I sit here at this computer at 3:30am on a Wednesday morning looking at MGTOW.com like the warm campfire calling me in from the cold dark night.  I just got home from the 24 hour gym.

I don’t even know where to start without just sounding like I am rambling aimlessly.  As I alluded to in another post, things still sneak up on me occasionally.  Those damn demons that I thought had been exorcised come back to haunt me from time to time.  You see, I had someone that I thought was really different.  I loved that damn woman like I had never loved another…and I’ve had lots of women in my past.  Anyway, I had a pretty decent job out west with a pretty normal schedule.  My office was outside in the Rocky Mountains.  I’m from Dallas but I can make my home pretty much anywhere.  I don’t particularly have anything tying me down to Dallas but here I am again.  You see, I gave up my job and moved back to Dallas just to make her happy and try to salvage our marriage.  She promised me she would work on our marriage with me if  I would just move her back home to Dallas so she could be close to her family.  We have a beautiful little boy so I had a lot riding on the line.  So, I moved us all back to Dallas.  She lied.  She left as soon as we got back here.  She split my family up.  She split my family up because she is a self-serving, selfish, narcissistic, irresponsible, immature little girl in a woman’s body.  This is certainly not my first rodeo with worthless women.  However, I had fallen so hard for her in the beginning because she really did come off as “different” from all other women with which I had been previously involved.  It was only after having a child that she revealed what a monster she truly was.  You see, I was a bad husband because I came straight home from work every night to my family.  I was a bad husband because I put food on the table and a roof over our head.  I was a bad husband because I was a good father to our child.  I was a bad husband for bailing her out of her own stupidity time and time again.  It’s been 2 years since we split.  It has taken me that long to figure out that I got the living s~~~ kicked out of me for just doing what was right and being an honorable man.  That leaves some very deep scars on a man.  Trust is a thing of the past.  Love for half of humanity is replaced by indifference and even outrage at times.  She did something that no other trial, tribulation, or other person has been able to do to me in my lifetime;  she took a piece of my humanity from me.  How do you deal with that?  This is a new one on me and I’m still trying to figure out how to process that.

Now I work hellacious hours.  I live on the opposite end of the clock from 99.9% of society.  When I’m not working, I’m busy doing my best to be the best daddy a little boy could have.  There is little left for me.  I feel like I give myself away 24×7.  I can’t enjoy a normal social life because of all the responsibility.  I once again live in the sprawling suburban hell hole I so desperately wanted to escape years ago. I have literally been running a non-stop marathon for the past 2 years.  Sure, hindsight is 20/20.  I coulda, shoulda, woulda….but I didn’t.  Shame on me for trusting another human being.  She just reinforces my belief that one must be very discerning in who one chooses to trust.  I feel as if almost anyone can turn on me on a dime.  That feeling p~~~es me off.  She did that to me and I unwittingly let her get away with it because I wanted to believe in her and trust her.  You see, I can’t make my mind up sometimes who I am more angry with, her or me?  Just when I think I have made peace with myself, I turn around and kick the living s~~~ out of myself again.  That’s a rotten place to be my friends.

This is what was on my mind tonight as I am slinging iron in the gym tonight at 1am.  Although I know this town well, I caught myself just driving aimlessly in the wrong direction when I left the gym.  I guess I could blame it on post-workout endorphins.  Maybe my personal demons were behind the wheel.  My mind was blank…it was a flood of thoughts…it was a singularity of thought….all at once.  I had that 1,000 yard stare as I’m driving to God knows where.  Well, I realized I was going in the opposite direction from home and turned around.  Here I am at MGTOW.com.

If we have faith in something bigger than ourselves, we always find our way home.  YMMV…

Have a good night.

Soul Man

My son is old enough now that he asks questions about the state of our situation.  I do my best to answer him honestly but in a way that a small child can process.  Frankly it p~~~es me off that I am in a position where I have to address these questions. It’s not his fault. He wants to understand.  The thing is I don’t even fully understand yet. I mean I do but I don’t if you know what I mean.  So those questions and that angelic innocent face asking them really set me spinning at times.  They stir up the demons for me. I wish I could just fix everything for him but I can’t…not at least right now.  Perhaps one day soon…

I was so angry at everything for such a long time, and I was even making sure she had the opportunity to see them a couple times a week but after I finally got fed up with the gutter trash that she hung out with being around my children I told her to screw off and I have not let her see them since. I realize that the only reason I am in as good a situation I am in is because she was such a f~~~ing screw up that she did not bother to show up for the divorce hearing so the judge just signed the paperwork as is.

Honestly the only thing that has really gotten me past the anger was finding this place. I am sure you already know this but I cannot express enough how much this place means to me, and I greatly appreciate the time and energy that people like KeyMaster put into it as well as the people who take the time to post here and expose the s~~~ that is happening in their life. Knowing I am not alone in this has been a comfort and I hope you feel this is a safe place as well.

My jobs are highly stressful. Those days when sugar turns to s~~~ in 250 milliseconds and I barely scrape by with my ass in one piece are the worst. I’m calm and cool and collected of course…until I get home. That’s when the shakes start. Nausea shortly follows as I analyze things and second guess myself over and over. Then it gets worse because I can’t limit my mental self-torment to the day’s events or even to professional issues. No, I or my subconscious has to bring up everything going back to my s~~~ty childhood and family and of course my myriad relationships, or perhaps I should say “failed relationships.”

I think about those “girls” that I loved so hard it hurt. I’ve been shot in the head and I’ve been shot in my stomach and I’ve had my face broken…none of it even comes remotely close to the pain caused by love. And I have to relive it time and time again. And I think about those that I planned my whole future around…I put everything I had into it…literally. Then when they said goodbye my future left with them and I didn’t think it was possible to feel so lost.

I wish I could give you some advice on how to handle it. The usual “look on the bright side” or “it could be worse” or “man look at poor John Doe…I’m glad I’m not him!” is all a bunch of crap. There are no words of comfort. I can’t speak to drugs but drinking seems to make things worse. What a brilliant idea…I’m depressed as Hell so why don’t I drink a bottle of depressant?

What helps me the most is the realization that I’ll never have to go through it again. Reading and contributing to these forums reinforces that knowledge and it actually provides a tangible, measurable degree of comfort. I hope MGTOW is as beneficial to you as its been to me. Good luck Soul Man.

“Associate yourself with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation, for tis better to be alone than in bad company.”

-George Washington

I can’t speak for anyone else but I tend to think that we all experience what you are going through. It’s a form of PTSD I guess. My biggest “demon,” that is the one I do battle with most, goes back to 1976. Seems like yesterday. My jobs are highly stressful. Those days when sugar turns to s~~~ in 250 milliseconds and I barely scrape by with my ass in one piece are the worst. I’m calm and cool and collected of course…until I get home. That’s when the shakes start. Nausea shortly follows as I analyze things and second guess myself over and over. Then it gets worse because I can’t limit my mental self-torment to the day’s events or even to professional issues. No, I or my subconscious has to bring up everything going back to my s~~~ty childhood and family and of course my myriad relationships, or perhaps I should say “failed relationships.” I think about those “girls” that I loved so hard it hurt. I’ve been shot in the head and I’ve been shot in my stomach and I’ve had my face broken…none of it even comes remotely close to the pain caused by love. And I have to relive it time and time again. And I think about those that I planned my whole future around…I put everything I had into it…literally. Then when they said goodbye my future left with them and I didn’t think it was possible to feel so lost. I wish I could give you some advice on how to handle it. The usual “look on the bright side” or “it could be worse” or “man look at poor John Doe…I’m glad I’m not him!” is all a bunch of crap. There are no words of comfort. I can’t speak to drugs but drinking seems to make things worse. What a brilliant idea…I’m depressed as Hell so why don’t I drink a bottle of depressant? What helps me the most is the realization that I’ll never have to go through it again. Reading and contributing to these forums reinforces that knowledge and it actually provides a tangible, measurable degree of comfort. I hope MGTOW is as beneficial to you as its been to me. Good luck Soul Man.

I can relate to that, I put everything I had mentally into the various girls. In the end I just couldn’t do it anymore, I had to stop for my own well being. It’s been years since I had any dealings with women (romantically) and I still can’t muster it.

@Soul Man While not the most kind words, not meaning to offend such a legend of the movement and such an inspiration to young men everywhere including myself, I feel that you of all people could understand why I put this. Even though I know no words that I can say can help soothe, or any experiences I have had (few however), I know that you will rise above these demons. You have had to face many obstacles, from a “shapeshifter” to economic and social distress, but you have risen above them. And all I can truly say that I hope helps you is that you are in a safe haven right now. This is the unspoken brotherhood of men today, and so remember we protect our own. Wish you the best, stay strong, and I hope that you will be able to rise above such troubles.

Sincerely-AlmostNiceGuy

Steve Jobs

This quote hit me like a ton of bricks when I was going through the same things many on this forum has described. Once I started living for myself my life had gotten 1000% better , I no longer try to figure it out , I just live.