Hey Everyone,
Broke up my introduction into categories, so you can peruse more easily. Any feedback/input is appreciated.
Myself: Mid twenties white male, 6′ 3″, 200 pounds, kind athletic, engineering degree, worked in the semiconductor industry as a business analyst for 3 years, then left my job and spent the past few months on 2 different startups. One didn’t go so well, the other I’ll be turning into a non-profit. Feels like recent months I’ve stagnated. A negative viewpoint is that I’m living back at home, no job, playing video games and not working out a lot. The other viewpoint is that I’ve learned a tremendous amount about work, startups, philosophy, and what discipline really is (“Discipline = Freedom” is a new saying I’m embodying). I feel like the “failures” I’ve experienced have broken down my mind and heart, and rebuilt them into hardened, stronger defenses. Now it’s about taking the next steps.
Relationships: Haven’t been in one for a few years now. I’m sure it’s a similar story with many guys: deferring and trusting decisions to a girl, not realizing that I was the one who was supposed to lead. Mentally I swing back and forth from wanting to achieve success so I feel “worthy” of that type of attention, to thinking of just following dating advice like “Models.” But recently, I’ve found that seeking approval from someone who isn’t me results in just a blackhole of inadequacy. Also found that most the time the opinion I have is dependent on how recently I’ve jerked off. All in All, looking forward to the future.
Hangups/Challenges: I grew up in a woman dominated household. My mother is a strong “first wave feminism” type of person. From what I know, her parents died in her 20s, she took care of her 2 sisters, worked hard in college, became a marketing vp back when women didn’t do that, made money with stocks and company mergers, and then settled down and had 1 daughter and me. I jokingly say that my sister was the prototype, and I am the final production run. My dad worked in the same company, made his way up to a high level programmer, married, and now works as a manager in a position that I know he doesn’t like. It feels like the typical no-b~~~~ marriage. Mom commands, father obeys. I totally appreciate how they took care of me as a kid, with education, safety, roof over my head, the whole deal. But I look and see their relationship and ask myself “seriously?” My challenge is that I feel this bulls~~~ need to seek validation in my achievements from my mom, who is just another person on this rock in infinite space. It’s led me to inaction, eating crap food, video games, and a general fear-based mentality. The quote about “people only change out of desperation or inspiration” rings true for me. I’m both, inspired to be who I wish to be, fueled by the desperation I felt in the past few months.
Friends: Have a solid set of guy friends now, where we meet up a few times each month to shoot the s~~~, talk about life, play around with hypothetical scenarios, and help each other get some perspective on wtf we are all doing here in this short life. Girls I talk with now are starting to “hit the wall,” and it’s disappointing but the truth. I’ve chatted with girls in other countries (South America, Thailand), and there’s this warmth that I feel doesn’t really exist here in the U.S. Wanted to join this community because it’ll keep me on track with the man I want to become, not the one that society wishes for me to become. Feel that this community can temper the passion I can feel at times for wanting that “connection.”
Next Steps: For me, I have a simple plan, but wanted to get it down in writing online, and find a community of like minded people who are figuring out things (instead of just talking to talk).
Body: 195 pounds, <12% BF, Squatting 315, Benching 215, Deadlifting 405, Tan, Impeccable clothing (for myself, not just for validation).
Hobbies: Get a motorcycle again (CBR1000RR), psychedelics from time to time, Non-Profit helping the homeless, Travel, and develop a great career in analytics.
Friendships: 4-5 Mentors/Advisors in Business, Fitness, and Mental Health. “Show me your friends and I’ll show you your future” is totally true.
Conclusion: I’m joining this community as a way to help detach myself from the “old me,” and rewrite who I wish to become. There’s so much bad advice that I’ve followed into dead-ends. Instead, I’ve decided to create my own advice and see where it leads. Since death is inevitable, I wish to enjoy life as much as I can in this meat bag. Get super fit, get on point mentally (less distractions like gaming or girls), get the toys I want to enjoy (motorcycle, car), and help others climb out of the hole/cycle of external validation.
Looking forward to reading more and listening and sharing.
Best,
Afterburner
Philby 3 years, 6 months ago.
