First, a quick thanks to the community for coming before me. I’m grateful to have found you all.
My story is pretty typical. I live in California, work in technology. My dad’s an engineer too – he’s got his s~~~ together these days, but when I was young he was always at work. So I was raised by my mom, to think like a woman. Ultimately my mom slept with our alcoholic neighbour and divorced my dad (even as he tried to recover the relationship). All the while she spewed crap about how bad of a person my dad is for being “unfeeling” (not playing into her bulls~~~, maintaining a stoic attitude, etc. is apparently a terrible sin).
So by the time I was in my teens, I had some deeply feminist views about how a dude ought be. I was the white knight and proud of it. But simultaneously, I knew it was all wrong deep down, and I resented the hell out of every child support check my mom forced out of my dad.
Not surprising then that I got oneitis on numerous occasions, and drank myself into oblivion to cover my shattered man-dreams. On a few occasions I thought I could see the light – maybe the way society had raised me to approach gender differences was unbalanced. I enthusiastically went to my friends, “Hey guys, what do you think about this – maybe we’ve got it all wrong and need to revisit our attitudes towards women..”. But those brief flashes of light were drowned in the darkness of my friends’ automatic bluepill response – they beat me down emotionally and convinced me that I was a bad person for even thinking that way.
What led me back to following my heart, and ultimately to finding MGTOW, is Buddhism. I’m not here to preach Buddhism, but because it’s so important to me, I’ll have to introduce only the most basics so I can explain why I am the person I am today, and where my present conflicts and struggles lie.
Essentially I was disillusioned with women, society, etc. , and drugs and booze never made things better. I turned to meditation and compassion in hopes of giving up my ego-attachment and becoming liberated from the mess of inner conflict. The hope was that if I look deeply inside myself, I’d find that everything I need is already present.
Fast-forward many years, I’ve been sober 3+, and got my health back together. I’m in what I think is a pretty good relationship. (At least she respects me, and doesn’t interfere with pursuing my self-betterment.) Got a good job, a home, and life is cool.
Except that in my understanding of Buddhism, which has been the root of my sanity, it is of the utmost importance that people be fearlessly truthful with themselves. And so in my exploration of my own honest feelings, the reality of my deepest desires, I’ve found that the man I once was is still alive. Deep down under all the feminist conditioning is a free spirit that is crying out to pursue its potential. I can hear it when my mind is quiet, when I disengage from the daily distractions.
The Red Pill is real – we’re mired in deep illusion. I’m super grateful to see MGTOW does not have the heavy emphasis on using behaviourism to pick up women, which some other communities emphasize. It’s going to be a giant challenge for me now to reintegrate my understanding of the ethical principles which have guided me for so long (but are tainted by feminism) with my pursuit of clear understanding and wisdom.
Especially important to me is to understand how this all fits together, so I could do my best not to perpetuate to the next generation those same misconceptions which have plagued me and caused so much confusion in my life. I see a lot of people are taking a pretty hard-line stance on much of the anti-feminism stuff. My personal opinion at the moment is that I’d best be as open minded as possible, because it’s clear that things are not as they’d initially appeared.
Thanks again to you all for being here, and having the courage to be honest with yourselves. I hope we’ll all have an enlightening journey together.
-cutroot
BD 4 years, 5 months ago.
