Advice Please!?

[BalthazarParticipant 722]

I’ve never been married but have two young children by two mothers. Breakup with the first woman was quite traumatic, she won sole custody but had always been cool about time to be with my son. Overall in the last 3 years I’ve had him about half the time and made the mistake to never have visitation scheduled.

I rushed in to things way to quick with the next woman and then came our daughter. She left me several months ago and moved an unreasonable distance away making it pretty difficult for me. There’s no court order there but due to the previous court decision I wouldn’t be able to win shared custody.

Once this most recent relationship dissolved, one contacted the other and made a bunch of drama for me. Not only am I having a hard time seeing my daughter but now the other woman is passing judgement on me, because of what was said, saying I should have less time with my son. All I ever wanted to do is be a good father and yet I’m being punished for it. Even if you asked either one of these women they would agree that I was a great parent and yet they’re behaving how they are.

I guess my question is how have others coped with all of the confusing, difficult and negative feelings from this stuff? i went through all of it before with my son’s mother but this situation i’m in now is an entirely more complicated scenario that just brings it all back and worse. having my son a large amount of the time for the last few years has been huge for me emotionally. and it was really helping me cope with the failure of this latest relationship that resulted in my daughter being taken away. i want to be there for them the best i can but i’m at such an emotional low point part of me just wants to walk away from it all for good.

This body holding me is a reminder of my own mortality. Embrace this moment. Remember, we are eternal and all this pain is an illusion.

[Soldier-MedicParticipant 2566]

Balthazar wrote:

i’m at such an emotional low point part of me just wants to walk away from it all for good.

I believe that it is situations such as this that men started training themselves to put aside their emotions in favor of getting the job done.

You are in pain. Your hurt is legitimate and does you credit. It is a reflection of your devotion to something outside of yourself and the hope the part of something that is greater than yourself.

You have to step up and be there for both of your kids as best you can. My brother had his own 2 children (boy and girl) poisoned against him by his ex. The more you are in there the better off they will be.

I divorced my ex while my two youngest were less than seven years old. I was angry and wanted to point a finger. It would have been nice if I could grab my ex by her ankles, turn her upside down, and shake her up and down until the wasted years that I spent with her would fall out. I am told that this can’t be done but I always say, unless you tried it, you will never know.

Stay in there for your kids. Get a counselor, preferably male. Start investing in yourself and in your kids. Time, education, investment, mental and spiritual health. The hurt and anger will eventually pass and you may see it as experience that may you grow. All growth is painful. Just ask a young man going through puberty and a growth spurt.

You define the end of this relationship as a failure. Define failure. They say that it takes two to tango, and that a relationship fails because BOTH didn’t put enough in to the relationship. I don’t know who THEY are, but THEY were clearly the ones the cause the destruction of the relationship. Yes, one person can destroy a relationship. When both persons in a relationship are adults then one or both can be blamed. If your relationship with your son fails then it would have been your fault. He is a child.

I have a total of three sons. The oldest is in college. I came home from a deployment to Iraq, obtained joint custody for our two youngest boys, dealt with PTSD, retired from the Army, bought a new house, got a bachelor’s degree, became a financial advisor, started up a business, and am in the process of starting up another business. I didn’t accomplish this all at once. I just kept taking on one thing then another.

You can only eat an elephant with one bite at a time. Don’t look at the whole animal, just pick the tenderest part and dig in.

Yesterday ended at midnight, today is a new day. Failure is only an event. You are a man, alive and whole, with emotional, spiritual, and intellectual depths. You matter if only because your are alive. So go ahead and have a few drinks, and pound your fist on the table, and lament what could have been if only…….. Tomorrow get up, set an appointment with a shrink, plan your week including time with your kid, and take a good look at that elephant. I found that the ears were quite tasty.

"I asked you a question. I didn't ask you to repeat what the voices in you head are telling you" ~ Me. ........Yes I'm still angry.

[BalthazarParticipant 722]

hey thanks for the encouragement sir. honestly the first time this all happened in conflict with the first ex was tremendously more difficult. i wish i would have learned the first time but i am thrilled to have my daughter now anyway. i guess it’s just daunting in a different way because now i have to deal with two different crazy c~~~s and work through to some point of stabilization doubly. it wouldn’t be so bad if one had not caused all the trouble with the other.

i can say after the first round i did manage to do some self investment like the things you’ve mentioned. i got a better job, created a new household after being removed from the old one and was able to engage in all sorts of different interests and endeavors. i also saw a counselor which was effective. what seems tough now immediately is just mitigating what i have to do to normalize everything with the kids and beyond that what i have to do to take the next steps in reaching goals and aspirations for the long term. i know that i have a lot more self discipline than how i’ve been allowing myself to act in reaction to all of this. i just need to commit to turning it around.

This body holding me is a reminder of my own mortality. Embrace this moment. Remember, we are eternal and all this pain is an illusion.

[experiencedParticipant]

Reading your post made me feel nauseous because mentally I went right back into the thick of that struggle.
“This too shall pass” is easily said, but much harder when you are going through “This”.
Your situation is tougher than mine was.
Just as Soldier Medic said put one foot ahead of the other and take it one day to a time,
“give us this day our daily bread” ~= one day to a time.
Churchill said, “If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
MacArthur said, “it was a lesson I never forgot, total preparation is the key to success and victory.”
John Wayne said, “Tomorrow is the best thing in life, it comes to us at midnight, very clean, it hopes we learned something from yesterday.”
You will prevail. You will survive.
Sleep whenever you can.
When you’re awake, have active diversions such as painful workouts / movies / books / radio. When you focus on other things for a break, focus really hard.

If you can, get the best lawyer you can. Document everything. Log all time spent with kids. Judges will look at the small time increment of now when determining the larger.
PLEASE do keep the guys here posted / updated with specifics. There are many who will help you. The more info you provide, the better they can help.

"It seems like there's times a body gets struck down so low, there ain't a power on earth that can ever bring him up again. Seems like something inside dies so he don't even want to get up again. But he does."

[BalthazarParticipant 722]

well i feel a little better. i managed to talk my sons mother back down to reason and things are back to normal as far as our scheduling. she’s just a total over reactionary and the other woman totally succeeded in clouding her judgement. but as far as things go with my daughter, it’s about the same. now i’m dealing with the rubber band or yo yo effect on a grander scale with her mother. in her mind even though she left me “we’re still a family, just separated.” so basically she just hangs extra time with the baby in my face but only if we spend time together. but even though we’re partners, we’re also “just friends.” she wants to have it all, living apart, but choosing to be “a family” when it’s convenient and the ability to push and pull me away at her whim. i’m all for moving on and not having to deal with her nonsense anymore but if i don’t comply with her bulls~~~ then the consideration of my time with the baby is highly secondary. i really don’t want to go to court and even if i did i’m not sure how much extra time i would get. it would be nice to not have it dictated by her though. not sure what to do.

This body holding me is a reminder of my own mortality. Embrace this moment. Remember, we are eternal and all this pain is an illusion.

[BalthazarParticipant 722]

wanted to throw an update out there. my daughters c~~~ of a mother is still acting like an asshole but i’m doing better. right now i’m just biding my time until i can afford a retainer fee and start the whole court process on my terms. i am doing slightly better in the fact that i’m not letting her drag me into her emotional drama bs. it’s pretty hard because she just keeps regurgitating the same nonsense to try to stir things up but i just pick what points are worth discussing and dismiss what i know won’t matter to say. the other day she was raising her voice and getting watery tearful eyes and i was perfectly cool, and this was all over things that should just be reasonable discussion and certainly not heated. she actually invited me to “hang out” together with her and the baby and wonders why i want to have as little contact as possible let alone be in her presence anymore than necessary. i don’t see things panning out for me in a way that i would like without there being a long struggle ahead but i accept it as it will be worth it for my daughters well being and upbringing.

This body holding me is a reminder of my own mortality. Embrace this moment. Remember, we are eternal and all this pain is an illusion.

[experiencedParticipant]

Reading your last two updates, it’s obvious that the force of discernment of truth i.e. the force of mgtow, is growing within you and strengthening you.
Keep studying and reading here.
Do not let up.
Believe me, situations will keep arising as they do for all men, wherein you will be glad to have kept up your proficiency at dealing with laydeez From An Accurate Perspective!

"It seems like there's times a body gets struck down so low, there ain't a power on earth that can ever bring him up again. Seems like something inside dies so he don't even want to get up again. But he does."

[No 6 The Prisoner EscapesParticipant 41]

Hi I guess we all have our own story and I will tell you mine, but first of I would like to say this
There are NO failures in life ONLY experiences; some are good, some are bad, and some are indifferent. What IS important is what we can take from them, and what we learn. Period
It is said “We are the sum of our experiences” I used to be more pessimistic but over the years I’ve become more of the Optimist because I’ve learnt that it is better to go with the flow that drown in the undertow.
In other words, make the best of every situation no matter how bad it seems at the time and see that there are upsides to even the down, you just can’t see it yet. Look for it and it will find you, be open to the universe giving you some payback for a better person than the devils we know called women.
Now for my story, been married twice, no 2 now its death throes and not long to wait before I’m free. But the first one was the killer that was the Bitch of a mother to my children
We had our first son, and then she left (the leaving in the head thing before actually leaving) and then after having left emotionally she decides that a 2nd child would be good so she takes herself off the pill (This is how blind we were trusting these bitches) and whammo another baby, then when the s~~~ hits the fan and we split up 4 weeks after the 2nd child was born. And when she reveals that she left me emotionally 2 years before I said “Why the hell have another child if you knew that he was not going to have a dad?” “Oh I thought things were going to get better” That’s when it hit me, and yet I did not wake up till much later, it hit me, is this women evil or what who does that s~~~. And then after making me a promise she would not take the kids away from me, she does exactly that after I decided that I needed some more me time and had the access changed to every 2nd weekend when they were a bit older like 7 and 5. She gets her revenge by taking them to the north island. One can’t be a proper dad when you don’t see them on a regular basis, I was f~~~ed. Affected the whole relationship with my boys. The youngest is turning 21 in November. But here’s is the kicker the good thing to come out of this…Now I’m going back to the UK, I can contribute the ability to do this without feeling guilty for leaving my grown sons behind because I got used to being abandoned I have no tires here. Nobody is dependent on me, and that is the way it should be, everyone being free to do their own thing, even if it means being miles apart. It does not mean one can disconnect altogether, it just means a different kind of connection. Make the best of the situation and grow, things happen for a reason, one thing sets off a chain reaction that might not catch up with it self until decades later but its there all the same. So just smile and think, the universe has plans for me and I need to catch that ride…

[experiencedParticipant]

#6 – is right, make the best of the situation and grow.

http://livebyquotes.com/2012/an-error-doesnt-become-a-mistake-john-f-kennedy-oc/

"It seems like there's times a body gets struck down so low, there ain't a power on earth that can ever bring him up again. Seems like something inside dies so he don't even want to get up again. But he does."

[KeymasterKeymaster]

I am often gutted by stories like this, and wish I could offer some input from experience. All we hear about are “dead beat dads” but the reality is altogether different.

All I have seen when looking around is men wanting to be with their kids and struggling to make it possible… while women work their asses off to make it as difficult as possible — expecting to collect a f~~~ing check, and treating children like property and commodities.

I worked with & coached kids for several years, was very fond of them (even thought they were not my own), and when I imagine myself in a situation like this, I have no words.

If you keep doing what you've always done... you're gonna keep getting what you always got.

[BalthazarParticipant 722]

Keymaster wrote:

I am often gutted by stories like this, and wish I could offer some input from experience. All we hear about are “dead beat dads” but the reality is altogether different.

if i hear the phrase “man up” one more time i think i’m going to be sick. this c~~~ can’t even afford to provide for the child because of a course of her own irresponsible decisions and yet someone how i managed to support the 4 of us without help. but now this borderline welfare queen is “doing it all on her own” and doesn’t need my help with the baby but does need my money. i just had a pretty volatile interaction that’s got me reeling but i still didn’t give in to the emotional baiting and what not. having a hard time though

This body holding me is a reminder of my own mortality. Embrace this moment. Remember, we are eternal and all this pain is an illusion.

[Anonymous 42]

Threaten her with giving up on her and the kid (both Xs’), Tell them it’s easier to become a penniless bum than it is to pay support for her kids. Tell them it’s becoming a strong temptation to utterly abandon them all to fend for themselves as you work under the table and live more comfortable while the cloths tear and fall off their backs.

They’ll go into SHOCK knowing the paycheck is vanishing just as much as the man writing the checks, and there’s NOTHING the COURTS can DO to STOP IT!

They’ll both have massive coronaries! With a little luck they’ll both drop dead the same time and on the same spot!

[experiencedParticipant]

Anonymous wrote:

Threaten her with giving up on her and the kid (both Xs’), Tell them it’s easier to become a penniless bum than it is to pay support for her kids. Tell them it’s becoming a strong temptation to utterly abandon them all to fend for themselves as you work under the table and live more comfortable while the cloths tear and fall off their backs.
They’ll go into SHOCK knowing the paycheck is vanishing just as much as the man writing the checks, and there’s NOTHING the COURTS can DO to STOP IT!
They’ll both have massive coronaries! With a little luck they’ll both drop dead the same time and on the same spot!

Thinking “outside the box” like this is commendable and crucial.
All options must be taken into consideration.
How many men would still be alive today if this type of thinking were executed?

"It seems like there's times a body gets struck down so low, there ain't a power on earth that can ever bring him up again. Seems like something inside dies so he don't even want to get up again. But he does."

[narwhalParticipant]

Two thoughts on this. One, look into getting a vasectomy. That will do you wonders in many different ways. For one thing, raising two kids by two different mother’s should be all that you can handle. Don’t even give yourself a chance to make things worse. As well, assuming you have more legal action coming your way eventually, I would help give a judge the impression that you are serious about being a father and have no interest in having any more kids.

The second, watch out for your daughter’s mother. She is very dangerous and it seems like she has further intentions with you. Why would she poison your relationship with your first ex? To get more control over you. Why is she choosing to play family every now and then? Because she wants you to believe you’ll lose your daughter if you don’t, and because she wants to keep you as her backup plan. I would not be surprised at all if she attempts to seduce from time to time, even tries to have another child with you (hence the vasectomy).

I think you are going down the right path by trying to take this delicate situation a day at a time. Keep focused on being there for your kids and avoiding the drama your baby mom’s will want to dump on you. If you can figure out a legal end game where you can have good access to your kids while minimizing the drama, then make that you’re goal.

Ok. Then do it.

[BalthazarParticipant 722]

here’s another update: daughters c~~~ mother has gone off the deep end and i will tell you how.

my parents live about 4 hours away from where i’m at. i feel bad for them because daughters c~~~ mother, who i will refer to as moonbeam, makes it extremely difficult for them to see the baby. i also work a driving job and work some weekends which makes it pretty difficult for me to take the kids to visit them. my mother has made it an annual event to bring my son down to their house for a week during the summer, my mother and first ex get along. moonbeam won’t let the baby go.

i went to pick up the baby from moonbeam and mentioned that my parents were staying the night as they were coming to pick up my son for their vacation time together. i asked to have the baby an extra night for my parents to see her longer. denied.

when it was time to bring the baby back to her a couple days later, i called her and tried to persuade her to change her mind. i was not rude, combative or confrontational in anyway and at no point did i say i wouldn’t comply with her wishes. it was already 7 pm and she had to get up to work in the morning anyway, so she was gaining a couple hours with the baby where as it would have meant the whole world to my parents to see her longer.

i currently have 1 month left of a three year sentence to probation due to the fake domestic violence charge my previous ex brought down on me. in response to me trying to be persistent in my persuasion about keeping the baby, moonbeam threatened me this way:

1. petition the court for sole custody/child support
2. bring a police escort to my house to demand possession of the baby
3. call my probation officer, make allegations to get me in violation of probation and thrown in jail for 3 months
4. with hold the baby from me definitely until i took some other recourse

and on top of all of that, she told me if i wanted extra time with the baby, i needed to go see her so the 3 of us could be together.

my current strategy is appeasement as i line things up for myself. my hope is that i will lull her into passiveness by being compliant with her c~~~ demands as i prepare for war. she doesn’t want to go to court because she will lose control and i believe i can catch her totally unprepared.

i met with her under threat, told the baby i loved her and walked away without saying a word or even looking at the c~~~.

other than when she calls me i only communicate through email and text with her. i have started a journal documenting all of our previous communications and exchanges since she left and am working to make it more complete and detailed as time goes on, including not just about her but what i do with the kids etc. i have an appt for legal counsel next week.

this is how sick this c~~~ is, so i pacified her by not saying anything nor making confrontation. the last time i meet with her to pick up the baby again she gives me a lovers embrace like she didn’t want to let go, says sorry and starts crying. i’m receiving acts of coercion and manipulation by her on every front possible.

i’m not sure what the lawyer will say but my dream is that when i tell her i’ve got representation on retainer all ready to do battle, she’ll cave and agree to make an agreement through mediation that will give me some equality/control over this situation.

This body holding me is a reminder of my own mortality. Embrace this moment. Remember, we are eternal and all this pain is an illusion.

[BalthazarParticipant 722]

here’s another update:
had an appointment for legal consultation and it went pretty well, actually extremely well. basically the lawyer said i currently have taken the best possible course of action so far in a number of regards:

the fact that i have worked out some schedule with the ex regarding visitation with the baby (despite it not being enough time for me), means that i am fully capable of working in a cooperative manner.

the fact that i already have my child overnights in agreement with c~~~ face, makes any character defamation or allegations of negative behavior by her basically invalid.

i have basically proven on my own in regards to mitigating c~~~ face that i am capable of having joint custody.

she told me that i might have a hard time getting 50/50 because of the distance that c~~~ face moved away but that because our daughter is only a baby, it is more likely because she’s not in school yet.

her recommendation for future course of action was this:

wait to file until she’s been living where she is for 6 months because the judge in her county will probably rule more favorably for me.

don’t tell her anything. don’t give her anything. try to get as much time as possible with my kid but just pacify and be compliant to c~~~ face until the time comes.

save money. $2500 retainer fee. she says if we settle before trial it might end up $1200 or less but if it goes to trial it might be $3000-5000.
also because i live in s~~~ty NY state even if i get 50/50 this c~~~ can still get support money from me because she makes less.

overall though this attorney made me feel pretty great. she said she’s been doing it a long time and is highly successful and even if she doesn’t win for me the outcome will be more favorable than what i’m dealing with now. it’s a high price to pay but worth every penny for me to regain sovereignty over my life and relationship with my child. and not anything like the money i would have payed if i married this dumb c~~~.

p.s. she said the judge presiding over the case won’t bat an eye at throwing this c~~~ in jail if she violates any order made regarding custody!

This body holding me is a reminder of my own mortality. Embrace this moment. Remember, we are eternal and all this pain is an illusion.

[Author]

Posts