Hey everyone, short introduction in order.
Been lurking around various forums three years for now (most initial reading was done with MGTOWforums until site imploded, after that r/TheRedPill, Therationalmale, ReturnOfKings, Heartiste and this place here)
Have been a popular kid my whole life. No problems with interacting girls at all, getting constantly hit on etc. Was rather a lonely wolf than a jock, but probably that’s part of the alluring mysteries that pulled the girls in. Father rather red pill. But incompetent enough to instill the principles to his sons. At least rise me to be an engineer, pushed me towards it starting from age 10, can’t thank him enough for that. At some point pick at later teens up real blue pill tendencies about equality with women and start acting accordingly. Still naturally exhibiting alpha characteristics so that not an instant turnoff for women.
Married at 21 with a girl 2 years my senior. She balloons instantly 15kg’s and within a year gives me an ultimatum of having a baby. Dropped babypills. Me refused to put buns into that oversized oven, started to drift away that lead eventually dissolving the marriage. Selling joint apartment I got shafted, she basically kept all the profit that was received. Was blue pill enough to let that slide and started with nothing but CC debt and some clothes.
Enter The Special Snowflake.
She was an easy 9. Still is years later. Math prodigy. Took great care of herself bordering on obsession. Was lacking on some areas, namely in kitchen and general human empathy. From broken home. Career minded only. But I was in luuuv. Ignored all the red flags. White knight to the rescue. I sincerely thought that I’ll give her the family she missed in her childhood. Equals in everything (read: she gets all the pussy pass from me imaginable). Went all in, did not care about money. You get the picture.
We actually did quite well for 5-6 years. Power couple. No kids. Both attractive specimens of relevant sex. Both successful specialists in engineering field. Traveled a lot. Bought a home that I renovated with my own two hands from scratch. All was well.
Enter 2013.
All things fell apart when I lost my health due to a chronic back problems – had a really simple procedure with my spine, everything went wrong, got an infection and was nearly killed during a month of hospitalisation. Multiple internal organ problems due to having two simultaneous antibiotic treatments plus around the clock sedation with opiates to cope with the pain. Basically my back was rotting. Did not know if was going to survive, or be in crippled for life.
Was a pretty low point in my life. Thought I’d get to confine and lean emotionally to one person I believed to be my best friend and companion. With all the possible outcomes and fears. Boy was that a mistake. By the time I got out of the hospital (barely able to walk, barely able to even sit for more than 15 min), she had basically moved on in her mind already. And not only that. Had decided, that best branch for swinging could just as well be the best friend at the time I had. When I discovered that (went through her computer and chat logs), I probably reached the lowest point tin my life. She was not even sorry that I found out her .. interests and plans. Only things that kept her around were the fact that home was jointly owed to the bank and friend had a gf himself. So we stayed together. Living as a brother and sister. Or strangers. Deadbedroom.
Was suicidal for months, had even plans for SilentPill in motion, fortunately did not got hands on pure enough helium, otherwise…
Blamed myself in everything. Went looking for answer. For the wrong question. “How do I get my gilfriend back”.
Found PUA. Read a ton. Tried that. With no real success. Found Athol’s MMSL. Tried that. Too late. Had too many beta tendencies instilled over the years, she did not bite and I did all the right things from weak frame, cognitive dissonance was confusing for her at best.
Enter MGTOWforums. ReturnOfKings. Heartiste. Therationalmale. Was astounded about the tens if not hundreds of similar stories just as mine around the world. Read everything. Literally. That was there to read. Experiences, shattered dreams, divorce rape, depression. But also tips. Sidebars. How to take care of oneself. Protect oneself mentally. Drift to certain mindset. Was athletic before, went full gym rat, at least 5 times to gym in week. Dress better. She notices it. Starts to complain that I’m too vain.
Call it whatever you like, but I digested the Red Pill then and there, three years ago. Everything clicked. Realised sunken cost fallacy and started acting. Put home to the market, it was recession back then. Sold within two months. Both bought their own apartments. I moved “out”.
THEN she awoke. Begged to get back together. Idiot in me went. Idiot in me tried for a year. Ended predictably. I was too plugged out, former beta in me dead. She said I hated her. Maybe did.
Now. At 36.
Since I have had loner tendencies for all my life, although being sought after company most of the time, it has really pushed me into MGTOW. Personal preference, but I despise feel sorry for the PUA. With all the trouble for some gnash, go get that external affirmation of being The Man. Pff.
Live alone. Have no plans for cohabitation. Have couple of plates but put no serious effort into spinning them. Went to masters program. More gym. More reading. More fishing. More carpentry. Couple of close friends. Brother. Thats all I need at the point in my life. Probably get a dog if get too lonely. Firearm or two. Perhaps a bike or fishing boat.
Sometimes I regret it. Having seen everything, behind the curtain. The real female solipsism and hypergamy. That can not be unseen. The lost innocence and naivety. Ignorance was a bliss while it lasted.
Then the 5 minutes is up. And I’m happy, that I’m still alive and get to live my life. On my terms. On my way. Just got back from halibut fishing at Northern Atlantic.
Life is great.
FullMetalExo 4 years, 8 months ago.
