Home › Forums › MGTOW Central › Creating personal boundaries will help you in the blue pilled world
Tagged: behavior, personal boundaries, Self esteem, stress management
This topic contains 19 replies, has 11 voices, and was last updated by 
Maverick 1 year, 11 months ago.
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What are personal boundaries and what do I mean when I say creating personal boundaries will protect you? Personal boundaries are the force that protects you from being robbed. Robbed of resources, robbed of emotions, robbed of energy, robbed of time, robbed of self esteem, robbed of finances… Each of us has a sort of “Fort Knox” of gold. That gold can be any number of things. Money, knowledge, time, resources, self esteem, connections to others, information… Personal boundaries allow you to properly manage stress.
Inside your personal boundary you have 100% control. Anything outside your personal boundary, you have 0% control over. Other people’s actions are an example of things you have no control over. What you do have control over, is YOUR actions. People who text may be a problem, but their actions are outside of your control. Outside of your personal boundary.
Boundaries consist of what you are responsible for. Your self esteem is an example of something inside your boundary that you are responsible for. Your self esteem is positive emotional energy. How you fill yourself up with self esteem is your primary function.
A child has no self esteem, and no boundaries. A baby’s boundary has lots of holes. This is true for people who are depressed. Depression medication for example doesn’t fix self esteem. It’s not helping you build your boundary. Self esteem has two varieties.
Self esteem = well being
Maternal, and nurturingSelf esteem = confidence
So what is stress? Stress has two types
Hurt + loss
If hurt gets into your boundary, it has a new name. Anger. What has been depleted from you is well being. Stress cancels self esteem.
I want to cite Market~~~cher as an example if I may. Market~~~cher was kind enough to share his story on here about his work. And I want to demonstrate how that affects your personal boundaries. His workplace was a toxic environment. And with time it got “under his skin”. It invaded his personal space. Eventually it affected his self esteem to the point where he was jaded, depressed, and fearful. This stressful, toxic place invaded his boundary, it caused problems where if everyone involved had an understanding of personal boundaries, the escalated incident which culminated in his leaving his place of employment could have altogether been avoided. By standing up for himself, and patching the holes in his boundary, he was ultimately able to free himself from his toxic job.
When you burn your self esteem, you are wasting that energy on things you can’t control. Buddhists call this “suffering”. So what is the solution?
The solution is learning to say “NO!” It’s the most mature thing you can do to a person to say “No!” You can still love them, you can still associate with them. By you telling people no, you’re not only patching your own holes in your boundary and fixing your “thin skin”, you’re also patching that person’s holes in their boundary. Stress directly correlates with declining physical health.
A good example is a segment that Tom Leykis did years ago where he talks about personal boundaries. In that segment he talked about how he has a list of behaviors that when he’s around women, or other people he WILL NOT tolerate. What is he doing? He’s telling those people NO! He’s setting personal boundaries and denying himself unnecessary stress. Which does what? Create hurt, and loss.
When someone misbehaves, or acts aggressively towards you, it’s not their actions that “triggered” you. That person’s actions are outside your boundary. You ALLOWED that behavior into your personal boundary by being REACTIONARY. By being reactionary, you showed them the hole in your boundary. By getting angry and upset, you created your own stress. By allowing that stress to sit in your space, you allowed it to create a condition of hurt and loss. Which in turn affected your self esteem.
If you’ve been through a nasty divorce, or bitter break up, perhaps you can see the relevance here. What do each of those situations have in common with the guys who have come here? That hurt, that loss, which started out as stress, which penetrated your personal boundary, chipped away at your self esteem making you depressed…. And if it sat long enough, it made you suicidal… The key here is properly managing that stress. By building your boundary up, and patching the holes (and by also changing the actions you take in the process) your boundary can work as a means of REPELLING the things outside your control. But the key is not allowing the things outside your control to seep into your space in the first place.
Excellent post bro.
how do you resolve the issue when you feel a trigger?
Being that I can’t reply to any more messages for the day, I wanted to address this question you asked Gambit.
The “trigger” thing you’re talking about is both the action of the person you can’t control, and the personal invasion of your boundary, which when you allow any action to “trigger” your emotions means you have an hole in your boundary system. Which is why it’s important to utilize the concept I talked about in my previous thread about observing ego. Because observing ego works like a sort of therapist, or life coach sitting on your shoulders observing your actions. Observing ego is you, yourself stepping out of your conscious body psychologically and SEEING your actions in real time. How observing ego works is, it allows you the opportunity to see the situation before you’ve had a chance to react, and take the appropriate action in that moment.
Observing Ego: The only human skill that allows change and growth. This drawing of the mind operating system shows your observing ego viewing your self in order to solve any psychological and business problems. Notice how you can simultaneously watch the environment, yourself in it, and remember what identity and resources you carry inside for dealing with problems that come from the environment.
This blueprint of the mind operating system is an integrated way of naturally producing the Observing Ego, because it represents “you” and “your function” and therefore you can reflect on how you look at yourself. It illustrates “you” looking at “you” as both an outside observer and also as a participant in your behavior at the same time.
There are four key components to master here. Within your personal boundary are emotional energy, decisions, intellect/ideas/beliefs/values.
Positive emotional energy leads to what? Happiness.
Intellect/ideas/beliefs/values lead to what? Success
Decisions leads to what? FreedomMastery of those 3 things leads to the fourth.. DURABILITY. Durable Fulfillment is the reward of high character.
Your “trigger” is simply you “suffering”. Because you’re expending positive energy in a negative way on something you have no control over. Because again. The actions of others is outside of your personal boundary. Can you control if a bank closes tomorrow? Can you control if someone is hit by a car? Can you control if someone eats during the day? Of course not. Those things are outside of your boundary. But if you worry about them, what you do is you allow holes in your boundary, and by doing so, allow stress to become what? Pain, and loss. The act of “triggering” comes on YOUR end. It’s a decision, an action that YOU take. You can choose to make that decision or not. This is what separates those who are “calm under fire” from “hot heads”. But the only person who gets to make the choice of which one of those two you are is you, not someone else.
You have several things that make up your defense mechanism inside your boundary. On the outside you have the problem. That problem is pushing against your boundary. It wants to come in. So what’s stopping it?
Your resources/strength. Which is composed of this.
Decision Making – which is affected by or comprised of intuition and conscience.
Intellectual Data Use – experience and education
Self Esteem – your confidence and your well being
Those things combined to strengthen you boundary against any given problem.
As it relates to your former friend/business partner. Ignoring his calls doesn’t solve the problem. And it certainly doesn’t strengthen your boundaries. Instead what it does is soften them, and allow the problem to fester because now you’re reacting to stress. The solution is to answer the phone, tell him not to contact you any more and if he does so, you will file harassment charges. By doing this, you’re patching the holes in your own boundary, by building your confidence and self esteem, and telling him “NO!”. Subsequently, whether he knows it or not, this act also works to patch the holes in HIS boundary. He’s saying what he says in his messages to you to TEST your boundary. He’s trying to get through. So the choice is now on your end to decide if he breaks through or not. What reaction does he get out of you? The only appropriate action for personal growth is “NO!”
Decision Making – which is affected by or comprised of intuition and conscience.
Intellectual Data Use – experience and education
Self Esteem – your confidence and your well being
Utilize these tools in your boundary to solidify your inner defense.
If you don’t like what you’ve got, stop doing what you’re doing, and try something else. If what you’ve done hasn’t worked for you, then use your intellectual data to find another solution. Then apply the decision making to put it into action and follow behind it the self esteem. Then you can meet your problem with resistance head on and prevent it from entering your boundary.
I do not believe in self-esteem.
"Once you’ve taken care of the basics, there’s very little in this world for which your life is worth deferring." -David Hansson. "It’s not when women are mean or nasty that anything is out of the ordinary. It’s when they are NICE to you that you have to be on high alert..." -Jackinov.
I do not believe in self-esteem.
“self esteem” is confidence, or “positive energy”. You can call it both of those things, but they all basically mean the same thing. A feeling of self worth, derived from a positive place.
Thank you for this. This was a very thoughtful and tailored response. I will definitely try and implement some of these strategies. I guess I was not being advised properly by others in how to effectively deal with that situation. I’ll be revisiting this thread again. Thanks again.
Thank you for this. This was a very thoughtful and tailored response. I will definitely try and implement some of these strategies. I guess I was not being advised properly by others in how to effectively deal with that situation. I’ll be revisiting this thread again. Thanks again.
Our interaction in the zoom chat is what prompted me to post this. Perhaps I wasn’t articulating it well enough, or maybe there was too much commotion for it to hit home. I thought perhaps a post would help, and would allow other users to benefit as well. I had conversed with Honda, Uly, and Market~~~cher about this topic in the zoom chat after you left. They all agreed it would make for a great post. I agreed. I just had to take the time to put it together.
They all agreed it would make for a great post.
I have it as part of my Favorites.
They all agreed it would make for a great post.
I have it as part of my Favorites.
Ironically, once you get by the concept of posting articles about wimmin, it can be difficult to come up with topics of value and interest for the forums. Esp when it comes to writing something EVERYONE can benefit from. Which is a challenge I find myself with, but working hard to contribute on. Because I don’t want this site to be a haven for negativity and bitching. Yes, people are angry, and whatever for different reasons. I understand that, but to me, it’s about helping people move past that, and into the next phase of their life. Helping put them on the right track for personal growth. When we drown ourselves in negativity, we give others ammunition against us, and we discourage new people who come here from taking that step of personal sovereignty. So how can I help others navigate the dark tunnels and into the light? Hopefully with posts like these.
Hopefully with posts like these.
This is very insightful. I agree. You are doing a great job in my opinion. You are unique in your approach and I think you should be relentless in your message. It really resonates and helps people.
Anonymous54I am VERY boundry orientated.
I think self esteem only needs to be a matter of knowing that you allways try your best.A Man who gives it his best shot has nothing to be ashamed of.
But this is only for YOU to judge.
I’m not sure if I have good self-esteem or simply none. I’ve become fairly non-emotional. I don’t have feelings anymore. Everything is pretty abstract.
I know my capabilities and I recognize certain ones are well-beyond the norm. But I don’t have any feelz. It is more a cold-blooded assessment of what my capabilities are and aren’t. I pretty much just exist, and I simply need accurate assessments of my capabilities for planning purposes.
I don’t go much beyond setting objectives, strategizing and doing things. I’m about doings, not feelings. If I fail to accomplish a goal on time, I don’t get p~~~ed off or suffer self-esteem issues. I simply re-calculate, re-strategize, or re-calibrate.
I’m like LtCmdr Data in Star Trek. I’m not sure where self-esteem fits in. I do have boundaries though, in the sense that my personal boundaries are set by what will help me achieve being responsible for what I’m responsible for. I’m not responsible for anything outside my inner circle (my kids, and my parents).
I find somethings to be aggravating intellectually in an abstract way, but not enough to usually goad me to action. I’m cold-blooded though, and tend to be pretty quick to respond to what I consider a security threat. (Saw a rabbit near my strawberry & vegetable garden after coming home from work and less than 2 minutes later put a crossbow bold into it.)
All my life I've had doubts about who I am, where I belonged. Now I'm like the arrow that springs from the bow. No hesitation, no doubts. The path is clear. And what are you? Alive. Everything else is negotiable. Women have rights; men have responsibilities; MGTOW have freedom. Marriage is for chumps. If someone stands in the way of true justice, you simply walk up behind them and stab them in the heart-R'as al Ghul.
Self esteem is important, but often misunderstood. A big boost to self esteem is just keeping your area clean and organized, so that you can be comfortable. Another boost is laughter and contentment. Enjoy yourself and find things that help you do that.
Here, have a laugh:
Ironically, once you get by the concept of posting articles about wimmin, it can be difficult to come up with topics of value and interest for the forums
True, but you pulled it off with no problem. We discussed this in Zoom and I am glad you posted it. Good topic IRM.
Anonymous1Excellent post. I’ll probably need to read that a few times.
Nice to put some faces to names on zoom. Shame my wifi was fecked and still running like an old dog.
Ironically, once you get by the concept of posting articles about wimmin, it can be difficult to come up with topics of value and interest for the forums
True, but you pulled it off with no problem. We discussed this in Zoom and I am glad you posted it. Good topic IRM.
Thanks sir! It took me a little bit to work out how I was going to write this. I wanted to post this earlier, but due to the nature of the content, my other topic came out first.
Thanks and yes, I read it and might go back to it. I have some thinking to do. I need to return to my spirituality as I have let it go in this last year and there are repercussions. I do well on Zoom and phone conversations but not so well when I start a thread.
Here, have a laugh:
Uly, that comic illustrates a psychotic episode in my life so well – thanks. Going to get some real mileage out of that.
Skittles…
🙂
Great topic, but “no” only works in certain situations. Here are some situations in which people cross the line but “no” doesn’t really work:
Example #1 – Let’s say your neighbor lets their dog out and it barks for hours, and this goes on for days at a time. My first thought is to yell out the window “shut the f~~~ up”. I have done this with the windows closed and the neighbor might have heard me. I’ll usually respond by blasting music to drown the noise. I would like the dog to stop barking, but since I can’t control what the dog (or neighbor) does outside of calling the cops and making a big scene, this seems be the next best thing. I spoke to my neighbors about this years ago but it still happens form time to time. There will be days I don’t hear the dog at all and other days it will bark every day.
Example #2 – You have a relative (or in my case a sister-in-law) that makes the occasional snippy remark in an attempt to cut you down to make herself feel better. For example, at Christmas, my grandmother mentioned something later about some yard work she was not able to do in the fall. The sister in law mentions my name as if she was shaming me for not helping my grandmother with something I was never asked to do (which made me look like an ass). I looked at her and apparently didn’t respond the way she wanted as she was “I’m only joking”. She made another remark later and I looked at her (didn’t deliberately express unhappiness) and she responded the same way. It’s like she wants to control your response to her. What’s the best way to to these type of remarks? Avoid/ignore her? Or fire a comment back at her at the risk of p~~~ing off my brother? We have another gathering coming up and I’m not looking forward to seeing her.
It seems that you’re saying to say “no” or if that doesn’t work then detach from neurotic people. Does that sound about right?
I want to cite Market~~~cher as an example if I may. Market~~~cher was kind enough to share his story on here about his work. And I want to demonstrate how that affects your personal boundaries. His workplace was a toxic environment. And with time it got “under his skin”. It invaded his personal space. Eventually it affected his self esteem to the point where he was jaded, depressed, and fearful. This stressful, toxic place invaded his boundary, it caused problems where if everyone involved had an understanding of personal boundaries, the escalated incident which culminated in his leaving his place of employment could have altogether been avoided. By standing up for himself, and patching the holes in his boundary, he was ultimately able to free himself from his toxic job.
What did he do to stand up for himself?
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