I believe every man has interesting, amusing, and sometimes outright insane stories in life. I kind of enjoy being out in left field most of the time. Being crazy sometimes helps me to keep my sanity in check. So on that note, I’d like to share a few incidents I’ve had during my life so far that I find amusing, just for s~~~s and giggles. Feel free to add your own.

1988- My first divorce became final. Still holding onto fresh anger and an almost bankruptcy, I decide that I’m now going to be a man-whore and go out boozing with the rest of the troops. One fine Friday after a night of partying like a rock star, a couple friends and I pop by a local pizza shop. Grab a seat, order a few drinks and a pizza to stay. We start chatting about an upcoming field ex , when a couple of p~~~ed up left overs that no one was interested in picking up at the bar stagger in. They sit at the next table and start bitching about how army guys suck, and all that anti military s~~~. We all just ignored them, until the pizza showed up. One of the “ladies” decides to ask if she could have a piece. Mr Suave and Deboner here, tells her “sure, if you blow me”. Needless to say it was pretty quiet in the joint for a bit. About 10 minutes later, I look at my friends and say “guys…save a piece for my friend” From across the joint another voice chimes in “and my friend too” The whole place breaks out laughing.

2002 – divorce #2 is final. Some of us don’t learn too good… I’m on a date with a nice blonde hottie. We are at a swank dinner club, the place was packed with suits and gowns. Damn did I feel out of place, we have a great dinner, some awesome wine, decent conversation and a f~~~ ton of innuendo. The night is coming along nicely, dinner is done. The bill shows up, its $250.00. So Mr smooth talker here, blurts out “well, seeing as your paying for this, i guess I’ll just have to put out”. The sounds of peoples necks snapping was hilarious. I looked around as my date pulled out her credit card to pay, and loudly pronounced “Hey at least she’s going to get what she paid for”. I was asked not to come back again by the hostess.

Several years ago, I visited my dentist for two fillings to replace. One was on the top and one on the bottom row of teeth. He told me when you do several at one appointment; if certain areas are involved deadening both tops and bottom at one time can make it difficult to talk. We decided to do both anyway since I needed to drive several hundred miles on a trip that evening. I just wanted to get it over with and have both done. It almost paralyzed my tongue for a brief period and speaking was really rough. I was going to visit my parents who lived nearby for a few hours after the fillings to let the deadening wear off … then drive on after 6:00 PM to my destination later that evening.

After the fillings were done, I was about to leave the office and his young receptionist seemed to forget that I couldn’t speak hardly at all. She started conversing with some small talk asking me some questions. As I was paying my bill she asked “do you have a long drive today?.” I nodded yes because I couldn’t talk. She then asked “so you’re heading out for the big city?” … I tried to say … “after Six” … but what came out sounded exactly like “after Sex” because I couldn’t pronounce my words at all. I couldn’t even speak well enough to correct what happened. There was nothing I could do.

She actually paused and gave me a funny look as if she were angry. Working there, she should have known better than to try and ask me a question. She went from talkative and smiling to cold and didn’t say another word to me. I’m certain she thought I said “after Sex.” I never tried to explain. She was no longer there the next time I had an appointment. It was embarrassing for me as well since I couldn’t tell her what I really meant and trying would have made things worse. I just paid my bill and left.