Child Custody / Parenting time in a Divorce

[VanXingParticipant 98]

Hi Fellas,

I have a 22 month daughter and is currently separated from my wife. I get my daughter one weekend day every week since our separation 6 month ago. I want to see her every week no matter what, but I don’t know what I really want as far as parenting time is concerned going forward.

I’ve thought about doing 50/50 which will be a lot of work or I can stick with the one weekend day every week and possibly change it to every other weekend when she’s older.

The reason against 50/50 is because our daughter is not sleep trained till this day thanks to her stubborn mother. She’s 26 pounds and still needs to be rocked to sleep or in a car seat while driving. You also need to lay next to her to pat her down every 45 min since she doesn’t know how to go back to sleep during her light sleep cycle. She needs someone to follow her every where or she will hurt herself (her mother will go crazy if she sees a bruise). Her mother will definitely fight me tooth and nail against 50/50 parenting time. The good thing with 50/50 is no child support.

I’m currently leaning towards less than 50/50 as I’m 35 years old and would like to go out and meet new people and start dating again (nothing serious obviously but men need sex right?).

Below are the options I have in mind:

1. One weekend day a week every week until she’s an adult. <- Allows me to date but won’t be able to take my daughter out on trips.

2. One weekend day a week every week until she’s 4 years old and convert to every other weekend and one dinner during the week. <-will make it harder to date once I get her every other weekend but will have opportunity to take my daughter out on trips.

3. 50/50 alternating weeks

4. 50/50 where I have her Monday – Wednesday / Monday – Thursday alternating weeks, Her mother gets her Thursday – Sunday / Friday – Sunday. <- Allows me to date but don’t have a weekend time with my daughter for trips or events.

We currently live within 15 min drive of each other however I do plan to move downtown so that I can have a decent social life which will make it a 30 to 40 min drive away.

Can the brothers here chime in from their experience what you chose to do and why? Have you thought about anything of these options and the pros and cons of each?

Thanks,
VX

[experiencedParticipant]

I don’t think you’ll ever regret spending time with your child.

"It seems like there's times a body gets struck down so low, there ain't a power on earth that can ever bring him up again. Seems like something inside dies so he don't even want to get up again. But he does."

[TaxGuyParticipant]

VX: Experienced is right, you never regret spending time with your kids. That said, I wouldn’t recommend every other day because she will never be able to “settle in”. She would be sleeping in a different bed every night.

You can always change custody when she gets older. And if your ex isn’t a complete bitch, you can always switch some days around to go on a trip. It would be really s~~~ty of her to withhold a fun trip for your daughter just to be a c~~~. My ex is about as narcissistic as they come and we are pretty flexible with the time.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Order the good wine

[Truthseeker82Participant 6406]

Kudos to you that you are putting your daughters needs first – and not the Ex. Suggestion would be to stick with whatever you decide once you do. Only you can determine if the 50/50 is sustainable. Reasoning is your child will acclimate towards the routine over the years. My son was 5 when I split with his mother. We lived over 1000 miles apart due to our jobs so joint was not an option.
He spent summers with me and holidays. Over the years he became well adjusted to the schedule. I wish you and your daughter well. Please keep us posted.

[HitmanParticipant]

I chose every weekend and 2 afternoons per week.
Friday night was to get laid. .
The more time you have with the kid the better.
Laws are weird and if you set a precedent of not seeing her that might be used against you in the future. .
Consult a lawyer and have papers drawn up. .
Good luck brother!

[BalthazarParticipant 722]

have her as much as possible, she needs your influence. and as far as the difficulty in sleep training…as long as you have a firm and patient hand, the child will respond to you the way you want. i have an 18 month old daughter that co sleeps with her mother and won’t go to sleep with her without a tit in her mouth. when she’s here with me she goes right down in the crib without a fight and the worst scenario is i have to rub her back for a few minutes. you can do it, your kid needs you just as much as her mother.

This body holding me is a reminder of my own mortality. Embrace this moment. Remember, we are eternal and all this pain is an illusion.

[HitmanParticipant]

Balthazar wrote:

your kid needs you just as much as her mother.

True True True !!!!!
your influence has only started.
give it time..
the world needs men like you to be there for the kids !
when my ex is out drinking with her stupid friends,
i’m home with the kid teaching language
how to handle bullying
morals
creativity
basic computer skills
YOU ARE INVALUABLE !
look long term, and give yourself more credit than you think you deserve..

[RedDawnParticipant 1391]

I see my young’in one weekend a fortnight during the day. Means I can have a responsible weekend and an irresponsible weekend as one colleague told me. Also seeing them for longer but less often means you can go on weekend trips if you get to have the little one overnight.

Whatever you do, remember that you don’t need to be perfect, just good enough.

Truthseeker82 wrote:

Kudos to you that you are putting your daughters needs first – and not the Ex. Suggestion would be to stick with whatever you decide once you do. Only you can determine if the 50/50 is sustainable. Reasoning is your child will acclimate towards the routine over the years. My son was 5 when I split with his mother. We lived over 1000 miles apart due to our jobs so joint was not an option.
He spent summers with me and holidays. Over the years he became well adjusted to the schedule. I wish you and your daughter well. Please keep us posted.

I’m glad to hear that kids can adjust like that. Perhaps then, the quality of the time spent and how we raise our kids is more important than merely how many hours we spend with them.

Courage is the key to life itself - Morgan Freeman

[VanXingParticipant 98]

Thanks fellas for the great feedback!

I wouldn’t recommend every other day because she will never be able to “settle in”. She would be sleeping in a different bed every night.

@Tax Guy: I wouldn’t do every other day that would be nuts, every other week maybe…

@truthseeker82: It must be tough not being able to see your kid for a long stretch.

I chose every weekend and 2 afternoons per week.
Friday night was to get laid.
The more time you have with the kid the better.
Laws are weird and if you set a precedent of not seeing her that might be used against you in the future. .
Consult a lawyer and have papers drawn up. .
Good luck brother!

@hitman: Sounds like you have 50/50 parenting time with your kid, that’s admirable. I’m not sure if I can do every weekend like that tho.

@balthazar: Thanks for Sharing! The fact that your kid is about the same age tells me having a kid really messes kills a lot of marriages. If there’s a single crack in the relationship prior to kids then post kids is like nuclear fallout.

What I failed to understand is that unless everything is perfect do not escalate the relationship no matter what she says. It doesn’t matter if she was the perfect girl friend for a couple of years, Just say No!!!

If there’s a single tantrum then don’t get married. If there’s slight hint of attitude don’t have kids. Nothing is ever temporary for them. Expectations are through the roof and every missed expectation will be her building block to divorce you.

I get the “I thought you would change after we get married” or “I thought you would change after we have a kid”. Men don’t f!#king change. Women change for the worse after each escalation in commitment.

[Author]

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