REUTERS
SEPTEMBER 26th
W.A.S.A (WIMMINZ ALIMONY SPACE AGENCY)
CAPE HILARY CLINTON
8:50 PM
TODAY, WOMEN HAVE MADE HISTORY IN AN ATTEMPT WHERE THEY NEARLY LANDED ON THE MOON.
AT 8:50HM,(HER MERIDIAN) EAST-HER-N STAND-HER-D TIME, W.A.S.A’s ALECTRONA 27 SPACE CAPSULE CAME WITHIN 384,400KM OF THE EARTH’S ONLY KNOWN NATURAL SATELLITE. THIS IS THE CLOSEST THE FEMINIST FUNDED (MONIES COLLECTED ENTIRELY THROUGH DIVORCE PROCEEDINGS) SPACE PROGRAM’S VEHICLE HAS COME TO EVEN ORBITING THE MOON.
THE W.A.S.A PROGRAM, FOUNDED IN NOVEMBER OF 2016 WHEN HILARY CLINTON ALMOST BECAME PRESIDENT (VASTLY DEFEATED BY AN OVERWEIGHT, BAD-HAIRED CAUSTIC BUT BRILLIANT, CLINICALLY INSANE BILLIONAIRE) HAS BEEN FUNDED ALMOST STRICTLY THROUGH ALIMONY PAYMENTS. HILARY CLINTON, ALTHOUGH TECHNICALLY NOT DIVORCED, HAS COLLECTED NEARLY $3.4 BILLION IN PBJD (POST BLOW JOB DAMAGES). NONE OF THESE MONIES HAS GONE TOWARDS THE DEVELOPMENT OF THE SPACE PROGRAM, AS MS. CLINTON IS ACTUALLY RECEIVING AN ADDITIONAL $1.4 BILLION IN PAYMENTS FROM A MAN WHO SHE ONCE TALKED TO. WHEN HE SHOOK HER HAND, HE WAS ACCUSED OF RAPE. ALTHOUGH ALL CHARGES WERE DROPPED, LAWYERS FORMERLY EMPLOYED BY EMMA SULKAWITCZ MANAGED TO NOT ONLY AWARD THE $1.4 BILLION IN DAMAGES TO MS. CLINTON, BUT ALSO PROCURED THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE FOR HER FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF WOMEN’S LIES OOPS I MEAN RIGHTS. OF THE $1.4 MILLION DOLLARS GARNERED FROM THE COVETED PEACE PRIZE, HILARY CLINTON HAS PERSONALLY DONATED SIX DOLLARS TOWARD THE SPACE PROGRAM (FULLY TAX-REFUNDABLE). THE REMAINING $460 BILLION IS BEING COLLECTED FROM POVERTY LEVEL, AND WORKING CLASS DIVORCED MALES. AS A CONSOLATION FOR LOSING THE ELECTION MS. CLINTON HAS RECEIVED AN ADDITIONAL $300 MILLION OF TAXPAYER FUNDED MONIES (EXEMPT ARE ANY CLASS WOMEN WHO ARE RECEIVING IN EXCESS OF 1 DOLLAR PER YEAR). OF THIS $300 MILLION, APPROXIMATELY $0.50 HAS BEEN SPENT IN HER OWN LEGAL DEFENSE, WHILE THE REMAINDER OF THE $175 MILLION BILL IS BEING PAID BY W.A.S.A. NO ONE, INCLUDING P.O.T.U.S. HAS ANY IDEA WHATSOEVER OF WHAT IS GOING ON AT THE NEWLY FORMED AGENCY, OR WHY THE LEGAL FEES ARE REQUIRED AT ALL AND INTERNATIONAL REPORTERS HAVE GIVEN UP ON REPORTING ON THE ISSUE. EXCEPT FOR FEMALE REPORTERS WORKING FOR W.A.S.A. WHO ARE DEMANDING FINANCIAL COMPENSATION FOR THEIR TIME.
IN OTHER NEWS FROM THE SPACE AGENCY, IT HAS ONLY RECENTLY BEEN RELEASED THAT BUZZ ALDRIN WAS ORIGINALLY HIRED TO HEAD UP THE PROGRAM. THE PROGRAM’S INTENT WAS TO DISPLAY THAT WOMEN CAN DO WHAT MEN HAVE ALREADY DONE IN PAST TIMES, EVEN SOMETIMES AS FAR BACK AS THOUSANDS OF YEARS. THIS WAS DEMONSTRATED JUST LAST YEAR AT THE ANNUAL FS&EC (FEMINIST SCIENCE AND ENGINEERING COMPETITION). IYMA HORR, FROM GERMANY, PROUDLY DISPLAYED HER LATEST INVENTION AFTER 11 YEARS OF RESEARCH. UPON PROUDLY DISPLAYING HER STONE, OBLONG, 2 TON DISC, SHE WAS DISHEARTENED TO LEARN THAT THE “WHEEL” HAD IN FACT ALREADY BEEN INVENTED. WHEN DISCOVERING THIS HOTLY CONTESTED FACT, SHE BURST INTO TEARS AND WAS QUICKLY AIDED BY ANOTHER COMPETITOR WHO HANDED HER A DISPOSABLE RAG, HER OWN ENTRY INTO THE COMPETITION. WHEN A MALE BYSTANDER INNOCENTLY OBSERVED “HEY THAT’S F~~~ING KLEENEX”, HE WAS SHOT BY ARMED SECURITY FORCES USING AN ELITE NEW FEMINIST DESIGNED WEAPON. THE CURVED PIECE OF WOOD SHOT FORTH A SHARPER, STRAIGHTER PIECE OF WOOD WHICH PIERCED THE MAN’S HEART. UPON WITNESSING THE SUCCESS OF THIS DEVASTATING NEW WEAPON, THE INVENTOR WAS IMMEDIATELY GRANTED AN ADDITIONAL $2 MILLION GRANT FROM THE UNIVERSITY OF ANITA SARKESIAN TO FURTHER HER RESEARCH.
BUZZ ALDRIN, FORMER ASTRONAUT AND SPACE HERO WAS HIRED AS A CONSULTANT TO INITIALLY HEAD UP THE PROJECT, AS NO COMPETENT WIMMINZ WERE AVAILABLE TO LEAD THE PROJECT, NOR IN FACT DID ANY OF THEM EXIST AT ALL. MR. ALDRIN WAS SOMETHING OF A CURIOSITY AT THE INCEPTION OF THE PROJECT, AS WHENEVER HE WAS INTERVIEWED, HE COULD NOT REALLY ANSWER ANY DIRECT QUESTIONS AND WOULD ONLY GIGGLE A MUFFLED LAUGH. IT WAS LATER REVEALED THAT THE MISSION NAME “ALECTRONA” WAS IN FACT THE NAME OF A GREEK SUN GODDESS. HAVING INTENTIONALLY AIMED THE FIRST 26 WIMMANNED SPACE MISSIONS DIRECTLY AT THE SUN, WHILE CLAIMING THAT “THEY MUST HAVE BURNED UP IN RE-ENTRY”, MR. ALDRIN WAS RELEASED FROM HIS POSITION WITH LITTLE COMMENT FROM W.A.S.A. AUTHORITIES. BUZZ ALDRIN, #2 SPACEMAN, HAS NOT BEEN HEARD FROM SINCE, ALTHOUGH A SHORT YOUTUBE CLIP HAS SURFACED OF HIM, JOHN GLENN AND NEIL ARMSTRONG DRINKING BEER AND LAUGHING. ALTHOUGH MR. GLENN AND MR. ARMSTRONG HAD ALREADY PASSED AT THE TIME OF THE FILMING, IT WAS REVEALED THAT THEY HAD ACTUALLY BUILT A TIME MACHINE IN GLENN’S GARAGE OUT OF A TRASH CAN, DUCT TAPE AND A BOTTLE OF CORN LIQUOR.
IN FURTHER DEVELOPMENTS, IT HAS BEEN REVEALED THAT THESE AMAZING NEW CLAIMS OF WIMMINZ ACTUALLY COMING CLOSE TO LANDING ON THE MOON ARE SOMEWHAT INFLATED. HAVING MISSED THE MOON BY THE STATED 384,400KM, IT HAS BEEN SHOWN THAT THIS IS THE ACTUAL DISTANCE OF THE MOON FROM THE EARTH; ALECTRONA 27 HAS IN FACT, NOT EVEN LEFT THE F~~~ING LAUNCH PAD.
FURTHER DEVELOPMENTS TO COME…..
Anonymous 2 years, 4 months ago.
