Blow-out with dad

[ResParticipant 542]

I’m not sure sure which forum to put this in so I’ll post it in relations~~~s.

Also, pay attention to the pretext of the situation, because you need a sense of the context of this relations~~~ to get an idea of where I’m getting with this.

Long post alert.

I’ve had a rough relations~~~ with my dad. He’s blue pill. Not married (anymore), but currently cohabitating with a woman of a few years. He’s a narcissistic control freak. He’s always hated animals yet he moved into a 3000 sq. ft. ranch on 5 acres of land so his girlfriend could keep 2 horses (and 2 ginormous parrots and 3 thousand cats). Lives in New Jersey if that says anything… (and it should). Retired from the Army after 20 years dragging my mother and my sisters along for the ride. Mom divorced him about 10 years ago when we would’ve moved from Florida to New Jersey. We moved often. I’ve personally lived in Maryland, Pennsylvania, Texas, Oklahoma, Florida, Germany, Virginia. My dad has never really been a father to me. He gave me money for school a while back and of course he conceived me, but he was never pleasant. When I was about 13 I got lectured for watching porn on the computer and the s~~~ storm from that never stopped for years. During summer when school was out, he would come home from work and bang on my door at 10 am to wake me up. I never had good grades either which p~~~ed him off. Dad is a perfectionist to a fault. He’s a massive f~~~ing idiot.

Some other background that might be worth mentioning here is that I have two disabilities. I have epilepsy and I have schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. About 2-3 years ago I started taking medication for both. Mind you I’ve done very well for myself. I have a Master’s degree in electrical engineering. I didn’t graduate with the best GPA but I have 4 years of professional experience under my belt. I moved back to Florida from Texas to be closer to family and took a new job which I got laid off from only 6 months after starting. Now, 1.5 years later I have a new full time job lined up and will be aligned more appropriately in my career. It’s also worth mentioning that I’ve wound up in the ER twice. Once was summer of 2015 when I had a major seizure before being on meds and broke my shoulder. The second time was back in December at the yearly christmas party. This is important to note. The yearly christmas party involves a lot of booze. Also, I missed some medication. On top of that, I decided to stay longer on my trip without having medication. So what happens? The hospital writes me up as non-compliant with treatment! Fair enough. It’s also worth mentioning that I have tremors. Could be a side effect of the medications I’m on, maybe not. They’ve been noted in the past as benign essential tremor. Lately they’re reallllly bad, admittedly. Doctors know about it. My neurologist knows about and I saw him last week. He told me to see a GP. OK, fair enough, I’ll get there when I can make an appointment. Alcohol has NEVER triggered a seizure for me, or caused any strange side effects. I drink regularly and 3 beers is nothing for me. I used to live within walking distance of a World of Beer (and will again in a month!) and can handle alcohol just fine. Hanging out at bars was my thing before I lost my job… nothing like a good drink and a cigar. I also vape. Nicotine does seem to trigger seizures, so I need to keep an eye on that. There’s nicotine free vape so hopefully I can find some juice that vapes well with no nicotine.

Last week I went on vacation to Cape Cod to stay with Aunt/Uncle, my dad and sisters. At first everything was okay. First day, we go out to eat, Aunt/Uncle, my sisters and me. I have a few beers. On ordering second beer, promptly get told to “behave” by Aunt. Dad wasn’t even there yet. WTF? Blow number 1.

Fast forward a few days. We were to have lunch with more family. This time it was my dad, my sisters, my aunt/uncle, and my grandparents. My grandfather is pretty old and has mild alzheimers. He is also the primary caretaker of my grandmother who has ALS. Anyway, things are okay. We all decide what we want and then place the order. My grandmother was in her office at her computer and she was to be wheeled out to the dining room. My sister immediately tells me to move to which I just get p~~~ed off. My older sister is a royal bitch (married too) but otherwise I have no problems with her. It might be worth pointing out she’s married to what I suspect would be a beta simp (ha!). My sister never finished school and worked as a bartender for a few years and has been between jobs for the past several years never really keeping a steady job. I found out that dad gave her tickets to today’s Red Sox game for her and her cousin today with quite good seats (she’ll be on TV). After refusing to move at my sister’s request, approximately 10 seconds later I get told to move by my Aunt. Then I get told to move chairs again because my grandfather needed to sit in a chair with arms. Then my aunt proceeds to tell me to scoot over to make more room for other chairs. The s~~~ didn’t stop coming. I got told to move about 5 times. We’re not talking like huge moves either, I had to scoot a few inches. OKAY FINE, no big deal, but f~~~ing irritating as hell. Just rude.

I’m drinking beer with my meal. No problems right? I go to grab another beer; the first beer I had was a 16 oz. can. I go to grab another and dad’s like “you drink this instead” and hands me a bottle of something else. Okay, fine. Proceed as normal. Meal goes well. Eventually we get back to my aunt/uncle’s house. My dad and Uncle are sitting in the living room and both crack a beer and sit in front of the TV. I go to grab a beer and my dad just goes batty ape-s~~~. We wound up having this weird argument that didn’t seem to make any logical sense at all. He accused me of lieing to get my job and told me I wasn’t welcome to come back and stay at his place after leaving Cape Cod to go back to his house in Jersey. Apparently because of my tremors he thinks that I don’t take my medication or that my medications aren’t working and that my doctors are incompetent. Keep in mind, medications can take a long time to get just right. I’ve been seeing doctors regularly now for 3 something years and on various meds and varying dosages. Still takes time to get things dialed in. There’s no magic cure. I can’t really explain much of the argument, I’m not good at remembering details and it made no f~~~ing sense anyway. My dad made some horrible points though. According to him when I was in the hospital I had no tremors despite being on (apparently) 7 medications (I don’t know if this is even true). Thing is, when I went to the ER in December it was my own decision to go, I never asked my father to come to the hospital or make travel changes for me. Also, I footed the bill with my own money and insurance. It really was none of his concern.

I’m not an alcoholic and I can make my own life decisions. So after the horrible treatment on the part of my family, I left the Cape and headed to Boston. I booked a hotel and took a Lyft and just left. I wound up spending time in Boston with family on my mom’s side and spent good time with another Aunt from mom’s side of the family who I hadn’t seen in even longer. I just flew back home yesterday and am glad to be back home. I have work to finish here before I start my new job and I need to take care of some errands. I finally move back into my own place in September and will be glad to be living on my own again, now more than ever.

Anyway, I’m going to write my father out of my life for good this time. He’s never done anything for me that I truly appreciate. He’s a horrible person to everyone except my sisters who he bribes with money. But what would you do? Would you do anything different? Anyway, I’m tired of writing. I could write more but this post is long enough. Thoughts, comments?

Mr. Boats: "'Avoid the reeking herd! Shun the polluted flock! Live like that stoic bird, the eagle of the rock!' You know what that means, son?" -American Splendor

[MACHOParticipant]

Life ain’t a walk in the park Brother, next time you’re asked about yourself you could always send them the link to this topic. Hang in there ‘Res’

Res wrote:

I’ve personally lived in Maryland, Pennsylvania, Texas, Oklahoma, Florida, Germany, Virginia. My dad has never really been a father to me. He gave me money for school a while back and of course he conceived me, but he was never pleasant

Res wrote:

I missed some medication. On top of that, I decided to stay longer on my trip without having medication. So what happens? The hospital writes me up as non-compliant with treatment! Fair enough. It’s also worth mentioning that I have tremors. Could be a side effect of the medications I’m on, maybe not.

Res wrote:

Keep in mind, medications can take a long time to get just right. I’ve been seeing doctors regularly now for 3 something years and on various meds and varying dosages

You must own a better Crystal ball than I

[Ranger OneParticipant 16836]

Res wrote:

Anyway, I’m going to write my father out of my life for good this time. He’s never done anything for me that I truly appreciate. He’s a horrible person to everyone except my sisters who he bribes with money. But what would you do? Would you do anything different? Anyway, I’m tired of writing. I could write more but this post is long enough. Thoughts, comments?

I’d tell him to enjoy his goofy, crazy horse-lady. Horse-women are always f~~~ing nuts. I don’t just mean garden variety nuts. I mean f~~~ing for-real-crazy. He’s making his bed. Just enjoy the show and wait for her to give him the ass-reaming that he has set himself up for.

All my life I've had doubts about who I am, where I belonged. Now I'm like the arrow that springs from the bow. No hesitation, no doubts. The path is clear. And what are you? Alive. Everything else is negotiable. Women have rights; men have responsibilities; MGTOW have freedom. Marriage is for chumps. If someone stands in the way of true justice, you simply walk up behind them and stab them in the heart-R'as al Ghul.

[PistolPeteParticipant 27143]

Been there done that. My old man another 20 year military guy who owed his exalted position to his ability to ass kiss—which of course meant he resented anyone he deemed beneath him who REFUSED to kiss his ass. THAT IS the source of your problem—guaranteed.

My solution was simple—I cast a magic spell: Toxic parent be-gone from my life…it worked great.

[MGTOW_MikeParticipant 6253]

I have issues with my father as well. Whatever I do, enough is never F~~~ING enough. I too have studied Electrical Engineering, and I can relate to you. It is very tough. I also studied Mining Engineering after that, f~~~. A total of 8.5 years at uni.

I worked my ass off, as a Mining Engineer, and saved a fair bit. I bought a house a few years ago, which I now rent as an investment property. I semi-recently had to quit my Mining Engineering career, due to bad health issues (I had a seizure due to stress and other s~~~).

Now, speaking about my health, I have had terrible health problems throughout my life. I was born with Neurofibromatosis Type 1, which is a genetic disorder, which has given my hundreds of tumors around my body. Some of them hurt, so I need to go to a surgeon to have them removed. I also have vitiligo, the same condition Michale Jackson had, were my skin color is turning from brown to white. Back in 2009, at the age of 25, my I had a retinal tear in my left eye which nearly left me blind in that eye. This happens with OLD people and RARELY with young people. About a year ago I had meningitis, which nearly killed me.

I tried my best to rebuild my career, after I quit my Mining Engineering career. The first attempt was when I tried to teach myself web-design. My father shot me down and made me feel like absolute s~~~. After several months of trying web-design, which I lost motivation for, I went back to my childhood passion in Electronics Engineering. That too was shot down by my father, even though I was super enthusiastic to rebuild my career and having a positive mindset. He told me that I would be better of doing a cleaning job than working in the Electronics industry. It crushed me even more. I wanted to kill myself and be gone from this place.

All he cares about is money money money and work work work. He doesn’t even talk to me like a normal father would with his son. He always gives me the silent treatment, if I have a different point of view. It is his way or the highway. I can never win with him.

I have never brought shame to my family; I do not drink at all 9never been drunk), I do not smoke and I do not take drugs. Throughout my life I have dedicated so much of my time to be with my family and help them. Instead of going out with friends, I would be at home doing housework/cleaning/cooking (since I was 15)/repairing things that need to be fixed/doing heavy renovation work on my parents investment properties etc. I only went out with friends like twice per year, seriously! I would always be there for my family.

Apparently, enough is never enough.

A tranquil mind is neither happy nor sad, it is uninfluenced by external conditions.

[ZarathustraParticipant 2246]

Let me tell you brother, we have the same dad. My dad is also a narcissistic asshole. He was the Vice President of bank up here in Canada and a millionaire who never paid a dime in child support. Our relationship consisted of me seeing him 3 times a year, entirely at his convenience. I wrote him out of my life 6 years ago and it was the best decision I ever made.

People like that RESENT you for having health problems and will not accept that is not your fault in some way. The health problems cause them some minor inconvenience but they are so used to getting your own way they resent.

I would spend some time, however, thinking about whether you want to cut him out, to be sure you do not regret it later, but it sounds like you are moving in that direction.

All I can say is that in my situation it was for the best and I am much happier.

[ResParticipant 542]

I forgot to mention that I have anger management issues too for arguing with my sister. 😉 Must be the MGTOW showing there.

A friend tells me I should be careful to write my father out of my life because you never know what the future holds, but keep in mind I’m still young. I’ve put up with a lot of crap but I’m doing FINE, and every day that goes by I get STRONGER. Unless I wind up bankrupt, I’m not going to be homeless, and even being homeless isn’t the end of the world. I’m far off from that.

My cousin is having a big party this weekend and the aunt I visited on mom’s side of the family will be seeing my aunt/uncle I was originally staying with. She said she will confront them about what happened but not in an aggressive way which sounds appropriate to me. I’m curious how this will play out. Haven’t heard anything from my father and don’t expect to. He paid for the plane tickets up there and I’m not giving his money back 😀

Mr. Boats: "'Avoid the reeking herd! Shun the polluted flock! Live like that stoic bird, the eagle of the rock!' You know what that means, son?" -American Splendor

[Anonymous 12]

Read your signature.
It holds the answer.

[IRuleMeParticipant]

Cut bad influences out of your life, regardless of who they are. It’s difficult sometimes, but an important thing for human growth. If it has to be your dad, and he’s what you say he is, then it’s best to move on. Not every parent wins parent of the year. You don’t owe your parents just because they brought you into this world. If they can’t treat you right, then be done with them. They can get mad all they want, but it’ll be their actions that brought the results.

[MarketWatcherParticipant]

IRuleMe wrote:

but it’ll be their actions that brought the results

Agreed. Good post IRM.

[MonkParticipant 16977]

Does being your mother or father mean that the rules don’t apply to them?

Of course not.

If one or both are toxic, acknowledge that fact and then dump them. It’s unfortunate, but that’s the way it is, and it isn’t going to change.

No guilt trip.

[ResParticipant 542]

Thanks guys for the comments. I feel like I’ve shared a bit too many personal details, but without that I also wouldn’t feel confident in the advice you’ve provided. It’s interesting to see just how many of the comments don’t even seem concerned with my medical state. I guess that’s just the after effects of being guilt tripped.

Mr. Boats: "'Avoid the reeking herd! Shun the polluted flock! Live like that stoic bird, the eagle of the rock!' You know what that means, son?" -American Splendor

[bstoffParticipant 4863]

Based on what you’ve written, you might actually have a problem with alcohol. I’m not saying you do, but based on your version of your life, it seems like it might be that way.
You have made a few bad choices in life and rubbed people the wrong way, and your family probably resents that in you.
You don’t have to write off everyone in your family, but maybe some time away from them will be good for all of you to heal and grow. Stay in contact if you can, even if it’s only one or two people. Then come back periodically with a fresh perspective. You might see some of them differently over time and they may see a better version of you, as well. Good luck and stay free.

[ResParticipant 542]

bstoff wrote:

Based on what you’ve written, you might actually have a problem with alcohol.

I’m not sure how you would come to that conclusion. Nobody has ever expressed concern with my drinking before this point. The concern with alcohol comes from the fact that I’m on medication for my disabilities so it may seem that way. It’s also worth pointing out that typically when I see my father it’s during the holidays (and in this case I was on vacation), again making it appear that I drink more than normal in the presence of my family. I do drink more than the average person probably does, I’ll give you that. I know my limits and where I stand, so I respectfully disagree. Could I have exercised more discretion? Perhaps, but I don’t need to walk on eggshells around my family. If they had a concern, they could’ve addressed it in a more appropriate and respectful manner. Not trying to sound like I’m making excuses. The way I was treated was unacceptable.

If I *DID* have a problem with alcohol (because I’m not sure how to really answer that question other than by a medical definition), why would it matter? It’s my body. I wasn’t drunk, I wasn’t causing any problems or being obnoxious. I don’t have to defend myself. Even an alcoholic is free to kill himself with his addiction so long as he doesn’t break the law or get bakeracted.

Think about this (changing the topic a bit). If having one too many beers was the tipping point for my family (because they were concerned for my health), why would it be better that I wind up on my own in Boston to find my own way home (I can’t drive)? After I left, I never heard a word from anyone (let alone my father). I don’t get it, makes no sense to me. Life…

Mr. Boats: "'Avoid the reeking herd! Shun the polluted flock! Live like that stoic bird, the eagle of the rock!' You know what that means, son?" -American Splendor

[bstoffParticipant 4863]

I’m not saying your drinking is the cause of your family’s reaction to you, and I’m sorry if I gave you that impression. I think your family has problems of their own regardless of what you’re doing.
I noticed that by your own accounts, your drinking is associated with negative reactions from people around you.
I’ve never been alcoholic, but I know several people who are, or were at different times. Their accounts of things are similar to yours, and they eventually are able to admit that things would have turned out differently if their use of alcohol were not a factor.
I don’t think you are ready to “admit” a problem with alcohol, and I’m not saying that you have a problem. There are just circumstances that might lead someone to speculate in that direction.
I’m, not trying to turn your thread into an AA meeting. But maybe someone here with some experience in this sort of thing can give you a better understanding of cause and correlation I’m speaking of.
One word of advice I can give you, is that I know from experience, drinking for the purpose of getting drunk, getting too drunk to function in public, drinking every day. All signs of alcohol addiction.
It sounds like your family if full of assholes, and they are probably overreacting to you; but you can prove them wrong easily if you want to make the effort.
Sorry to come off as an asshole to you. I don’t mean to be. But I hate to see good men dismiss family when things could possible be mended over time.

[ResParticipant 542]

@bstoffers, no worries, I totally get what you’re saying and I appreciate the feedback.

Mr. Boats: "'Avoid the reeking herd! Shun the polluted flock! Live like that stoic bird, the eagle of the rock!' You know what that means, son?" -American Splendor

[narwhalParticipant]

I also think your family is directing their anger and emotional control efforts towards you because they have no other place to direct it. Put a different way, Dad may be p~~~ed that he has to life on a ranch and such, but can’t, or won’t do anything about that. Therefore, he takes out his frustration on you.

If that’s the case, you can recognize it, tell him about it, but probably won’t be able to do about it. You essentially have to let your family know that you won’t be your family’s emotional tampon. Your only option is to demonstrate that you can live your life without them. It does not have to be absolute, but it must be a clear message that you will leave, as you have done, if you are not treated with respect.

Ok. Then do it.

[Author]

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