Exorcising the inner demons

[Soul ManParticipant 1856]

I’m not looking for sympathy or for anyone to feel sorry for me.  I just want to state that up front.  I just want to share some things I go through from time to time.  Maybe someone else here can know he isn’t alone in his struggles.  Hell, maybe that someone is me…anyway….

I sit here at this computer at 3:30am on a Wednesday morning looking at MGTOW.com like the warm campfire calling me in from the cold dark night.  I just got home from the 24 hour gym.

I don’t even know where to start without just sounding like I am rambling aimlessly.  As I alluded to in another post, things still sneak up on me occasionally.  Those damn demons that I thought had been exorcised come back to haunt me from time to time.  You see, I had someone that I thought was really different.  I loved that damn woman like I had never loved another…and I’ve had lots of women in my past.  Anyway, I had a pretty decent job out west with a pretty normal schedule.  My office was outside in the Rocky Mountains.  I’m from Dallas but I can make my home pretty much anywhere.  I don’t particularly have anything tying me down to Dallas but here I am again.  You see, I gave up my job and moved back to Dallas just to make her happy and try to salvage our marriage.  She promised me she would work on our marriage with me if  I would just move her back home to Dallas so she could be close to her family.  We have a beautiful little boy so I had a lot riding on the line.  So, I moved us all back to Dallas.  She lied.  She left as soon as we got back here.  She split my family up.  She split my family up because she is a self-serving, selfish, narcissistic, irresponsible, immature little girl in a woman’s body.  This is certainly not my first rodeo with worthless women.  However, I had fallen so hard for her in the beginning because she really did come off as “different” from all other women with which I had been previously involved.  It was only after having a child that she revealed what a monster she truly was.  You see, I was a bad husband because I came straight home from work every night to my family.  I was a bad husband because I put food on the table and a roof over our head.  I was a bad husband because I was a good father to our child.  I was a bad husband for bailing her out of her own stupidity time and time again.  It’s been 2 years since we split.  It has taken me that long to figure out that I got the living s~~~ kicked out of me for just doing what was right and being an honorable man.  That leaves some very deep scars on a man.  Trust is a thing of the past.  Love for half of humanity is replaced by indifference and even outrage at times.  She did something that no other trial, tribulation, or other person has been able to do to me in my lifetime;  she took a piece of my humanity from me.  How do you deal with that?  This is a new one on me and I’m still trying to figure out how to process that.

Now I work hellacious hours.  I live on the opposite end of the clock from 99.9% of society.  When I’m not working, I’m busy doing my best to be the best daddy a little boy could have.  There is little left for me.  I feel like I give myself away 24×7.  I can’t enjoy a normal social life because of all the responsibility.  I once again live in the sprawling suburban hell hole I so desperately wanted to escape years ago. I have literally been running a non-stop marathon for the past 2 years.  Sure, hindsight is 20/20.  I coulda, shoulda, woulda….but I didn’t.  Shame on me for trusting another human being.  She just reinforces my belief that one must be very discerning in who one chooses to trust.  I feel as if almost anyone can turn on me on a dime.  That feeling p~~~es me off.  She did that to me and I unwittingly let her get away with it because I wanted to believe in her and trust her.  You see, I can’t make my mind up sometimes who I am more angry with, her or me?  Just when I think I have made peace with myself, I turn around and kick the living s~~~ out of myself again.  That’s a rotten place to be my friends.

This is what was on my mind tonight as I am slinging iron in the gym tonight at 1am.  Although I know this town well, I caught myself just driving aimlessly in the wrong direction when I left the gym.  I guess I could blame it on post-workout endorphins.  Maybe my personal demons were behind the wheel.  My mind was blank…it was a flood of thoughts…it was a singularity of thought….all at once.  I had that 1,000 yard stare as I’m driving to God knows where.  Well, I realized I was going in the opposite direction from home and turned around.  Here I am at MGTOW.com.

If we have faith in something bigger than ourselves, we always find our way home.  YMMV…

Have a good night.

Soul Man

HISTORY...learn from it, memorize it, DON'T repeat it...

[AussieBlokeParticipant 144]

Peace Brother, I wish you inner peace, I hope you find it.

The harder the fight the sweeter the victory

[AlbertParticipant 646]

Great to see you back on the forum Soul-Man. Wishing you every future happiness my friend.

 

E=MC² Bitch

[Soul ManParticipant 1856]

Thank you for the kind thoughts guys.  I really appreciate it.  I don’t mean to come off as a sad sack because I am not. It’s just I spend most of my non-working hours caring for my little boy.  All other times I am usually at work. His mother is a complete jack-off when it comes to working and general responsibility.  She will spend her last dollar taking her f~~~ing dog to the vet as the eviction notice is being taped to her door and her car is literally running out of gas.  Sad thing is she really is old enough to know better. Anyway…

My son is old enough now that he asks questions about the state of our situation.  I do my best to answer him honestly but in a way that a small child can process.  Frankly it p~~~es me off that I am in a position where I have to address these questions. It’s not his fault. He wants to understand.  The thing is I don’t even fully understand yet. I mean I do but I don’t if you know what I mean.  So those questions and that angelic innocent face asking them really set me spinning at times.  They stir up the demons for me. I wish I could just fix everything for him but I can’t…not at least right now.  Perhaps one day soon…

HISTORY...learn from it, memorize it, DON'T repeat it...

[Lazarus LongParticipant 365]

Soul Man I am not quite in the same situation but it is similar enough in my opinion. My ex-wife walked out of my childrens lives for several months and then just expected that she would be given anything she wanted when she came back. She cannot hold a job and like you is always in debt, having vehicles repossessed, evictions from housing etc. It is really hard to explain it to my kids when they tell me that they miss their mother.

I was so angry at everything for such a long time, and I was even making sure she had the opportunity to see them a couple times a week but after I finally got fed up with the gutter trash that she hung out with being around my children I told her to screw off and I have not let her see them since. I realize that the only reason I am in as good a situation I am in is because she was such a f~~~ing screw up that she did not bother to show up for the divorce hearing so the judge just signed the paperwork as is.

Honestly the only thing that has really gotten me past the anger was finding this place. I am sure you already know this but I cannot express enough how much this place means to me, and I greatly appreciate the time and energy that people like KeyMaster put into it as well as the people who take the time to post here and expose the s~~~ that is happening in their life. Knowing I am not alone in this has been a comfort and I hope you feel this is a safe place as well.

Willfully turning aside from the truth is treason to one's self. -Terry Goodkind

[FangParticipant 102]

I can’t speak for anyone else but I tend to think that we all experience what you are going through. It’s  a form of PTSD I guess. My biggest “demon,” that is the one I do battle with most, goes back to 1976. Seems like yesterday.

My jobs are highly stressful. Those days when sugar turns to s~~~ in 250 milliseconds and I barely scrape by with my ass in one piece are the worst. I’m calm and cool and collected of course…until I get home. That’s when the shakes start. Nausea shortly follows as I analyze things and second guess myself over and over. Then it gets worse because I can’t limit my mental self-torment to the day’s events or even to professional issues. No, I or my subconscious has to bring up everything going back to my s~~~ty childhood and family and of course my myriad relationships, or perhaps I should say “failed relationships.”

I think about those “girls” that I loved so hard it hurt. I’ve been shot in the head and I’ve been shot in my stomach and I’ve had my face broken…none of it even comes remotely close to the pain caused by love. And I have to relive it time and time again. And I think about those that I planned my whole future around…I put everything I had into it…literally. Then when they said goodbye my future left with them and I didn’t think it was possible to feel so lost.

I wish I could give you some advice on how to handle it. The usual “look on the bright side” or “it could be worse” or “man look at poor John Doe…I’m glad I’m not him!” is all a bunch of crap. There are no words of comfort. I can’t speak to drugs but drinking seems to make things worse. What a brilliant idea…I’m depressed as Hell so why don’t I drink a bottle of depressant?

What helps me the most is the realization that I’ll never have to go through it again. Reading and contributing to these forums reinforces that knowledge and it actually provides a tangible, measurable degree of comfort. I hope MGTOW is as beneficial to you as its been to me. Good luck Soul Man.

[bigboy83Participant 11312]

That’s what’s good about mgtow, it can start healing the wounds from the past.

“Associate yourself with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation, for tis better to be alone than in bad company.”

-George Washington

Shit Tested, Cunt Approved.

[RennieParticipant]

Fang wrote:

I can’t speak for anyone else but I tend to think that we all experience what you are going through. It’s a form of PTSD I guess. My biggest “demon,” that is the one I do battle with most, goes back to 1976. Seems like yesterday. My jobs are highly stressful. Those days when sugar turns to s~~~ in 250 milliseconds and I barely scrape by with my ass in one piece are the worst. I’m calm and cool and collected of course…until I get home. That’s when the shakes start. Nausea shortly follows as I analyze things and second guess myself over and over. Then it gets worse because I can’t limit my mental self-torment to the day’s events or even to professional issues. No, I or my subconscious has to bring up everything going back to my s~~~ty childhood and family and of course my myriad relationships, or perhaps I should say “failed relationships.” I think about those “girls” that I loved so hard it hurt. I’ve been shot in the head and I’ve been shot in my stomach and I’ve had my face broken…none of it even comes remotely close to the pain caused by love. And I have to relive it time and time again. And I think about those that I planned my whole future around…I put everything I had into it…literally. Then when they said goodbye my future left with them and I didn’t think it was possible to feel so lost. I wish I could give you some advice on how to handle it. The usual “look on the bright side” or “it could be worse” or “man look at poor John Doe…I’m glad I’m not him!” is all a bunch of crap. There are no words of comfort. I can’t speak to drugs but drinking seems to make things worse. What a brilliant idea…I’m depressed as Hell so why don’t I drink a bottle of depressant? What helps me the most is the realization that I’ll never have to go through it again. Reading and contributing to these forums reinforces that knowledge and it actually provides a tangible, measurable degree of comfort. I hope MGTOW is as beneficial to you as its been to me. Good luck Soul Man.

I can relate to that, I put everything I had mentally into the various girls. In the end I just couldn’t do it anymore, I had to stop for my own well being. It’s been years since I had any dealings with women (romantically) and I still can’t muster it.

[AlmostNiceGuyParticipant 210]

 

@Soul Man While not the most kind words, not meaning to offend such a legend of the movement and such an inspiration to young men everywhere including myself, I feel that you of all people could understand why I put this. Even though I know no words that I can say can help soothe, or any experiences I have had (few however), I know that you will rise above these demons. You have had to face many obstacles, from a “shapeshifter” to economic and social distress, but you have risen above them. And all I can truly say that I hope helps you is that you are in a safe haven right now. This is the unspoken brotherhood of men today, and so remember we protect our own. Wish you the best, stay strong, and I hope that you will be able to rise above such troubles.

Sincerely-AlmostNiceGuy

[TomParticipant 3]

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

Steve Jobs

This quote hit me like a ton of bricks when I was going through the same things many on this forum has described. Once I started living for myself my life had gotten 1000% better , I no longer try to figure it out , I just live.

 

 

[Soul ManParticipant 1856]

Man that quote from Henry Rollins is soooooo f~~~ing true.  I am never offended by the unabated truth.  I think we all need a reminder from time to time to give us a new wind in our sails.  The positives I have going for me is I have way more good days than bad.  I also have other men here that understand the s~~~ I experience.  The battle can make one weary from time to time…but it’s nice to know my spirit can come here and drink deeply from this well.

HISTORY...learn from it, memorize it, DON'T repeat it...

[harpo-my-“SON”Participant 2410]

The picture you put at the end of your post says a lot. You have been doing what a lot of us have already been through. looking inwards at our-self. looking in the mirror if you will.  Asking how do I let this anger out if I know not who I am most angry at. Looking deep into ones own being is a painful but necessary  part of your healing. We cannot overcome those shortcomings we are not aware of. I cannot figure any of it out for you, but rest assured I recognize at what stage your experiencing. Your mirror is close to becoming a window. Shortly you will be looking out that window more and more. When you figure it out for yourself and you will, it will be as if your anger is the very chair your sitting in. It will feel like you tossed the chair (your anger) through that window and climbed out after it. Then used the broken wood for that campfire.   Keep perspective when dealing with your son. He has no expectations and is unaware anything is broken or needs fixing. This may or may not help in your situation. My father must have felt the way you do now when I asked him some tough questions.

I remember asking my dad when I was very young some questions about our broken family such as where is momma or why we don’t live together . I never faulted him for this response as I look back now and know how honest and true it really was. He would always put me at ease with a smile then say “I don’t know I am trying to figure that out myself and when I figure it out I will let you know.”  He never overcomplicated anything but kept it simple as possible.

We are here for you. be strong

I was bound to be misunderstood, and I laugh at those who misunderstand me. Kind mockery at the well intentioned, but unfettered cruelty towards those would be prison guards of my creative possibilities. This so as to learn as much from misunderstanding as from understanding. Taking pleasure in worthy opponents and making language fluid and flowing like a river yet pointed and precise as a dagger. Contradicts the socialistic purpose of language and makes for a wonderful linguistic dance, A verbal martial art with constant parries that hone the weapon that is the two edged sword of my mouth.

[KeymasterKeymaster]

I don’t remember who said it, but it was one of the guys here who said:

“The majority of problems in a man’s life come from not having the time or luxury to sit in a room by himself”.

So when you find yourself going to the gym at 1:00 AM or are out for a drive in the middle of night and it’s just you and an open road…. remember that too many men would trade places with you in a heartbeat. I can’t even tell you how many married guys I know who dread going home. They will even stay at work longer or find an excuse to hit the pub to quietly gaze at a screen playing the hockey game just to have SOME time of their own before they subject themselves to another 9 hour shift of trying to make someone ELSE “happy”… after working all day to make the boss happy.

Perhaps you’ll find some solace in that.

Thanks for sharing, soulman.

If you keep doing what you've always done... you're gonna keep getting what you always got.

[Smitty the Great OneParticipant 1535]

Well my man, you’re still breathing, just keep doing that. Without breathing, nothing else will matter. Yeah, you got suckered again, but you knew that already. Each time you get broken, your soul gets a little more twisted, and your outlook bent. We aren’t young anymore, we have all but lost the power and beauty of our youth completely. You will carry this with you to the grave, and that’s ok. We all have those kinds of scars, they are constant reminders of battles won and lost. Now what is left for you to do is fill the unforgiving minute with 60 seconds worth of distance running.

Changing the world we live in is too big for anyone man besides Jesus, you Soulman, my good sir are NOT Jesus. You will survive this calamity, and in the telling you might just pay it forward for someone else to benefit. Changing yourself, your outlook, your situation is all within your control, and I know you can do and be anything you please. By focusing on you, and what you can do to make you better you ARE one small piece in changing the world.

MGTOW is in and of itself an attempt to make a bigger change though many different individual changes. Each man going his own way, in an ever upward arc of improvement only increases our numbers, and begins the paradigm shift. Time heals all wounds, but you have to give time… time. A man’s attitude is reflected in his future, hold on to this and this will wok themselves out, in the fullness of time.

Be good to you my brother…..

Life is too long to play by someone elses rules....

[Soul ManParticipant 1856]

Thanks Smitty…I may have not said it before but I always get a real kick out of reading your writings.  We likely have a few things in common I suspect.   Thanks for being here brother.  I am definitely IN this world but NOT of this world if you catch my drift.  I struggle with the hypocrisy that comes with living in this world.  I’m not worthy but saved by grace.  I think I know how Peter must have felt in some small measure.  The road to redemption is narrow.  The path to destruction is wide.  I’m trying hard to just stay out of the ditch.   🙂

HISTORY...learn from it, memorize it, DON'T repeat it...

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