REUTERS
AUG-26-2015
NEW YORK, NY, USA
JAMES HASSAGINA
In solidarity with their Bronx sisters, over 12,000 men took to the streets of New York today in a show of support for the recent Free The Nipples campaign which recently garnered attention in the controversial city.
A leader of the men, when asked as to the purpose of the gathering, explained the circumstances to this reporter.
Upon my query, the man told me “We feel that ALL natural parts of a human’s being’s body which are traditionally shocking should be free, and free from shame, criticism or packaged into a gender specific box, which can only ultimately hurt an individual. It was a difficult process in coming up with what we could use as an example, but then it hit me square in the fanny. Not only do both genders possess a Sphincter, but both genders have Assholes, both literally and figuratively speaking. And so here, today, we will have the VERY FIRST, “FREE THE SPHINCTER MARCH” right here in New York City” at which point, he yelled “WOOOOOOOHOOOOOOO”, dropped his pants, and defecated on my left shoe. Before running off and tripping on his pants, he informed me to not worry, “S~~~ting is a natural function, and I won’t have it dictate who I am!!”
In unison, the men lined up on the street, dropped their pants around their ankles, spread their cheeks, and began a very odd, ducklike walk down the procession whilst s~~~ting at will. Fire hydrants were s~~~ on. Newspaper stands were s~~~ on. Phone booths were s~~~ on (much to the chagrin of a gentleman in large black framed glasses who seemed to be tearing his clothes off in an effort to reveal a strange, “S” symbol on a blue shirt.) When questioned as to how he felt about the protest, he simply muttered “I don’t even care if it’s still there. I’m going back to f~~~ing Krypton. F~~~ my dad. F~~~ Marlon Brando. What aaaaa f~~~ing asshole, and I don’t care if that’s politically correct”.
A local street Burrito vendor could be heard to proclaim “This has been f~~~ing GREAT for business. I’d come back next year”.
Another man was questioned as he marched, as he had his pants on. He could be heard to say ” I’m doing this for the woman who ran a marathon free bleeding. She had the courage to run a whole race with disgusting, raunchy blood cascading out of her vagina, amongst other things, so for this march, I will just complete the whole thing while s~~~ting my pants.”
A man spewing diarrhea from his sphincter could be seen to be shouting through a megaphone saying “I don’t give a s~~~, NO, YES I DO” and promptly s~~~ on a booth which had been set up by a local woman’s rights organization. He was joined by thousands in this fecal-laden chant.
In scenes reminiscent of 1700’s London, feces poured through the streets, the flow unrestrained. Public Health Officials showed up in droves.
Public Health Officer “Stanton Thairights” told this reporter that “I guess I understand the premise of what these guys are doing, but, I mean, there are other places a guy can take a s~~~. It doesn’t have to be a public affair”, at which point a man lunged into the front seat of his cruiser, and s~~~ all over the dashboard.
City firefighters worked feverishly to hose the streets down, but were attacked by a throng of women with saggy breasts who were now too s~~~ting at will.
Crisis proportions were reached when one man accidentally stood up, revealing his penis; at this point, nearly 800 woman swarmed him, brandishing knives in the attempt to sever his member.
There will be more to come in this s~~~ty development.
DaKay 4 years, 5 months ago.
