Feeling a little "out of phase"

[EyeswideopenParticipant 2930]

Hello Gent’s;

Since becoming suddenly single again about 2 years ago, it has been a turbulent ride to say the least. A little over a year ago, I discovered this site and all the advice within. I am slowly getting my life back on track and I am proud of what I have accomplished so far. I have almost come to terms with the nature of women and the blue pill haze has lifted. The associated red pill rage has mostly dissipated. I have basically accepted the reality of women and relationships. I will never have another LTR, and I am ok with that prospect; I am learning to live life for me.

Over the last 2 years, I have been throwing myself into my work, paid off my new house, and am getting settled. I did not socialize much as a means of coping – I take solace in routine and hard labor.

I am also living by myself for the first time in my life the last 6 months or so. I am finding this challenging but keep busy with solo hobbies like brewing beer, cooking, and research.

I am in my mid-late 30’s and finding it difficult to find male friends to do activities with. All my pre- divorce friends subtly shun me as they are still married, having babies, and amassing a huge load of liability that will more then likely go-boom. I am not angry or resentful towards them.

I understand that my freedom is threatening to their wives as I’m sure they can sense my new found approach to life. I don’t preach, only quietly support where I can. The net result is that they are rarely available to hunt, fish, or watch a movie.

I have tried local clubs, but they are primarily stocked by much older men (divorced), or younger guys who are blue pill and trying to meet Mrs. “Right” and marry.

As such I feel “out of phase”. I have little in common and can’t really relate to the younger generation (early to late 20s) but find it hard to be accepted by older guys (late 40s-50s) who are in a similar situation relationship wise. My own group has not caught up with me yet – although I fear they are a few years behind me until the divorces start. I will be waiting for them with a place to sleep and a beer on the table.

I am not bitching or complaining. I know my situation is nothing compared to some on the forum. I am just wondering if others have experienced this feeling of being “adrift”, and some idea’s how to combat it.

Thanks

- Marriage is described as an institution. You would have to be crazy to be commited to it. -"If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal. Not people or things" Albert Einstein

[AttonParticipant]

You will fall into phase soon enough there exists no reason to worry.

A MGTOW is a man who is not a woman's bitch!

[HitmanParticipant]

i’m a little over 50 and have quite a few friends that are in their mid 30’s up to my age..
you sound like you have yourself together.
don’t give up.
if you like to fish, you will only meet fellow fishermen out fishing…
i’m trying to say ,
go out and do what you love and the company will follow !!!

[Anonymous 42]

Eyeswideopen wrote:

I am just wondering if others have experienced this feeling of being “adrift”, and some idea’s how to combat it.

Noah was “adrift” his arc had no sails, oars, or rudder, he just waited out the storm and one day the land came to him…

[Prefer Peace to PieceParticipant 10809]

Eyeswideopen-

Congradulations. You’ve chosen a good path.

What incredible opportunities await.

It depends on what you find interesting.

After my divorce rape, I took up golf and joined the men’s league at the local golf course.

I joined a sailing club to learn basics.

I wanted to learn about firearms and started taking lessons.

Joined a wine club. There are a million ways to find and interact with people. You just have to take the first step. You’re going to love your newfound freedom. Good luck.

[Agent SmithParticipant 71]

Hi, which country are you from mate?

[experiencedParticipant]

Eyeswideopen wrote:

I am learning to live life for me.

In the olden days it was “live life for me” or “live life for us“.

Today it’s “live life for me” or “live life for her“.

Today you’ve made a wise choice.

"It seems like there's times a body gets struck down so low, there ain't a power on earth that can ever bring him up again. Seems like something inside dies so he don't even want to get up again. But he does."

[Anonymous 0]

@eyeswideopen,

I’m 60 years old. I was separated/divorced 5-6 years ago. Since then, I tried socializing in mixed company but the older single women hit on me pretty hard. At first I enjoyed the attention, but eventually I realized that it came with a lot of drama. The older women try to cut you off from the rest of the group and try to isolate you for themselves. You deflect their advances, and they turn crazy with hate (hell hath no fury like a woman scorned). You cozy up to them, and they figure they own you and can start bossing you around and nagging you.

At first I thought it was just a clash of individual personalities. But I kept running into the same thing no matter what the group or what the venue. It got to the point where I tried to socialize in venues that only men would like: Rod and gun clubs, veteran’s groups. But I still wanted to do more general-interest stuff like events at the local senior center, if I could figure some work-around for the drama and the women.

Also, like you mentioned in the OP: Married couples (especially the wives) may see a single guy as threatening, like I’m going to tempt the husband to want the same kind of freedom, or maybe even try to go to bed with the wife.

Anyway, here’s how I handled it: I recently dug out an old, plain wedding band left over from my first marriage and put it on my ring finger on my right hand (non-marriage hand). I’m telling people that I’m in a long-distance relationship (LDR), my girlfriend lives and works in the next state. I tell people that the ring is kind of a “going steady” thing, and that we put on rings to show that we’re taken and not interested in dating other people. Just to avoid any misunderstandings.

So the ring and the lie about the LDR girlfriend are like camouflage. Now that I’m wearing the ring, older women pass me by (suddenly they can’t be bothered to give me attention), and married couples assume that I’m “safe” and don’t mind socializing with me. When they ask me what our long-term plans are, I say that my girlfriend and I are both comfortable doing the LDR thing. I’m happy not having a woman constantly underfoot, and we don’t worry about plans for the future. We’re just taking it day by day. (Of course, it actually helps that I’ve been in an LDR in the past, so I know how it works for lying purposes.)

Anyway, the point of this long story is that I know what you mean about being “out of phase.” You wouldn’t think a single 60-year-old would have problems socializing. But the older single women bring constant drama, and the married couples kind of look at a single guy as possible trouble. So a little white lie helps to solve the problem. I make like I’m a guy in a relationship, and suddenly I get more acceptance and can choose who *I* want to hang out with. I can even make friends with women and actually keep it at the friendship level (not get hit on). Suddenly I fit in better.

So maybe you can think upon similar lines. Figure out some kind of “work-around” to address the concerns of others. A little camouflage, a little white lie, and then it’s easier to fit in. You can still talk MGTOW. I tell people that an LDR is actually a good way to go: Another version of the “get the milk without buying the cow.” Nice to just see the girlfriend every couple weeks, and then out of sight out of mind. But keep in mind that you have to maintain the lie 100%. People will freak out if it gets out that you’ve been lying to them about a girlfriend.

Meantime, if it gets too awkward or if you meet some real gal that you would like to know better, you can always break up with the fake girlfriend. That’s one nice thing about fake girlfriends: They don’t give you a hard time when it’s time to part ways. 🙂

Anyway, it’s just an idea that seems to be working out for me. Some people will say that you shouldn’t have to lie: Just be yourself, and f~~~ anyone who can’t handle it. But I figure people tell little white lies all the time. Sometimes you have to fudge the truth in order to get past people’s preconceptions. So I’m trying this out, and it seems to help.

[TuneoutParticipant]

Hey brother you’ll always have friends on here,
I like to hunt and fish as well and find it’s a
great way to meet like minded people.

Your on the right track with cooking,home brew & hard work anyway.

Nothing wrong with solitude either,makes you appreciate the little things in life and keep your objective.

Lifes a bitch,but you don't have to marry one!

[EyeswideopenParticipant 2930]

Thanks for all the helpful input. I appreciate it.

I know it’s going to take time – I just find the input of others very helpful.

I like the stealth approach by TwoStep. I use it to keep away the gold diggers as PreferPeaceToPiece has had problems with in the past.

The second they find out I am a doctor they get this glint in their eyes – like a fat kid salivating over a chocolate bar. I drive a cheap car, and wear jeans and a t-shirt as my normal wear as my stealth. Never occurred to me to have a fake girlfriend as a LDR cover- very interesting indeed. ? This might backfire at my age group as involved men are high value targets for hypergamous women as I have proven beta wallet potential.

Golf might be a possibility – I Will look into it.

I am an avid scuba diver; so this has helped a lot also.

@Stealthy/Bunker Mode/BatCave- always get a chuckle out of your posts.

What I love about camping/hunting/fishing is that it’s not conversation driven. Dealing with the public all day wears on me sometimes – having quite companionship is awesome.

- Marriage is described as an institution. You would have to be crazy to be commited to it. -"If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal. Not people or things" Albert Einstein

[Anonymous 0]

Eyeswideopen wrote:

[…] Never occurred to me to have a fake girlfriend as a LDR cover- very interesting indeed. ? This might backfire at my age group as involved men are high value targets for hypergamous women as I have proven beta wallet potential. […]

Unscrupulous women (and that’s a lot of them) will try to ignore the ring and come on to you anyway. They’ll figure that the girlfriend isn’t around to complain. Or they’ll argue that an LDR isn’t a “real” relationship–it’s just a glorified FWB relationship.

But still, the story and the ring will blunt their edge. You can insist that you’re serious about the ring and the relationship and tell them to back off. And there’s nothing they can do about it. They can’t play the “scorned woman” role or insist that you deceived them in some manner, because they knew up front that you were taken. In other words, it cuts out a lot of drama by giving you the moral high ground.

Single older woman are all about landing a meal ticket (health care, nice housing) all the way into old age. So they are pretty damned desperate and aggressive. I could tell you some horror stories. But they seem to respect the ring. Or at least, it signals that I’ll be too much trouble. Nowadays I see them out of the corner of my eye checking out my hand, stopping for a couple seconds to figure out what it means, and then moving on. That alone is a big improvement, compared to the past when they would see that there wasn’t a ring on my finger and start floating around me trying to get my attention.

I only started wearing the ring very recently. I’ll have to report back in coming months. But I like how it works so far.

[BrainPilotParticipant 7640]

At eyes wide open…
Also a doctor… Some similar issues here. I never tried that ring-camouflage move, but I might. Aside from that, getting a crew together seems harder than it is. But it is hard enough. The advice above is good advice however. The friends I have ended up making as a single person have almost all come from random connections made while out pursuing some interest on my own. It is true that you/we are a bit threatening to married women/couples, but for the same reasons, we are more easily approachable from other singles. The important thing is to get out of the house in pursuit of any interest that you have, which creates permissive conditions to run into other people who are exactly in phase with you…

Look, it's not my fault that tornado dropped a house on your sister. Now get back on your broom and get your ass out of here... and take your monkeys with you

[KeymasterKeymaster]

Eyeswideopen wrote:

I am just wondering if others have experienced this feeling of being “adrift”, and some idea’s how to combat it.

Yes of course, but I look at it this way using this example….

• I dont have kids. (at least none I am aware of)

• Now If I had kids, then I wouldn’t feel “lost” at times, because now my purpose is cemented and so am I. There would be no opportunity to QUESTION anything. The next +18 years would be mapped out FOR me, and I would be LUCKY to get 15 undistracted minutes in a room to myself with my own thoughts.

I am not entirely sure which book I read it in, but I once read “slavery” is the natural state for men. GROSS over simplification but you know what I am talking about.

• You fired from a job…… What’s the first thing you do???
Go open your own business? Or look for another job?
The man is more likely to look to enslave himself.

• You just get let out of prison…… What’s the first thing you do???
Go look for a job? Or go commit a crime so you can go back to what you know.
The man is more likely to look to enslave himself.

• You just get divorced….. what’s the first thing a man does?
Gets another girlfriend because he felt “empty” without one and then marries again.
The man is more likely to look to enslave himself again.

That’s called “institutionalized”. You have been socialized since before you could formulate a thought to think you need to enslave yourself. To sign up to be TOLD what to do and who to serve.

Now I don’t really think “slavery is the natural state for man”…. but the more I see this s~~~, the more it blows my mind. Divorced men getting married again are they INSANE???

Another example… to start your own business is VERY scary. TERRIFYING. Because there is no umbrella above you. You are it. It all flows down from you now. I understand why a man would say “f~~~ this s~~~, I’m going to get a job and work for someone else and be a mindless drone”. I get it. That’s can be actually tempting when you are feeling out of phase.

A man tends to lock himself into something that he can COUNT on.
Even if it’s not good for him. Even if he KNOWS it’s not good for him.

It’s an ongoing struggle.

So if you don’t mind me using your terms….. what you call “out of phase” or feeling adrift, I would call an “opportunity” to create more opportunity for oneself.

—

I hope I came across here, but I trust @sidecar will be along and be able to stay it better in 2 sentences better than I ever could. I tend to get wordy, but I don’t have the time to make it shorter. 🙂

If you keep doing what you've always done... you're gonna keep getting what you always got.

[Anonymous 24]

You are not alone Eyeswideopen. I have only 2 intelligent, informed MGTOW friends in real life. Others that I hang out with at all are friends who share an interest, and outside of that interest they are blue pill as f~~~. Also, alone time is good, read books, play games online, ride bikes, go hiking… whatever YOU want to do with your time.

This is a price you pay for being at least semi-enlightened (who knows how much any of us are really) adrift in a sea of sheeple.

[EyeswideopenParticipant 2930]

@keymaster –
Thank you for the advice!!.

It is an opportunity; I did not consider it in those terms. I just had a Erika moment. I think it is mixed emotions. If I introspect and break it down 2 things come to mind – the need for male friendship and the need for a goal. The companionship will take time as outlined above.

I am a hyper type A personality if you subscribe to those sociological theories. For the first time in my life I don’t have a goal. First it was getting high marks in high school, then undergrad, then med school, then managing the ex’s life.(A full time job – former captain save a hoe).

I guess on a lot of levels I was a slave to the achievements and challenge. I will have to process this more but it might be time for a new goal – maybe learning how to be “free”.

No worries about me ever getting married/cohabiting again – sum zero game at best. Although I do enjoy a little piece of tail every now and then.

If memory serves the slavery aspect comes from the Manipulated Man.

@brainpilot – good to see posts from you again. I have found your submissions very insightful and of much help. You were one of the founding members a few months before I joined – your posts help immensely when I was at ground zero of my relationship. Thank-you.

- Marriage is described as an institution. You would have to be crazy to be commited to it. -"If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal. Not people or things" Albert Einstein

[BrainPilotParticipant 7640]

@ eyeswideopen

Very humbled by this. Whatever it was I wrote wherein you found some benefit, you’re welcome. It’s good to be back when I can. But starting a business, new hobbies, house remodel etc left less time to post here as often as I once did. At some point though, I looked back at all the posts I had written and started to think that I had already posted most of what I knew and most of the insights I’d had over the years.

Reading your post though, and looking back, I got some insight into my own life. At about 33, I finally got out of training and they turned me loose to go earn money, and I went a little nuts. I had grown up poor and when the last barrier between me and realistic money was behind me, I felt like a had some kind of score to settle. In subsequent years, I worked 42 consecutive days without a day off, up to 32 hours at a time, and went for several years without a vacation. I set some production records that still stand to this day. And at some point, I settled whatever score it was I thought was there to settle.

When I realized that having several times more money than I needed to pay my bills had not made me several times happier, I tried to slow down and get a balance between work and personal life. That was about 6 years ago. It was a struggle when I first started. 6 years later, it is still a struggle.

By the time I started trying to slow down on career, all of my friends and peers were blue pill slaves. I was advised to find things that I liked, and then look for other people who also liked them. I was never much of a sports player, but there are bowling, softball, basketball leagues in almost every city. I don’t advise anyone to ride a motorcycle, but if you already do, or ever even considered it, that community is enormously welcoming to any new member. Ditto surfing, boating/fishing, skiing, scuba diving communities. Something about working toward a common goal, being on a common competing team, and taking risks together bonds people somehow.

Charities like Lions, Elks, Shriners etc are a pretty easy fit for almost anyone. (Be advised that books for women on how to be a successful gold digger describe charity events as a target rich environment for men with income to spare.)

If you’re at all like me, you worked so hard and were so focused that you likely have no idea what you like, and what your interests are. So, look at the suggestions above, and look at what’s available in your area (mountains, oceans, whatever), and then treat it like a research project. A couple days a month sitting in on a random class/lecture. A couple days a month on a sport you never tried before… etc. And at the end of the month, make some decisions based on that experience about the plans for the next month.

Even the things you try that don’t interest you will bring you into contact with new people. I did this and the insight I got from it is 1) that you are not alone in this struggle, and 2) that almost everyone wants to have other people along sharing whatever is most fun for them…

Your biggest challenge here might be just figuring out what’s fun for you.

Look, it's not my fault that tornado dropped a house on your sister. Now get back on your broom and get your ass out of here... and take your monkeys with you

[EyeswideopenParticipant 2930]

My apologies for the late reply – I had a swath of shifts that were particularly hectic.

BrainPilot wrote:

Very humbled by this. Whatever it was I wrote wherein you found some benefit, you’re welcome.

The passage that you wrote that I found particularly helpful was relating to idealism and choices in women. At that period I was feeling particularly low as the full ramifications of how the ex manipulated, devalued, and discarded me were at the forefront. I was wrestling with how I could have been so blind/naive. While naivety played a role, idealism described the situation more aptly. Idealism is a double edge sword for men – it allows you to dream and aspire to greater things, but left unchecked leaves you prone to wanton manipulation. I was, and still am idealistic – I need to be to achieve, grow and function. Women have simply taught me to not invest that idealism in them. You found the words for what I was feeling when I could not. For that I thank-you.

BrainPilot wrote:

At about 33, I finally got out of training and they turned me loose to go earn money, and I went a little nuts. I had grown up poor and when the last barrier between me and realistic money was behind me, I felt like a had some kind of score to settle. In subsequent years, I worked 42 consecutive days without a day off, up to 32 hours at a time, and went for several years without a vacation. I set some production records that still stand to this day. And at some point, I settled whatever score it was I thought was there to settle.

I can relate. I grew up poor as well.
My parents provided a very stable, traditional, European, nuclear family environment. I was taught to live frugal and work hard. My grandparents were of the WW2 generation and knew the horrors of rationing; this rubbed off on me in my formative years. I had, and still do to a lessor extent, this fear of not being able to provide for myself. I saved, and saved and saved – this did not multiply my happiness. I worked so many consecutive days one year that HR forced me to take vacation – this was after my relationship expired. I was settling a score with myself as well as providing a needless financial safety net for the insecurity I was feeling in my personal life.

BrainPilot wrote:

If you’re at all like me, you worked so hard and were so focused that you likely have no idea what you like, and what your interests are. So, look at the suggestions above, and look at what’s available in your area (mountains, oceans, whatever), and then treat it like a research project. A couple days a month sitting in on a random class/lecture. A couple days a month on a sport you never tried before… etc. And at the end of the month, make some decisions based on that experience about the plans for the next month.

Very true.

I have a few interests, but as you know, being in school for so long, personal hobbies and interests always took the back burner. The ex-wife latched onto me while I was completing residency – since I had such a poor reference point as to my interests she assigned them to me. I was more than happy to go along. This is the systemic institutionalization that Keymaster was referring too.

She eventually got bored and jumped back on the carousel. This hit me two fold – loss of the relationship and a partial loss of identity. The old joke in school was that no-one likes to be married to a doctor but divorced from one. This is so true.

Good suggestions on discovering my likes and dislikes. I will start towards those ends.

BrainPilot wrote:

Your biggest challenge here might be just figuring out what’s fun for you.

I think you are 100% correct. This will take time. I have many lost years to catch up on.

- Marriage is described as an institution. You would have to be crazy to be commited to it. -"If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal. Not people or things" Albert Einstein

[RumParticipant 59]

Hello Eyeswideopen,

Sadly I cannot give you advice how to deal with a break-up like that having part of your identity tied to it, as I had the fortune to never to experience such a thing. But I know very well what you mean by suddenly noticing the lack of friends.

I have lost many friends over time, mostly due to the simple fact they got married and their wives did not like me. Or actually, do not like their husbands spending time with me. For me, it has proven to be not that easy to replace them, but having good acquaintances also work out. I’ve seen some good advice given that I followed too to some extent. But besides that, and that is something I did not see mentioned, you also may want to consider spending time with your father if you still have that option.

I occassionally go with him to short city trips and things like that. Just to get him away from my mother, and to see his opinions and views without my mother’s interferrence if you know what I mean. I am also in my late thirties, and I am glad that I have and taken the opportunity to spend time with my father alone. Before you know it, he could be gone.

Strange times are these in which we live when old and young are taught falsehoods in school. And the person that dares to tell the truth is called at once a lunatic and a fool. -Plato

[EyeswideopenParticipant 2930]

Hello Rum;

Rum wrote:

spending time with your father

I am fortunate to see my father almost daily. We have a close relationship. I also have a close relationship with my mom – she is a woman and will nag, manipulate, and interfere in issues that are none of her concern, but she has always been loyal to my father and does not display the same level of hypergamy of the modern day skanks. I accept that for what it is.

I am looking to branch out to people with similar hobbies. I have discovered that the modern female is for sex alone. Forget about loyalty or companionship.

Thanks for reading.

- Marriage is described as an institution. You would have to be crazy to be commited to it. -"If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal. Not people or things" Albert Einstein

[RumParticipant 59]

That is good to hear. She sounds like my mother, but it remains good to spend time with either parent alone at times.

Then I misunderstood your question. It seems to me that you are not looking for fun past times but rather companionship to share hobby activities with. Going for solo hobbies might not be the easiest way to find people with similiar hobbies, unless you find the proper community spots lacking a better word. But that may really depend on your location. I found a go club for example, and get to spend some time there.

The one thing I learned is that it actually does not matter that much what I do to entertain myself, as long as it stimulates my mind and the company is good. Variety is spice of life I believe the saying goes.

Personally, I do not bother with sex much myself anymore either so that is another reason less. But I may get stuck in the companionship longing now and then for brief moments until I stop enjoying these moments. We all have our weak spots.

Strange times are these in which we live when old and young are taught falsehoods in school. And the person that dares to tell the truth is called at once a lunatic and a fool. -Plato

[Author]

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