I got this one female who, for some reason, loves hearing me tell her how dumb she is and what she should be doing with her life. So long as she’s bringing the beer, I’m happy to continue doing so. That’s the rule. You’re a female and you want my opinion or advice, you’ve got to pay for the booze.

This is now an “Advice You Gave to a Female that She Ignored” thread. I’ll start:

This chick comes over with a lobster and a six pack of Longboards and tells me that some lady friend of her mom’s who lives in Honolulu said she could come stay there rent free and she’s thinking about bailing on Las Vegas and moving to Hawaii and what do I think about it? I asked the following questions in order:

1) How well do you know this lady? (not very well)
2) What does she want from you in exchange for free rent? (didn’t even think of that)
3) Is she offering to pay your airfare to Hawaii and back? (she said she could get me a ticket)
4) Is she paying for your food, clothing and entertainment while you’re there, too? (probably not)
5) How long will she let you stay at her place while you remain unemployed? (don’t know, maybe a month or two?)
6) Are there any jobs available in your field there? (don’t know, haven’t looked)
7) Can you afford to pay rent in Honolulu for the pay you’d be able to earn? (oh god, probably not!)
8) How much would it cost to shut down your life here and pack and ship your s~~~ and your car to Hawaii? (uh… couple of grand at least)
9) Do you have any idea what it’s like to live on an island full of stupid tourists and angry locals? (eww…)
10) Have you done any practical research or thinking about this at all? (um, not really)

(Me) “Do this. Call this lady up and make the following counter offer. Tell her you’ll accept her free round trip airfare and come out for two weeks to get to know her, scope out the situation and hunt for a job… and if everything looks good and you get a job, you’ll buy your own ticket and pay your own expenses to move out there in three months then stay with her for three more until you get situated. It’s 6pm in Hawaii… call her right now, I’ll wait.”

(Her) “Um… I don’t know…”

(Me) “If this random woman wasn’t waving this vague offer around, would you be willing to buy a ticket and a hotel room right now and take two weeks off work to go find out for yourself on your own dime if you really could or even would want to live in Hawaii?”

(Her) “No, no I wouldn’t.”

(Me) “I just saved you tens of thousands of dollars and a year worth of hell on what would have been an exceptionally bad decision. Go open me another beer, thanks… I think the lobster is done.”

Of course, she wasn’t going to Hawaii anyway because she never does anything… just likes to talk about it. Burst that bubble for her real quick, which is still a pretty good value for her even if she couldn’t realize it… and hey, beer steamed lobster!