Demisexual Unusual Problem

[ShamelessGitParticipant 0]

I’m posting here mostly cuz I have a personal problem that I’d like help with.  Probably nobody who is reading this has ever heard of it or will ever have to deal with it.  I hope you can be patient.  Put simply I think my problem is that my brain works differently than other people, but I can’t know for sure because I can’t directly experience what other people experience.  I think I’ve figured out what my problem is, so I’ll try to describe it, and hopefully a neurotypical man will reply and tell me if he thinks what I said makes sense.

To explain my problem, I think I have to describe briefly how I think a normal person works.  I’ll try to be brief because I think there is a lot of redpill stuff on the internet can explain Game better than me.  Basically I think there are lots of needs a person has, like desires (sex, hunger, sleep, etc), and then there are also more complicated emotional needs.  I think that in a normally functioning person, there is a corresponding built-in method for attaining any given need.  For instance, if you feel horny, an appropriate (largely instinctive) response would be to flirt with a woman, and then to get an erection when the time came.  To get emotional intimacy, you’d have to do a lot of things to make friends, like smile (nonverbal language is basically instinctive), talk about things other people were interested in, etc.  I think a normal man has a sexual urge kind of like hunger in that it builds up if it isn’t satisfied, and pretty women are the equivalent to tasty food in this analogy.  I think for normal people, they have a set of emotional responses which are designed to get emotional intimacy with people of the same gender, and they have a different set of emotional responses to get sex/relationships from the opposite gender.  You wouldn’t flirt with or neg your manfriend, and you wouldn’t treat your girlfriend like a man (rational and responsible adult).  Friendship and romance come from different places for most people, which is why there is a thing called the friend-zone.

 

My problem I think is that I’m almost completely missing the appropriate emotional responses for interacting with women.  I am pretty sure I’m heterosexual, but I’ve never (not even once) gotten an erection or felt like having sex just from seeing a pretty woman.  I think porn is boring.  I have never spontaneously flirted with anyone, and I have never enjoyed being flirted with, even if the woman was pretty.  I have heard people talk about sexual tension and being excited before sex, but I have never experienced this.  I will lose the erection if I feel tense or in any way uncomfortable.  The problem is that I still have a sexual drive which I assume is similar to most men (which I described using the hunger analogy).  So I have a general desire to interact with and have sex with women, but I have no way of effectively acting on this impulse.  I dislike flirting and romance.  I think using the hunger for sex analogy, it would be as if you could feel hunger, but you didn’t see any food as appetizing.  So pizza wouldn’t make you salivate any more than bricks.  Of course in the food analogy, you could always shove a pizza in your mouth even if you didn’t think it was appetizing, but I don’t have conscious control over what my dick does, so it is not so simple for me.  So because I feel a general hunger for women, but I lack the appropriate means of acting on this impulse, I have tried to fulfill my sexual desires with women by making friends with them my whole life.  Since you’re all red pill here, I’m sure you’ll realize that was (and still is) extremely dysfunctional.  I have never wanted to have sex with a woman who I didn’t think was a good friend (meaning that I go months at a time without feeling aroused, because most women are s~~~ty friends), and I have never wanted to be friends with a pretty woman who I didn’t also want to have sex with.  I have been told before that this is beta conditioning.  I know that I was ignorant of a lot of things a few years ago, but I don’t think you can brainwash a neurotypical man so thoroughly that he can watch porn for half an hour and quit out of boredom without even touching himself or getting hard (I did this a few weeks ago out of curiosity).

I looked up some stats on OKCupid a while ago, and it said that the ugliest men sending messages to the prettiest women had a reply rate of about 10%.  The average man had a reply rate of 40%.  I have a reply rate of close to 0.  I know that my profile isn’t that bad, because women sometimes message me, and I’ve even had offers for FWB from women just because she liked my profile picture.  I think the reason why my reply rate is so low that my messages are completely devoid of any romantic/flirty stuff that probably even normal blue-pill beta men can accidentally do sometimes.

 

I have actually tried PUA in high school.  I got my first girlfriend a week after I first looked into PUA, and I got another one after that, and a few offers for sex.  But I felt disgusted by the whole thing, so I didn’t like any of the women who I attracted this way, and I could not get erections (I actually tried it once, and that’s when I found out about my erection problem).  I thought at the time that PUA was fake and my relationships weren’t satisfying because of it.  But now I think the problem was with me, and not PUA.  If I were a normal man, I think I should have been able at the very least to get some satisfaction out of casual sex.  I assume that the revulsion I felt at PUA would be similar to the revulsion a normal man would feel if another man tried to use PUA on him.  Remember I’m missing (or so I think) the romantic part of my brain, so I can only receive women’s flirtations to the platonic part of my brain, the same way that women probably receive my platonic messages in the romantic part of their brains, and I assume that we are both equally repulsed.

 

I have actually had sex before.  The woman had asperger’s syndrome (I think I might also), and she didn’t seem to understand flirting and relationships either.  I guess we were both mentally deficient in a mutually compatible way.  Although I really wanted to have sex with her, I often had erection problems, because just looking at her (although I thought she was pretty) did not get me up.  I found that I had to be totally relaxed in order to get an erection, so I’d often get a raging hard on and get suddenly horny as I was falling asleep (often after trying and failing to have sex a few minutes earlier).  I felt very emotionally close to her.  To me, this experience seems very different than what most men describe.  I think in the absence of feeling aroused just by visual stimulation, my sexual experiences are more like aided masturbation than a genuinely partnered sexual experience.  I think a normal man can imagine that it would be very difficult to masturbate in the presence of a person who he is not sexually attracted to.  Probably he can imagine that it would require a great deal of emotional intimacy (or at least trust) in order to masturbate when somebody you weren’t attracted to was watching you.  Since I don’t really get aroused like a normal person, that is how I feel when I try to have sex, even with pretty women that I like.  It makes things rather difficult.

Before I had thought of this, I called myself demisexual, because I am basically incapable of having casual sex.  Asexuals and demisexuals describe themselves as being romantic rather than sexual.  But if they are like me, then I think it would be more appropriate to say (at least for the demisexuals) that they are sexual but utterly unromantic.  This ironically forces them (if they are like me) to try to release their sexual urges through platonic relationships, which on the surface appear very romantic due to the emotional intimacy.

And just to clear a few things up (I have discussed this briefly on the internet before, and I got some misconceptions): the doctor says that Viagra will not help me if I do not feel arousal.  I actually do have below-average testosterone, but I don’t think that’s the problem because I can masturbate whenever I want without issue, possibly up to several times a day (although I very rarely do this).  I’ve never had trouble with hand jobs and blow jobs, only with intercourse.  Somehow getting completely naked and trying to thrust into another person feels a lot more personal and awkward than hand jobs and blow jobs.  Probably normal men could cum just off the physical stimulation if another guy gave him a hand job, but he’d have difficulty trying to penetrate another guy’s ass even if he were paid a million dollars to do it (you can correct me if I’m wrong on this).  I can grow a beard and I can do 100 pushups, and I’m graduating with a physics degree next month.  It’s not like I’m lazy, obese, and talentless, which is something that everybody seems to assume whenever I talk about this.  And although I don’t really feel arousal like normal man, I still want sex with women.  I find that masturbation can take the edge of the hunger, but it never makes me feel satisfied.  For most of my life I have felt high-strung and a bit grumpy, and sex with my girlfriend was the only thing that really made me genuinely calm and relaxed.  Of course, after a few years you get used to feeling high-strung and grumpy all the time.

 

So I suppose if you’v read the whole thing and not gotten bored or repulsed yet, then you can tell me if what you think I said makes sense, and if you have any advice.  So far as I can tell, the only option for me is to find a woman who is mentally deficient in a mutually compatible way, which is extremely difficult to do.  Most women obviously have normally functioning brains, which means that my lack of romance will repulse them, and even those who are abnormal don’t necessarily have a mutually compatible abnormality.  For reasons I don’t want to go into (this post is already very long), my ex doesn’t want to be with me anymore, and it’s been a few years since I’ve been with her.  When I’m not feeling angry and frustrated, I think my predicament seems a bit comical.

 

[Smitty the Great OneParticipant 1535]

Dude, I’m genuinely perplexed by your situation. You have desire for women, but can’t seem to connect your desire for women to a woman. It’s like having a great home run swing in batting practice, but can’t even swing the bat during an actual game. I’d love to be able to say something positive and uplifting, but I’m drawing a complete blank.

Life is too long to play by someone elses rules....

[ExsliventxsParticipant 1067]

For starters, let go of normal “standards”. Those are placed upon you by society, who if you observe from afar, has no f~~~ing clue whats actually going on….

ShamelessGit wrote:

I have never spontaneously flirted with anyone, and I have never enjoyed being flirted with, even if the woman was pretty.

So I see, you’re not a flirt, some people are … and some people are not. A pretty woman flirting with you may not trigger a response because pure visual stimulation is not entirely your thing. Also, banter with women can be tricky, most of the time they come off as morons.

ShamelessGit wrote:

I will lose the erection if I feel tense or in any way uncomfortable.

Why do you think it takes men some time to p~~~ in the urinals after a movie? Men you don’t know standing behind you while you p~~~ doesn’t make anyone comfortable. This goes back to evolution, you knew your tribe. I have NO problem p~~~ing around my buds, but strange men? In the old days they’d knock you the f~~~ out and rape your mate. Classic nature.

So losing your erection when you’re nervous is totally normal, that s~~~ is connected to fight or flight, you get into a fight with an erection you can irreparably damage your ability to sow your DNA. Mother nature nipped that s~~~ in the bud. It’s not your fault, that’s just how it is….

ShamelessGit wrote:

I have never wanted to have sex with a woman who I didn’t think was a good friend

Mother nature make all shapes n sizes and mental aptitudes, it could be that your DNA just asks that your female be more devoted to you before you go and pop a load in her. It could be because you’re more invested in actually raising your offspring, as opposed to men just firing off baby juice left n right into random bitches. Not a negative. Again, sounds fine to me.

ShamelessGit wrote:

If I were a normal man, I think I should have been able at the very least to get some satisfaction out of casual sex.

Again, you need to let go of this “normal”. No one is normal, its a lie propagated by culture to weed out those unable to contribute to society. When you’re deemed not “normal” you get persecuted, burned at the stake, run out of town, raped, murdered, killed, neglected, forgotten. It’s not because normal is bad, but people are afraid of what they can’t understand. There is nothing wrong with not getting an erection by sticking your soldier into some random woman. Also, if you’re talking about sex with the same woman multiple times, maybe you just don’t have the drive. Again nothing wrong with that… I don’t have the drive to go skydiving, extreme dirtbiking or tower jumping. So…

ShamelessGit wrote:

I think a normal man can imagine that it would be very difficult to masturbate in the presence of a person who he is not sexually attracted to.

Once again, mother nature has your man shrivel up and recede or descend from your body based on heat and need for reproduction. Why the hell would you whip it out in front of someone you’re not attracted too. If you’re into swingers, it could be beneficial, but that’s a special breed, the opposite of you.

ShamelessGit wrote:

For most of my life I have felt high-strung and a bit grumpy, and sex with my girlfriend was the only thing that really made me genuinely calm and relaxed

Sex releases a c~~~tail (no pun intended) of chemicals that relax both men and women. If sex isn’t doing it for you, find another hobby that does relax you. That’s part of MGTOW, do your thing, find out what makes life good. (As long as it doesn’t directly harm others obviously.)

ShamelessGit wrote:

So far as I can tell, the only option for me is to find a woman who is mentally deficient in a mutually compatible way, which is extremely difficult to do.

Mentally deficient? Based on what? Societal norms? You have to put that s~~~ away. You’re just different, not deficient. There are plenty of women out there with low sex drives and are extremely over protective of themselves. If casual sex with strangers isn’t your thing, and you need a friendship with the woman, there are plenty of low sex drive, intellectual women out there. They’re usually pursuing careers ahead of the pack.

Just don’t marry or knock any up. HA–

Stop being so hard on yourself.

[John DoeParticipant 743]

Analysis:  You prefer to f~~~ yourself.  Literally and metaphorically speaking.

[ShamelessGitParticipant 0]

Well thanks for replying guys.  This is kind of a difficult subject due to its abstractness, but from Smitty’s response it sounds like he understands what I’m talking about.

Exliven wrote a very supportive response, but I’m not sure that we are understanding each other.  I wrote my post with the idea that there was something biologically different with me, and hoping to find out if my idea made sense to regular people.  Exliven, you wrote a response which basically says that I should not compare myself to society’s standards, is that right?  I guess that assumes that you don’t think that I am biologically different, or that you don’t think it should matter?  I realize that a normal man might not like flirting, or that he might choose not to have casual sex, but isn’t it very unusual to be totally unaffected by porn?  Most of the things I’m talking about aren’t choices, but facts about how I feel arousal (or how I don’t feel it).  I did not chose not to have casual sex, I just can’t do it.  And I realize that all men feel uncomfortable peeing in a urinal or masturbating in public, which is why I used that as an example for how I feel around pretty women.  A normal man can’t feel the same way around I do around pretty women he likes, or everyone on earth would have erectile dysfunction.  Either that or he does feel nervous and uncomfortable, but there is something inside of him (I assume that something is visual-based arousal, which I don’t have) which lets him get a hard on anyway.  And I am actually going to try to get married, but I’m going to move abroad to do it.  If I were trapped in the USA or some other feminist country, then I would remain MGTOW.

 

I think maybe John Doe gets it too.  But I have a minor point of disagreement.  I don’t think it is fair to say that I prefer to f~~~ myself metaphorically, because I didn’t choose to be weird.  I was just born this way, and as a result I think I’m fairly f~~~ed.  Preferring to literally f~~~ myself makes sense, given that I don’t feel arousal for other people.

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