I teach 5th grade in Tumbleweed, Kansas just over the border from Oklahoma, Texas and Colorado. Do I like my career. hmmm.
I don’t know. Somedays I question what the f~~~ I am doing here, somedays I doubt my ability to teach these children anything. I can’t get them to stand in line properly. I have a long piece of bright green duct tape on the flor, and putting one foot on either side of the line is a major challenge. We line up 8 times a day, and it is a 5 minute battle to get 25 children to stand in line for 30 seconds. Just a little bit of self control is all I ask. As a clue that I am waiting for them, I do something absurd like recite poetry translated into French or Russian, or sing 80’s songs. The children I teach are wreckage and survivors of tragedy, divorce and random bulls~~~. Hmm. I am a survivor of tragedy, divorce and random bulls~~~.
I have to present lessons the district spent money on consultants who taught us strange new ways to do math, and I struggle with these methods.
I work with teachers who have been here in Boofoo for 10+ years. All are married or heavily invested in someone. I find it hard to relate to them on a personal way. I am too used to being alone to sit in a room with my fellow teachers for too long. I feel incompetent, inadequate and just inferior over all. I am damaged goods and everyone knows it. They don’t know that I was homeless last April, and had to sell my car for food. They don’t know I just bought a bed last month. I don’t know how to relate to people as people anymore. My colleagues are women, I think in the district of 300 teachers? there are 6 male teachers that I am aware of. I haven’t gone looking. I have to trust these women to give me the materials I am teaching. Most of the time I am given what I need, sometimes things are missing. They say I am missing things because they just know what they are doing because they have done it for years and forget I am the FNG. I don’t know. Prolly. I don’t see any evil behind the omission.
After school, I go home and take a nap and soak in some silence. I play with my parakeet. Around 6 I go back to school and stay until midnight or 2 am. Arranging papers, looking at lessons, reading stories and inserting notes into passages in books. All the other teachers have done this years before and get to have a good night;’s sleep. Me, I’m up until 2 then back at work at 6. I know this is unsustainable. It is the best I can do right now.
I’m struggling with depression. I hurt inside, I think I should hurt but I don’t feel anything. I tried to go ger food at a restaurant/bar place and I walked out, too many people, too loud and I was alone. This was call yer buddies and meet up at Billy’s for beers and bbq kinda place, not for one person to sit in a booth and contemplate the universe. No one here thinks that deeply.
I feel like a robot. A robot that relates only to children for some strange reason. Ah, the kids don’t know I am reked or incompetent. I don’t want to put up with other peoples drama. I am not equipped to care or solve peoples problems.
I am hiding from a s~~~ty court system. I am deliberately making just enough money to survive and not much else. If I make more money the court will compel me under penalty of imprisonment to pay the c~~~ 20% of what I make.. I refuse to participate in that bulls~~~. I am currently living in fear of my contract not being renewed, this will put me on the road again looking for another place to be. I just had a review, and I don’t think it was very good. I took 2 weeks off to deal with my father’s death, estate and dozens of small businesses he is partial owner of. Oh and my mother was hospitalized 10 days ago for diabetic coma and two heart attacks. Yeah, my head is totally in the game right now. I am so f~~~ed in the head right now. I just don’t care about stuff. I am a robot, stuff gets done automatically.
Do I like my career. I do not know. I can’t feel much of anything right now. The job is a shield against getting raped in divorce court. Does a lobster like his shell? I am waiting for May 2020 to roll around.
Then I have some big life decisions to make. Like what do I really want to do with my life, now that I am free and clear of the c~~~ once and for all.
Beer 3 years, 2 months ago.
