A sibling's birthday dinner – narc mother will be there

[ChristopherParticipant 2478]

A sibling’s 30th birthday is coming up soon and I said to my sibling I would attend the family dinner that will take place in a restaurant (as I do actually want to be there on the day for my sibling). However, as I have posted about previously my mother is a narc and I have essentially cut her out of my life as best I can (but she will be at the birthday gathering). After everything I have been through the past 2 years I finally seem to be now at a good place where I have recovered to a large extent my health and wellbeing and mental calm. It really bothered me in the past but – all that narc stuff doesnt ‘bother’ me anymore/has not been on my mind and I have not seen my mother in a while.

I was’nt going to make a thread about this as I had sort of decided that I was healthy enough to go to the birthday and just ignore my mother/not let her bother me – yet so many times in the past whenever I was around her she used the occasion to attack me in some way and that has angered me in the past. So I am ALSO thinking why should I EVEN RISK in any way that mental calm/happiness/wellbeing (that I have finally achieved) by being in the same environment as my narc mother as there is always the potential for trouble and her words over the years very often carry poison with subtle shaming /control tactics.

On one hand I do not want to let my sibling down by not being there – yet I am also quite ‘wary’ of being there as my mother will be there – who knows it may be okay on the day I just dont know. What do you guys think? maybe I should go and it will be a useful test to see if I am now immune to her nonsense. Thanks very much in advance for any comments.

Feminism was funded by bankers/politicians to create more taxpayers. MGTOW IS FREEDOM https://archive.org/details/mgtowisfreedomblurayready

[Faust For ScienceParticipant 22559]

If you must go, be brief. Go there, personally hand your gift to your sibling while being polite, then politely excuse yourself, and leave.

[JVBParticipant]

Faust For Science wrote:

If you must go, be brief. Go there, personally hand your gift to your sibling while being polite, then politely excuse yourself, and leave.

Good call. I’m sure your sibling will understand

Peace is > piece.

[AwakenedParticipant 35206]

Personally, I tell my sibling that I can’t make it to their party for WHATEVER reason/excuse that you want to say, I wouldn’t mention the mother issue, and since I can’t make it to their party I would arrange to bring my sibling out to dinner or to an event/show/fair or whatever THEY MAY LIKE instead.

You maintain your Mental Health AND have a good time with your sibling.

In a World of Justin Beibers Be a Johnny Cash

[Anonymous 38]

Go, see how well you’ve learned to deal with toxic people. When these people try to provoke you, simply ignore them. Look at them, say nothing, and look away. Watch their moment of realisation they’ve lost power over you.

At the end of the day that is you being simply authentic. Not responding to idiocy, malevolence, provocation.

If she still really gets to you, you know you have more work to do.

Remember the path of growth is not the easiest.

[Anonymous 12]

Faust For Science wrote:

If you must go, be brief. Go there, personally hand your gift to your sibling while being polite, then politely excuse yourself, and leave.

… and then, The weekend after the gathering, (with the Narc out of the picture,) spend time with the sibling, riding the harley into the sunset or cooking up a storm, depending on his or her hobbies.
If there is time and effort you would like to give someone, chose the most effective path, with the least amount of… “background noise”.

[Branched offParticipant 10975]

I think it is good to go. Its important to turn out for the people who matter in our lives.

I have noticed that one’s presence is usually enough for someone who is having a big day. They have a other guests to meet and smile for and make some small talk to. The input of an individual guest is quite small. You do not need to be there for ages or say or do anything remarkable, just turn up, be happy for them and let them know it and its quite enough.

I appreciate that it if it is a small gathering it may be very difficult with your mother. It does have the potential to all go wrong if you are remembered for arguing with her in some way, so it will need quite a bit of resolution and possibly some deft verbal footwork. I guess go with a game plan to arrive late enough to not have to stand and chat much, engineer to not sit with your mother if you possibly can and then leave as people start to get up.

Let absolutely everything that your mother says to manipulate you or shame you or provoke you completely wash over you -that should be the challenge as it is an evening that is about your sibling and you don’t want it to be remembered about you and your mum.

Good luck. Let us know what you do.

A woman is like fire -fun to play with, can warm you through and cook your food, needs constant feeding, can burn you and consume all you own

[Duke TogoParticipant 2664]

I say go and let your mother say whatever the he’ll she wants. Ignore her and then she will be seen by everyone else as the rude idiot and they will tell her to shut up for you.

Women hate being ignored. Women hate having no power over a man with their cheap words. You can do this. Just ignore her presence the entire time.

[MonkParticipant 17047]

You could turn up and ignore her, treating her with the contempt that she deserves. However, the danger with that is she will then create a scene that will spoil it for your sibling.

As a bully, she is unlikely to ignore you. They tend to seek out previous victims to try it on, so it may be difficult to avoid her. You might get away with it if you do as Branched Off suggests.

Alternatively, adopt the course suggested by Awakened. Why should you even be put in that situation? If the others are aware of her behaviour, why don’t they curtail it?

[MaverickParticipant 811]

Anonymous wrote:

Go, see how well you’ve learned to deal with toxic people. When these people try to provoke you, simply ignore them. Look at them, say nothing, and look away. Watch their moment of realisation they’ve lost power over you.

At the end of the day that is you being simply authentic. Not responding to idiocy, malevolence, provocation.

If she still really gets to you, you know you have more work to do.

Remember the path of growth is not the easiest.

Shouldn’t parents be the ones to teach their kids how to deal with toxic people and not be toxic themselves?

[SpiderHerderParticipant 3791]

Maverick wrote:

Shouldn’t parents be the ones to teach their kids how to deal with toxic people and not be toxic themselves?

Sadly, that’s because the parents never grew up.

[Maraudrz1Participant 2250]

As others have previously stated: Come up with a good excuse for not going and ask for a one on one occasion. While there you might explain the difficulties you are having with your mother. Good luck.

Women's brains and vagina have one thing in common. There is nothing in there until a man puts something in there.

[ChristopherParticipant 2478]

Thank you very much for your wise/thoughtful/practical comments gentlemen and for taking the time to do so. I appreciate it.

Part of what I have learned over the years (and it has helped being on mgtow.com hearing about NFG and cutting out toxic people etc) is that your focus determines your reality – so not focusing on this person and not caring what they say or giving a hoot what they think is a good move – No F~~~s Given. Me distracting my attention/energy to their negativity and the situation is not useful and is not who I am – I can be aware of it but the winning strategy for me has been not to focus on it and focus/just get on with my own life. So even raising the issue here has enabled me to realise ‘again’ although I am aware of it that I should not think about it too much. Expecting better behaviour from such a person is like asking a person who does’nt have any money to give you a loan.

If I go its another opportunity to develop/be NFG – so in a way I can be thankful for that. I dont have to need her to change her narc behaviour – it has to be irrevelant to me – that would be full NFG. She will probably say “why do I not call in to see her?” – am I not sure how to respond to that (any suggestions?) – if I say the reasons and what I think of her it would cause a s~~~storm. I guess I could say something like “well im seeing you now” and change the topic. If I decide its wiser to avoid the situation as Awakened and others suggest – I will stand by/trust my judgement – NFG.

This I think is a more positive perception than how I was thinking yesterday – it has helped posting here to work through it/remind myself of this and your comments have definitely helped. Cheers gentlemen. All for now.

Feminism was funded by bankers/politicians to create more taxpayers. MGTOW IS FREEDOM https://archive.org/details/mgtowisfreedomblurayready

[Puffin StuffParticipant 24979]

Screw your mother. Never be at any event in which she participates. Let your family know. If they love you they won’t care if they don’t this will be a good time to find out.

Put yourself first. Go your own way.

#icethemout; Remember Thomas Ball. He died for your children.

[Anonymous 38]

Maverick wrote:

MGTaoist wrote:

Go, see how well you’ve learned to deal with toxic people. When these people try to provoke you, simply ignore them. Look at them, say nothing, and look away. Watch their moment of realisation they’ve lost power over you.
At the end of the day that is you being simply authentic. Not responding to idiocy, malevolence, provocation.
If she still really gets to you, you know you have more work to do.
Remember the path of growth is not the easiest.

Shouldn’t parents be the ones to teach their kids how to deal with toxic people and not be toxic themselves?

Yes but most women are mentally delinquent selfish and malevolent children.

[Anonymous 38]

Christopher wrote:

Part of what I have learned over the years (and it has helped being on mgtow.com hearing about NFG and cutting out toxic people etc) is that your focus determines your reality – so not focusing on this person and not caring what they say or giving a hoot what they think is a good move – No F~~~s Given. Me distracting my attention/energy to their negativity and the situation is not useful and is not who I am – I can be aware of it but the winning strategy for me has been not to focus on it and focus/just get on with my own life. So even raising the issue here has enabled me to realise ‘again’ although I am aware of it that I should not think about it too much. Expecting better behaviour from such a person is like asking a person who does’nt have any money to give you a loan.

No f~~~s given actually has profound implications, I believe. When you give no f~~~s it totally frees your mind to do and be only what and who you want to be. This is the beginning of ‘self-actualisation’, and while I am less motivated to do things that were formerly in my quest for pussy – going to the gym for example, I actually have an INCREASED motivation to live my life and pursue my goals now I have eliminated the need to please a c~~~. There is now nothing standing in the way, and my self-assuredness in this respect only grows.

Christopher wrote:

If I go its another opportunity to develop/be NFG – so in a way I can be thankful for that. I dont have to need her to change her narc behaviour – it has to be irrevelant to me – that would be full NFG. She will probably say “why do I not call in to see her?” – am I not sure how to respond to that (any suggestions?) – if I say the reasons and what I think of her it would cause a s~~~storm. I guess I could say something like “well im seeing you now” and change the topic. If I decide its wiser to avoid the situation as Awakened and others suggest – I will stand by/trust my judgement – NFG.

“I was busy”. That answer won’t cause a s~~~storm like “I couldn’t be arsed to see you”, but nevertheless it lets her know she’s a low priority for you. The start of you turning the tables on her. Be firm and real.

[MaverickParticipant 811]

SpiderHerder wrote:

Maverick wrote:

Shouldn’t parents be the ones to teach their kids how to deal with toxic people and not be toxic themselves?

Sadly, that’s because the parents never grew up.

But they’ll never admit it.

[SpiderHerderParticipant 3791]

Maverick wrote:

SpiderHerder wrote:

Maverick wrote:

Shouldn’t parents be the ones to teach their kids how to deal with toxic people and not be toxic themselves?

Sadly, that’s because the parents never grew up.

But they’ll never admit it.

Nooooooo… they never will.

One thing I’ve learned and came to grips with is that (you can hear this in youtube videos on how to deal with narcissists) narcs will never change.

They’re caught in an infinite loop. They have no self-esteem, so if you tell them they have a problem, they think you’re trying to bring them down even more, so they lash out at others and think others have a problem. The narcissism never gets solved and it’s back to narc behaviour. Over and over.

It’s always better to get out of the loop before it consumes YOU.

[ChristopherParticipant 2478]

Okay so the event was a few days ago – I went – I know all your comments were WELL intentioned and I thank you all for them – I think you were ALL right in your comments as all your comments were useful in some way in dealing with the situation and I have learned something from all your perspectives – but imho in this instance all those that said do not go/ arrange to meet one on one/or if you must go be brief were all correct (more right so to speak)- so Awakened, Puffin, GMOW, Maraudrz, Faust, Monk, JVB, etc you called this one right – thank you. The other approaches mentioned (thank you to you guys also Branched Off, Duke, Taoist) also have/had definite validity and definite usefulness on the day imho but I feel in this “particular situation” the 100% winning strategy was simply not to go and arrange a one on one.

I wanted to be there for my sibling so I went with a strategy as Branch Off suggested (thanks amigo) and that ‘almost worked’. Monk also called it correctly in that when she was ignored she attempted to get in my face with a haughty tone of voice and then later used derogatory tone of voice loudly putting me on the spot about something in front of everyone. She deserved to be told to “f~~~ off / none of your business” but that would have ruined my siblings occasion so I didnt do that. Narcs thrive on conflict so I correctly did not get involved / i did not react angrily. My initial wariness about the event was correct – the wiser choice and garaunteed 100% winning strategy (in dealing with this narc) was not to go – is simply not to be EVER in their presence. She incapable of being any different. I have some anger at myself now that I didnt listen to my own gut instinct on this – I trust this anger at myself will pass.

Like spiderherder said NARCS DO NOT CHANGE it is always best to get out of the loop before it consumes you.
THE ONLY WINNING STRATEGY IS COMPLETE AVOIDANCE – I.E. CUTTING THOSE PEOPLE COMPLETELY OUT OF YOUR LIFE.
This is mentioned time and time again in many youtube videos on the subject of narcs
MGTOW expat did a good video on how he cut his narc mother / toxic family out of his life.

This narc person is simply not capable of behaving civil toward to me she needs to put me down (and others that do not comply with her control tactics down) periodically to retain her own feeling of superiority. A strategy of testing oneself to see how well one deals with narcs or toxic people and ignoring them and their taunts (as kindly suggested above in some of the comments) may work in some instances for some people BUT is imho not the optimum strategy in a social situation where you are compelled not to be involved in a scene because as MONK said ignoring her leaves the possibility of the NARC becoming more aggravated and her creating a scene or being in my face – and in a social situation if I had responded to that provocation it would have spoiled it for my sibling – so why even BOTHER risking OR GOING THROUGH that potential nonsense in the first place? That is what happened in this situation.

Being in the same environment/place as the narc always leaves the possibility for the narc attack. Yes that can leave the NARC looking stupid – but that is not my objective or care – the simpler strategy and 100% wining strategy is complete avoidance – at least in this case. On the day I correctly did not react to her derogatory tone and perhaps she looked a bit stupid – so what – did I win ? who cares – there are no winners with a narc – overall the much happier situation would have been for me to meet my sibling one on one and not even go through that nonsense. My strong father – a very strong willed man after 40 years with this c~~~ he now has a nervous habit and drinks for years to lessen it – she wore him down with her years of nagging, subtle put downs and mind games.

On the plus side my sibling was thankful I was there.

Overall I should not have gone to the event – the most respectful decision for myself to respect my wellbeing is to cut this pain in the arse **** person completely from my life.

In a way its like the MGTOW strategy – ICETHEMOUT.

Feminism was funded by bankers/politicians to create more taxpayers. MGTOW IS FREEDOM https://archive.org/details/mgtowisfreedomblurayready

[ChristopherParticipant 2478]

Im really struggling today – I think it is unreleased anger – my wellbeing was great before that family event – being around that narc again and her abuse just reminded me of a bad past – today I feel drained of my energy/wellbeing – didnt sleep last nite but had been sleeping fine before this. Hope this passes. Wish I had stayed true to my instinct and stayed the f~~~ away from that toxic person. I feel I let myself down by going to that event.

The best way of dealing with toxic people is to simply stay away from them – they do not change.

Feminism was funded by bankers/politicians to create more taxpayers. MGTOW IS FREEDOM https://archive.org/details/mgtowisfreedomblurayready

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