt will never disappear. EVER.

[NioZenParticipant 856]

Before heaven bestows greatness upon a man, he is tested, to see that he is ready.

We only dream this bondage. Wake up and let it go. - Vivekananda

[stopmockingmanParticipant 441]

Lucipher, your name is untrue.
my brother.

[Symmetric MGTOWParticipant 570]

It’s been a while since I last posted something.

The last couple of months have been the craziest ride of my life in terms of emotional and inner life.

Let me just say, again, that I thank each and all of you for your kindness and understanding. You guys mean a lot to me, because I know that we understand each other’s pain. And god knows that I was hurting a lot. I still hurt, but definitely not as much as I used to.

Thank you guys, thank you for every single word you have written in my topics.

THE POSITIVES SO FAR:

We don’t talk anymore. The uncontested divorce BS ended and she decided to sue me. One day I was getting ready to go work, someone knocked on the door and BAM! As soon as I opened the guy told me that I was being served. The funny thing is that she decided to sue me and still wants to settle. It’s basically the same agreement, she just made me spend a 750 dollars on lawyer fees. So we don’t talk. Lawyers and money are doing all the talking now. After that incident I decided to start ghosting. I might as well. Got rid of my FB and Instagram and I don’t have an online presence anymore except for whatsapp and telegram, which I utilize to stay in touch with friends across the world. And she’s blocked on all of those.

I am not fueled by rage anymore, and I thank god for that. Rage was consuming me and corroding my spirit and well being. Raged definitely helped me make it through the beginning of this process, which was the most painful anyways. As I have written before, everything started unraveling back in July, so it’s been not so long and, at the same time, it does feel like it’s been a while. Through careful reading of the Buddhist philosophy I have replaced rage with mindfulness and with the determination to become the best possible version of myself, ever, from a spiritual perspective. Studying Buddhism has facilitated seeing myself under other light, and I have become a better observer of myself, the mistakes I make, my reactions towards certain stimuli, my awareness has just increased a lot. I am not saying or trying to imply that I’m enlightened and/or perfect. But I do see my mistakes more clearly and I realize when I am acting against my own benefit and well-being as well as other peoples’ well-being. When it comes to the anger issues I had specifically, studying Buddhism has been enlightening. It has also helped me realize that, despite my mistakes and f~~~ ups, I am not a bad person, I am not ‘flawed’. I cannot stress this enough for those who may read this: even if you committed despicable acts against yourself or other people in the past, what matters is your present and what you do with it. As I explained before, I said and did things to my wife that still haunt me to this day. But instead of blaming me for everything bad that has happened to me and to both of us, I am trying to be compassionate towards both of us. Both of us did a lot of things that deeply hurt one another, and both of us, despite everything, deserve compassion. And that’s what I feel for her these days: compassion, as well as for myself. She hurt me a lot, I hurt her a lot, but as I said before, I am choosing to not ignore what happened and learn from it, to embrace ideas and emotions so nuanced and painful that bring discomfort to my life. I choose not to hide in a web of lies about her or myself. Embracing the truth and thinking of both of us as two people who loved each other but hurt each other in their confusion resembles more the reality of our situation. With that said, embracing this mindset has exposed me to bittersweet emotions. When these emotions arise I embrace them as well, bitter and sweet, rough and tender, the ambiguity they make me feel is like life itself, like the human condition itself. I want to clarify: me writing these thoughts and ideas does not mean I am renouncing to MGTOW. I believe that MGTOW and Buddhism have a lot in common. We, just as Buddhists do, are trying to break the cycle of oppression and suffering that modern society and the state has built upon our backs and spirits. We seek freedom going MGTOW. Buddhists seek to break the cycle of Samsara via enlightenment. Both are so similar in more than one way. Reflecting on these and other ideas has helped me realize that who I was with my wife will never ever be again. It also made me realize that who I am as a person will continue fluctuating and changing as I age and learn more from my own existence. It has also given me a foundation to deal with reality that I wish I had when I was younger. It would have saved me a lot of grief. But it’s never too late to learn these things, that’s the beauty of it, and as I am in my very early thirties, if anything, I am very excited that I get to take advantage of this knowledge for what’s left of my life.

Another positive is that I have been able to concentrate better on my academic responsibilities. That always makes me very happy, as I still need to complete my degree, while I’m applying for a better job.

AS FOR THE NEGATIVES

Pain still lingers, it still hurts and burns from the inside. But I don’t try to hide it our camouflage it anymore. I embrace it and let it manifest itself without feeding it with my own emotions/narratives. Then, after a while, it dissipates on its own. Goes away just as it came, on its own, without me doing anything.

Some days it’s easier to do this. Some days it’s harder. But the more I try and embrace my emotions instead of suppressing them, the better I feel and the more beautiful my own life becomes.

Another negative is that even though the lawyer is dealing with everything now and I trust him, it’s freaking expensive… I really hope this nightmare is over soon so I stop paying him and move on with my life.

Finally, since I have been eating very well and exercising a lot, my testosterone levels are very high, and so is my libido. I wish hookers were more available where I live ATM, bu that’s not the case in this Southern State, famous for its backwardness… anyways, I use my hands and move on. But god knows I miss sex a lot. I don’t miss, however, all the negatives that came with it and made my life a living hell months and years ago…

This status update was overdue.

Will try and be more active in the future. It’s just been a bit crazy lately on my end.

Hope all my brothers here are doing better than I am.

J.

[Symmetric MGTOWParticipant 570]

stopmockingman wrote:

May I interject this for your sake- mine she left 2008- still in courts- she said I molested the children- she is slowly dying in court, you are and will be fine, I will be fine, all men on this site will be fine.
2008, I still hurt from 3 children wrenched out from me a court order telling her not to say disparaging word against me- does not work with a C~~~.
Do you have children? NO? Count your f~~~ing blessings, and spit on her f~~~ing evil soul!
COURTS have f~~~all power to make do- MAN/CHILDREN BACK TOGETHER AGAIN.
It always hurts, it always will, REASON for
mgtow site.
The hurt will never disappear. EVER.

I cannot even start to imagine the hell you have been experiencing for the last few years. You have been dealing with accusations that could destroy your life forever, with very little chances of repairing it, plus your children.

Thank you for offering me, again, your perspective. I appreciate it brother.

I know that you will be OK. Keep up the good work. And yes, you are right, pain NEVER disappears. It’s part of life. But as you say, we are men, we are strong, and we can turn our pain into something positive if we want to.

J.

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